Lion Country
An unfortunate loss14 total reviews
Comment from bard owl
Ooh. So many times the lion is the victim of man. This story is the reverse and I am always rooting for the wild animal. Man is the one with the larger brain and crueler heart. The lion in your story must have had misanthropic tendencies or just really enjoyed salty food!
You accomplished a lot with few words and created a story with very real imagery. Excellent horror ... or was it merely revenge? Blessings, Linda
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2011
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Ooh. So many times the lion is the victim of man. This story is the reverse and I am always rooting for the wild animal. Man is the one with the larger brain and crueler heart. The lion in your story must have had misanthropic tendencies or just really enjoyed salty food!
You accomplished a lot with few words and created a story with very real imagery. Excellent horror ... or was it merely revenge? Blessings, Linda
Comment Written 31-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2011
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Hi, Linda. Thank you or reading this story. Yes, the lion probably craved salt in the heat of the day. I think it was a combination of horror and revenge for the people and the lion. The food chain was clearly defined that day. - John
Comment from Glynnis W
Although you have established an interesting scenario, the explanatory nature of the writing is unable to develop the tension the story needed to be effective. You told the story, rather than showed it. Instead of having the narrator stand back and observe, throw his butt out there in the action. Good luck with this.
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Although you have established an interesting scenario, the explanatory nature of the writing is unable to develop the tension the story needed to be effective. You told the story, rather than showed it. Instead of having the narrator stand back and observe, throw his butt out there in the action. Good luck with this.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2010
Comment from Cairn Destop
This reminds me of the old joke about the two hunters. One said, "I don't have to outrun the lion, only you." Had a good laugh when the narrator mentioned the mechanical problem. Did not notice any SPAG while reading.
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This reminds me of the old joke about the two hunters. One said, "I don't have to outrun the lion, only you." Had a good laugh when the narrator mentioned the mechanical problem. Did not notice any SPAG while reading.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2010
Comment from Diascribe
I like the idea of the story, but there seems to be missing motivation for the guy to jump off. Perhaps the cat running first or him being foolish enough to get too close assuming it's full.
Just a thought, though. Overall, nice story.
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I like the idea of the story, but there seems to be missing motivation for the guy to jump off. Perhaps the cat running first or him being foolish enough to get too close assuming it's full.
Just a thought, though. Overall, nice story.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2010
Comment from LumchuckHickle
This is well written, and the prose is tight, as flash fiction prose should be, though I think there are still plenty of wasted words throughout. The last sentence, just as one example, might read as well and perhaps would offer even more interest with simply: "I wondered what I would tell the man's wife." You've done a great job, though. Somehow, I think it could have been a bit stronger, perhaps through addition of a touch more physical detail, and I think...had you put your full mind to it...you could easily have found a dozen words or more to cut that would have allowed you to enliven the action a bit more. I enjoyed reading your piece and thinking about its construction. It's a fine effort. Good luck in the contest.
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This is well written, and the prose is tight, as flash fiction prose should be, though I think there are still plenty of wasted words throughout. The last sentence, just as one example, might read as well and perhaps would offer even more interest with simply: "I wondered what I would tell the man's wife." You've done a great job, though. Somehow, I think it could have been a bit stronger, perhaps through addition of a touch more physical detail, and I think...had you put your full mind to it...you could easily have found a dozen words or more to cut that would have allowed you to enliven the action a bit more. I enjoyed reading your piece and thinking about its construction. It's a fine effort. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2010
Comment from RebelRose
Ouch. That had to hurt. Poor fellow should have known not to run. Oh well, it made for an interesting story anyway. How, indeed, is he to explain it to the guy's wife? This is definitely a horror story.
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Ouch. That had to hurt. Poor fellow should have known not to run. Oh well, it made for an interesting story anyway. How, indeed, is he to explain it to the guy's wife? This is definitely a horror story.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
Comment from venusanblue
A good read, but I could not find a story, it seemed like a documentary. I think it's, soft flesh of his neck, not the neck. A fair story.
V,xx
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A good read, but I could not find a story, it seemed like a documentary. I think it's, soft flesh of his neck, not the neck. A fair story.
V,xx
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
Comment from Spiritual Echo
I'd say this was a pretty decent entry in the conest. You need to add (the) before the word crew near the bottom.
Leads one to wonder what demon jimmied the ignition. Must have been one of the lion's patron saints providing sustenance for its flock.
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I'd say this was a pretty decent entry in the conest. You need to add (the) before the word crew near the bottom.
Leads one to wonder what demon jimmied the ignition. Must have been one of the lion's patron saints providing sustenance for its flock.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
Comment from Begin Again
Writer,
Wow..a bit too realistic, huh? But the wild beast lives as he does and man often treads on his domain at their own risk..Well done..Goodluck in the contest.
Carol
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Writer,
Wow..a bit too realistic, huh? But the wild beast lives as he does and man often treads on his domain at their own risk..Well done..Goodluck in the contest.
Carol
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
Comment from jinxiegal
This is a really great flash fiction story! You used the theme(s) really well and portrayed an eerie scene in just a few short paragraphs. Well done! My only comment is that the "strong violence" notification probably isn't necessary.
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This is a really great flash fiction story! You used the theme(s) really well and portrayed an eerie scene in just a few short paragraphs. Well done! My only comment is that the "strong violence" notification probably isn't necessary.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
