Redemption
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Day 2"One Man's Return From Hell
48 total reviews
Comment from Spiritual Echo
You have a mervelous narrative style. The notes regarding previous chapters were exactly enough to bring me into the current situation and this chapter.
I actually marvel at how book authors can submit chapters and with just a few minor changes they would thrive in a stand alone category for short story. This is much the same. What I sometimes thnk and have found true in reading is that there are many chapters in books that seem to be little more than clarification. Not so on this site. Each work has excellence.
You taught me something about using italics for the thought process, rather than....he thought etc.
Nice work.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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You have a mervelous narrative style. The notes regarding previous chapters were exactly enough to bring me into the current situation and this chapter.
I actually marvel at how book authors can submit chapters and with just a few minor changes they would thrive in a stand alone category for short story. This is much the same. What I sometimes thnk and have found true in reading is that there are many chapters in books that seem to be little more than clarification. Not so on this site. Each work has excellence.
You taught me something about using italics for the thought process, rather than....he thought etc.
Nice work.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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What a kind review! If you ever have the time, chapter one is an intro and chapter 2 is actually one long backstory of the primary character Dax. Regards, Bill
Comment from Missey
Excellent writing and interesting plot. I love it! Keep up the good work. I really like the twisted little town theme - things always seem to get messy in little towns when money is involved. Very believable. I like it. :-)
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Excellent writing and interesting plot. I love it! Keep up the good work. I really like the twisted little town theme - things always seem to get messy in little towns when money is involved. Very believable. I like it. :-)
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Thanks Missey - I very much appreciate you reading and for your very generous feedback. Regards, Bill
Comment from JW
First and foremost - what's with the small print? It makes it hard for old, tired eyes to read.
This was an interesting chapter and it read smoothly. One cannot help wonder what is going to happen next, Will the truth about Sheriff Baily become public knowledge? Will he success kill himself before anyone else finds out about his tainted past?
Recommendation - In the paragraph that starts:
Alva turned his service pistol in his hand one more time. He always marveled at the balance of this pistol.
The word pistol is used twice - very close to each other. You may want to choose a pronoun instead.
Overall, you did a great job with this chapter.
Jonathon
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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First and foremost - what's with the small print? It makes it hard for old, tired eyes to read.
This was an interesting chapter and it read smoothly. One cannot help wonder what is going to happen next, Will the truth about Sheriff Baily become public knowledge? Will he success kill himself before anyone else finds out about his tainted past?
Recommendation - In the paragraph that starts:
Alva turned his service pistol in his hand one more time. He always marveled at the balance of this pistol.
The word pistol is used twice - very close to each other. You may want to choose a pronoun instead.
Overall, you did a great job with this chapter.
Jonathon
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Thanks Jonathon for reading and the input. I'll have to take a look at font size, but thought I had at 16.
Comment from Helen Tan
Just dropped in for a quick read. I've left a few points for you to consider, hope they are of some help.
I'm always of the opinion that rotation of power is good - 20 years as Sheriff, I'm sure there's plenty he's hiding under his floorboards.
As he sat there, he wondered, what the hell is happening to me?
Bailey sat there thinking, even that new guy,
If you have the actual thoughts or internal dialogue in italic, the writing would look cleaner without "he wondered" , "sat there thinking" - it's obvious from the words in the italic font. He might want to consider this point.
I guess two old farts are just used to the tried and true.
SO, so true and this is coming from one half of two old farts in Singapore! =D
Boudreaux passed a couple of pictures to Bailey. In them, it was very clear that a woman was photographed doing lines of cocaine off a table.
You have already stated "pictures" so I feel "was photographed". Something to consider -
Boudreaux passed a couple of photographs to Bailey. They showed a woman clearly doing lines of cocaine off a table.
Alva knew that the pictures were of the sister of the victim.
When I read this aloud, it sounds jerky, maybe because of the 3 mentions of "the" plus "that" which is not required . Consider - Alva knew the pictures were of the victim's sister. OR
Alva knew the woman was the victim's sister.
I don't know the story there yet, but bottom line is that everyone seems okay.
I don't know the complete story yet, but...
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Just dropped in for a quick read. I've left a few points for you to consider, hope they are of some help.
I'm always of the opinion that rotation of power is good - 20 years as Sheriff, I'm sure there's plenty he's hiding under his floorboards.
As he sat there, he wondered, what the hell is happening to me?
Bailey sat there thinking, even that new guy,
If you have the actual thoughts or internal dialogue in italic, the writing would look cleaner without "he wondered" , "sat there thinking" - it's obvious from the words in the italic font. He might want to consider this point.
I guess two old farts are just used to the tried and true.
SO, so true and this is coming from one half of two old farts in Singapore! =D
Boudreaux passed a couple of pictures to Bailey. In them, it was very clear that a woman was photographed doing lines of cocaine off a table.
You have already stated "pictures" so I feel "was photographed". Something to consider -
Boudreaux passed a couple of photographs to Bailey. They showed a woman clearly doing lines of cocaine off a table.
Alva knew that the pictures were of the sister of the victim.
When I read this aloud, it sounds jerky, maybe because of the 3 mentions of "the" plus "that" which is not required . Consider - Alva knew the pictures were of the victim's sister. OR
Alva knew the woman was the victim's sister.
I don't know the story there yet, but bottom line is that everyone seems okay.
I don't know the complete story yet, but...
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Thanks Helen - good feedback. I always appreciate your help!
Comment from mountainwriter49
This is a very interesting read and it kept my interest
from start to finish. I can tell I need to go back to the
first chapter and read forward. Your mention of
Southern Sheriffs made me laugh because, in so many
cases, you've the right persona for sure. lol.
well done.
