Flash Fiction
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "The Enemy"Collection of Flash, Micro, etc.
16 total reviews
Comment from jl & bandit
Very cute !!
I love it when I can see every thing in my mind, and this story did that for me from the start.
I hope you do well in the contest !
JL&B
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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Very cute !!
I love it when I can see every thing in my mind, and this story did that for me from the start.
I hope you do well in the contest !
JL&B
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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JLB
Thanks for enjoying the story..Smiles, Carol
Comment from sidone
My waman would like this,its got a lot of explaining and details,are you a cat lover,I will let my other half read it thanks for your thoughts and wit
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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My waman would like this,its got a lot of explaining and details,are you a cat lover,I will let my other half read it thanks for your thoughts and wit
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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Thanks for enjoying the story..Smiles, Carol
Comment from redrider6612
Refusing to apologize, he was sent to bed.--awkward "-ing" construction; try: He refused to apologize, so he was sent to bed.
back-pack--one word, no hyphen
bed post--"bedpost"
Tiptoeing, the soldiers moved toward the end of the hall, listening--He tiptoed to the end of the hall and stopped to listen.--"The soldiers" is unclear and creates a distance between reader and character
Take cover!--delete
"Us, afraid? Never!"--this seems awkward from a little boy; perhaps try: "Yeah. What was that noise?"--that way it fits with what the Mom says
solidarity confirmed--telling
Tonight, they planned to escape.--Tonight they would escape.
With Hercules, Timmy slipped from bed.--Timmy slipped from the bed with Hercules.
This paragraph is awkward and it is unclear what is happening--A silhouette appeared. It's boot snapped the trap. The sleeping feline's howl ripped through the dark. Snarling ensued, followed by heavy thumping.
Timmy surveyed the battlefield.--unnecessary
The last line is unrealistic.
Overall, a cute little story that needs some trimming and rewording. If you want me to take another look, send me a PM. Best wishes in the contest.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Refusing to apologize, he was sent to bed.--awkward "-ing" construction; try: He refused to apologize, so he was sent to bed.
back-pack--one word, no hyphen
bed post--"bedpost"
Tiptoeing, the soldiers moved toward the end of the hall, listening--He tiptoed to the end of the hall and stopped to listen.--"The soldiers" is unclear and creates a distance between reader and character
Take cover!--delete
"Us, afraid? Never!"--this seems awkward from a little boy; perhaps try: "Yeah. What was that noise?"--that way it fits with what the Mom says
solidarity confirmed--telling
Tonight, they planned to escape.--Tonight they would escape.
With Hercules, Timmy slipped from bed.--Timmy slipped from the bed with Hercules.
This paragraph is awkward and it is unclear what is happening--A silhouette appeared. It's boot snapped the trap. The sleeping feline's howl ripped through the dark. Snarling ensued, followed by heavy thumping.
Timmy surveyed the battlefield.--unnecessary
The last line is unrealistic.
Overall, a cute little story that needs some trimming and rewording. If you want me to take another look, send me a PM. Best wishes in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Redrider,
Thanks for your helpful suggestions. Guess I was in too much of a hurry today. I made changes and appreciate you showing me others. Thanks again.....
Comment from InterestingRon
I've read a couple of the entries for this contest and yours is a very strong contender indeed. A good buildup and quite scary until the happy ending. Good luck in the contest. Ron
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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I've read a couple of the entries for this contest and yours is a very strong contender indeed. A good buildup and quite scary until the happy ending. Good luck in the contest. Ron
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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Thanks for enjoying the story..Smiles, Carol
Comment from adewpearl
It's boot snapped - drop the apostrophe
You've incorporated the theme of the cat well, but I'm not at all sure this works as horror/thriller. Maybe it's because of the cute illustration, but I never worried that the boys were in any actual danger. This is a cute, well-told story, but for contest purposes, I'm not sure it really fills the bill. Brooke
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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It's boot snapped - drop the apostrophe
You've incorporated the theme of the cat well, but I'm not at all sure this works as horror/thriller. Maybe it's because of the cute illustration, but I never worried that the boys were in any actual danger. This is a cute, well-told story, but for contest purposes, I'm not sure it really fills the bill. Brooke
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Brooke,
You were so right after I took another look at the story..I was in a bit of a hurry..My bad!! I changed the picture and the too cute ending too. After all, it is a thriller.but I have a hard time losing a happy ending. Smiles to you...
Comment from Torrence Winter
Very cute piece of work. Really deserves to win the contest in which it was entered. There was no spag that I could find. Best of luck on the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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Very cute piece of work. Really deserves to win the contest in which it was entered. There was no spag that I could find. Best of luck on the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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Thanks for enjoying the story..Smiles, Carol
