Redemption
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Explosion"One Man's Return From Hell
39 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
I enjoyed reading this, despite jumping in part way through the book. The opening dialogue was engaging, and flowed well - it reveleaed information about the charcters and situation, without being boring, or feeling forced.
The second half was more action orientated - the descritptions of the meth lad and the dead bodies was good, and the explotion was unexepected, and well descriped.
There are a couple of minor niggles to mention (all purely suggestions, of course):
In the dialogue, there are a few places with misplaced commas:
""Good morning Dax." Jimmy flushed red." - should be comma after Dax, as its in dialogue
"Dax, helped himself to coffee before responding." - and reverse here - take the comma after his name out, as its not in dialogue. (there were one or two other instances of this happening too)
Another thing I noticed was where you repeated words, and it interrupted the flow.
Where you have "Lael, do you remember me telling you at supper..." and the reply is ""I do remember."" - it feels a little unnatural, and I think it would flow better if you simply had the reply "I do." (unless that would be unnatural to his normal speech, of course)
Lastly, you used "all of a sudden" a couple of times. This is just a personal nit of mine, but I find the phrase tends to slow the pace, rather than imply suddeness, because its so long.
In the first instance "All of a sudden, he felt a hand grab the back of his jacket." - perhaps something like "He had only taken two steps when a hand grabbed the back of his jacket" would work better. It continues the action and avoids the use of a stock phrase.
The second instance occurs in the dialogue - will of course depend on what's natural to the character, but I think it would be more natural to simply say "suddenly" or go with something more dramatic ""I watched you two burst through the door, and then BOOM. If Terry hadn't grabbed you by the jacket..."
Hope that;s of some help,
Dash
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2010
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I enjoyed reading this, despite jumping in part way through the book. The opening dialogue was engaging, and flowed well - it reveleaed information about the charcters and situation, without being boring, or feeling forced.
The second half was more action orientated - the descritptions of the meth lad and the dead bodies was good, and the explotion was unexepected, and well descriped.
There are a couple of minor niggles to mention (all purely suggestions, of course):
In the dialogue, there are a few places with misplaced commas:
""Good morning Dax." Jimmy flushed red." - should be comma after Dax, as its in dialogue
"Dax, helped himself to coffee before responding." - and reverse here - take the comma after his name out, as its not in dialogue. (there were one or two other instances of this happening too)
Another thing I noticed was where you repeated words, and it interrupted the flow.
Where you have "Lael, do you remember me telling you at supper..." and the reply is ""I do remember."" - it feels a little unnatural, and I think it would flow better if you simply had the reply "I do." (unless that would be unnatural to his normal speech, of course)
Lastly, you used "all of a sudden" a couple of times. This is just a personal nit of mine, but I find the phrase tends to slow the pace, rather than imply suddeness, because its so long.
In the first instance "All of a sudden, he felt a hand grab the back of his jacket." - perhaps something like "He had only taken two steps when a hand grabbed the back of his jacket" would work better. It continues the action and avoids the use of a stock phrase.
The second instance occurs in the dialogue - will of course depend on what's natural to the character, but I think it would be more natural to simply say "suddenly" or go with something more dramatic ""I watched you two burst through the door, and then BOOM. If Terry hadn't grabbed you by the jacket..."
Hope that;s of some help,
Dash
Comment Written 22-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2010
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Thanks Dash - I do appreciate the help and I promise to revisit those areas. Regards, Bill
Comment from animatqua
It's good to see the rookie can pull his weight. I like this turn around. It's usually the old salt who resignedly pulls out the poor, dumb kid. I do love twists, and this was a nice one!
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2010
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It's good to see the rookie can pull his weight. I like this turn around. It's usually the old salt who resignedly pulls out the poor, dumb kid. I do love twists, and this was a nice one!