Ray
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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This is a very interesting read and it kept my interest
from start to finish. I can tell I need to go back to the
first chapter and read forward. Your mention of
Southern Sheriffs made me laugh because, in so many
cases, you've the right persona for sure. lol.
well done.
Ray
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Thanks for reading Ray. Chapter one is of course the intro and chapter two is basically a long back story about Dax.
Comment from sidone
You are good writer good imagination, I was wondering if you publish a book already I don't usually read books with out covers but I like to be the first or the last to see things good work
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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You are good writer good imagination, I was wondering if you publish a book already I don't usually read books with out covers but I like to be the first or the last to see things good work
Comment Written 05-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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Thanks for the kind feedback. I've never been published, but am hoping ....
Comment from Scornwell
I thought this was well written and intriguing. The characters came across well and the dialog sounded realistic and seemed consistent with the characters.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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I thought this was well written and intriguing. The characters came across well and the dialog sounded realistic and seemed consistent with the characters.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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Thank you for reading and your kind comments!
Comment from rama devi
Your masterful descriptive detail brings your scenes and characters to life. Excellent pacing and story, my friend.
*Loved this opening description (note one typo--I've hear it is best to spell out numbers using alphabets)
The big wooden desk was covered with burn marks and rings from a thousand coffee cups. The cherry wood Regulator Clock on the wall was lending its repetitive cadence to the otherwise silent room. Bailey wondered how he sat in the same room with the clock for 20(twenty) years and never heard it.
*Bailey's wife Loretta had been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer about 18(eighteen) months ago
This is just something that opccured to me - not a 'correction'. In this para-
When Boudreaux asked him to get an eye witness to back off from assault and battery charges against two of Boudreaux's henchmen, he tried to draw the line. He started to relive the situation in his mind.
The last sentence:--'He started to relive the situation in his mind.'-- fits in fine in the para, but might be more dramatic if intriduced after a line break as a single line para.
So-
When Boudreaux asked him to get an eye witness to back off from assault and battery charges against two of Boudreaux's henchmen, he tried to draw the line.
He started to relive the situation in his mind.
*With an ironic grin, he thought, I wouldn't want to miss.
the comma after grin is optional, and I suggest trimming it.
*Driving over, the two discussed what all happened the past 24 (twenty-four)hours.
*I think he has held that Sheriff's position for something like 20(twenty) years.
I think you have a perfect balance of dialog and narrative, and your dialog is very authentic adn well paced, too.
It's amazing you can incorporate so much detail without slowing the pace.
Masterful work.
most of the suggestions are optional, so no stars deducted.
Bravo!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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Your masterful descriptive detail brings your scenes and characters to life. Excellent pacing and story, my friend.
*Loved this opening description (note one typo--I've hear it is best to spell out numbers using alphabets)
The big wooden desk was covered with burn marks and rings from a thousand coffee cups. The cherry wood Regulator Clock on the wall was lending its repetitive cadence to the otherwise silent room. Bailey wondered how he sat in the same room with the clock for 20(twenty) years and never heard it.
*Bailey's wife Loretta had been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer about 18(eighteen) months ago
This is just something that opccured to me - not a 'correction'. In this para-
When Boudreaux asked him to get an eye witness to back off from assault and battery charges against two of Boudreaux's henchmen, he tried to draw the line. He started to relive the situation in his mind.
The last sentence:--'He started to relive the situation in his mind.'-- fits in fine in the para, but might be more dramatic if intriduced after a line break as a single line para.
So-
When Boudreaux asked him to get an eye witness to back off from assault and battery charges against two of Boudreaux's henchmen, he tried to draw the line.
He started to relive the situation in his mind.
*With an ironic grin, he thought, I wouldn't want to miss.
the comma after grin is optional, and I suggest trimming it.
*Driving over, the two discussed what all happened the past 24 (twenty-four)hours.
*I think he has held that Sheriff's position for something like 20(twenty) years.
I think you have a perfect balance of dialog and narrative, and your dialog is very authentic adn well paced, too.
It's amazing you can incorporate so much detail without slowing the pace.
Masterful work.
most of the suggestions are optional, so no stars deducted.
Bravo!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 05-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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rd - you're fabulous. I will circle back tomorrow morning and make some corrections.
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:-)) Thanks dear B!
Comment from mcfinlayson
A great chapter. The characters are believable, the pace excellent and the development of the story pulls the reader in. I've just joined up, but still found the story very interesting. Nice one!
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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A great chapter. The characters are believable, the pace excellent and the development of the story pulls the reader in. I've just joined up, but still found the story very interesting. Nice one!
Comment Written 04-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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Thanks for reading and for your generous feedback. If you ever have the time, chapter 1 is an introduction and chapter 2 is a long back story for the primary character. Thanks again. Bill
Comment from Realist101
Oh boy, this could be set in Shoals, Indiana...we have "elected" sheriffs, "elected" commisioners, etc...it's all a joke. Just like your story, they are all C student farmers, or just hoodlums. I admire your dialogue and this is a really good story line Bill. ") Susan
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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Oh boy, this could be set in Shoals, Indiana...we have "elected" sheriffs, "elected" commisioners, etc...it's all a joke. Just like your story, they are all C student farmers, or just hoodlums. I admire your dialogue and this is a really good story line Bill. ") Susan
Comment Written 04-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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Thanks Susan! The one that always gets me is how can you elect a coroner? I appreciate your support of the story. Regards, Bill
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Ha, I know...no, I don't know? These small towns, they are "unto themselves"...and you are welcome Bill...so sorry for being behind on everything...I just can't keep up. Tiredly, Susan