Comment Written 22-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2010
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Thank you for reading and for your kind comments. Regards, Bill
Comment from M.L. Gardner
Very well developed story. Your dialog is very clean and reads smoothly, to where you can "hear" the character's voice clearly. Flows naturally, a sign of a good, confident writer.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2010
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Very well developed story. Your dialog is very clean and reads smoothly, to where you can "hear" the character's voice clearly. Flows naturally, a sign of a good, confident writer.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2010
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Thank you very much. I appreciate you reading and for your kind and generous remarks. Regards, Bill
Comment from humpwhistle
I love the way you keep the story moving, and your knack at dialog. But how do you decide whether to say "explosion" as opposed to picking up the pieces afterwards? Sorry, I'm scarfing for tips.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2010
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I love the way you keep the story moving, and your knack at dialog. But how do you decide whether to say "explosion" as opposed to picking up the pieces afterwards? Sorry, I'm scarfing for tips.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 20-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2010
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Thanks Lee - probably would have been better your way! Thanks for reading and your continued support. Regards, Bill
Comment from RazberryBullet
Liked this line: I always found a certain irony in using seized terrorist money to fund anti-terrorist activity. ;p
suggestion: Oddly enough, he was /laying>lying/ on top of Terry on the ground outside
Good for Terry--Where there's a trip wire, there's often a big old boom waiting to happen. :)
Well done!
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2010
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Liked this line: I always found a certain irony in using seized terrorist money to fund anti-terrorist activity. ;p
suggestion: Oddly enough, he was /laying>lying/ on top of Terry on the ground outside
Good for Terry--Where there's a trip wire, there's often a big old boom waiting to happen. :)
Well done!
Comment Written 20-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2010
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Well how do you know he wasn't on top of old Terry telling a big old lie? :) Thanks for reading and as always your help and support. Regards, Bill
Comment from Southern Writer
I am really enjoying this story. You keep it moving along without useless details. I like the DEA background. I just fell in love with the new deputy, Terry.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2010
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I am really enjoying this story. You keep it moving along without useless details. I like the DEA background. I just fell in love with the new deputy, Terry.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2010
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Thanks - believe it or not, they will be a tie in with all the characters introduced so far. I sure didn't know what I was biting off on. It sure is easier writing stand along stories. In fact, I've penciled in a couple already. Maybe someday.
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Heck yea, short stories are a ton easier than a book with real live chapters. I started a novel about all of our houseguests that those of us here in Baton Rouge had, during Katrina. Thinking they were only staying for a night or two and then we found out they weren't going home anytime soon. I thought I would just sit down and in a week the whole thing would be done. It is like juggling. You have to develope characters, even their history, and all the interactions. had to even research the development of the hurricane from day to day. I just got tired and stopped. Will return to it one day. but your story is progressing right along, smooooth!
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
I can't recall looking in on your story before but although it took me a little while to 'get my bearings' the story is very exciting, and each of the characters have their own well-defined behaviour.
The dialogue moves the story forward whilst keeping the reader informed of what is happening.
However, reading through I noticed various places where the writing could be tightened up considerably, as well as a few spag issues. I mention these only to be helpful.
when Dax finished (with his shower) having his shower...'
'He coughed for (affect) effect...'
'Jimmy had a bit of [a] flush...' (add 'a') or 'he was flushed.'
"(As much as we might) Although we may suspect him of things...'
'...but other than one (black) question mark...'
('A question mark conveys what you are saying. Alternatively you could say , 'apart from one black mark...' But not black question mark together)
I am not going to look any further for problems in the dialogue as that may be the way you intend them to speak.
'The sun was coming up from behind the building and wasn't up high enough to throw light through the skyline.'
Suggest: 'Although the sun was rising from behind the building it was not high enough to shine through the skylight.'
'Along with dimness the window was caked with years of dust.'
Suggest: 'The windows were dim and caked with years of dust.'
'Beneath the head of each body, there was what appeared to be a spreading pool of ink'
Suggest: 'There appeared to be what looked like a spreading pool of ink from each of their heads.'
'Stan was patient as he answered...'
Suggest: 'Stan answered patiently...'
'Before he even had time to think...'
'Before he could gather his thoughts...'
'Oddly enough he was (laying) lying on top of Terry...'
'Stan rolled off (of) Terry...'
Juliette
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2010
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I can't recall looking in on your story before but although it took me a little while to 'get my bearings' the story is very exciting, and each of the characters have their own well-defined behaviour.
The dialogue moves the story forward whilst keeping the reader informed of what is happening.
However, reading through I noticed various places where the writing could be tightened up considerably, as well as a few spag issues. I mention these only to be helpful.
when Dax finished (with his shower) having his shower...'
'He coughed for (affect) effect...'
'Jimmy had a bit of [a] flush...' (add 'a') or 'he was flushed.'
"(As much as we might) Although we may suspect him of things...'
'...but other than one (black) question mark...'
('A question mark conveys what you are saying. Alternatively you could say , 'apart from one black mark...' But not black question mark together)
I am not going to look any further for problems in the dialogue as that may be the way you intend them to speak.
'The sun was coming up from behind the building and wasn't up high enough to throw light through the skyline.'
Suggest: 'Although the sun was rising from behind the building it was not high enough to shine through the skylight.'
'Along with dimness the window was caked with years of dust.'
Suggest: 'The windows were dim and caked with years of dust.'
'Beneath the head of each body, there was what appeared to be a spreading pool of ink'
Suggest: 'There appeared to be what looked like a spreading pool of ink from each of their heads.'
'Stan was patient as he answered...'
Suggest: 'Stan answered patiently...'
'Before he even had time to think...'
'Before he could gather his thoughts...'
'Oddly enough he was (laying) lying on top of Terry...'
'Stan rolled off (of) Terry...'
Juliette
Comment Written 20-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2010
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Thanks for reading Juliette and for taking the time to help. I'll circle back and look at all of the areas you mention. In some cases, it might be a situation of proper English vs. our bastardized version. If you ever wanted to take a few minutes and circle back, chapter 1 is an intro and chapter 2 is one long back-story. Regards, Bill
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I could never proport to be anything of an expert on 'Proper English.' (LOL) If you don't believe me have a look at some of my work - especially punctuation.
Your story is very good - so it should be the best that it can be.
Juliette
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I have read and reviewed your work. It is outstanding. I always appreciate help like yours. Even if the stories get no further than posted on FS, I would like for them to be perfect. I always tell Adewpearl (Brooke) that she's like one of my school teachers, always whacking my hand with a ruler. Warm regards, Bill
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We are a community of writer's (aspiring in my case)it is our mission to help and encourage one another as much as possible.
The bonus is that I get to hear some of your funny stories as a bonus.
Juliette
Comment from adewpearl
He coughed for affect - for effect
Good morning, Dax - add comma for direct address
With a grin, Lael, responded - drop the second comma
Dax, helped himself to coffee - drop the comma
I don't know, Beth - add comma for direct address
Excellent dialogue, Bill, and the intrigue of the plot continues to be fascinating :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2010
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He coughed for affect - for effect
Good morning, Dax - add comma for direct address
With a grin, Lael, responded - drop the second comma
Dax, helped himself to coffee - drop the comma
I don't know, Beth - add comma for direct address
Excellent dialogue, Bill, and the intrigue of the plot continues to be fascinating :-) Brooke
Comment Written 20-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2010
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Thanks for reading Brooke and for the terrific help. Regards, Bill
Comment from FredCollingwood
Another wonderful addition to your story. I love this part:
Stan rolled off of Terry and felt himself all over. "I don't think anything is busted. How about you, Terry?"
"Well, I'm a hell of a lot better now that you're not on top of me. You need to start eating salads for lunch.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2010
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Another wonderful addition to your story. I love this part:
Stan rolled off of Terry and felt himself all over. "I don't think anything is busted. How about you, Terry?"
"Well, I'm a hell of a lot better now that you're not on top of me. You need to start eating salads for lunch.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2010
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Thanks for reading Fred - I appreciate you stopping by! Regards, Bill
Comment from pickthorn
Great action in this chapter Bill. I liked it there where Terry saved Stan from being blown to bits. I guess he was glad that Terry had learned a little something in school.:o) I enjoyed this chapter very much. Looking forward to the next one. Great writing.
pickthorn
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2010
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Great action in this chapter Bill. I liked it there where Terry saved Stan from being blown to bits. I guess he was glad that Terry had learned a little something in school.:o) I enjoyed this chapter very much. Looking forward to the next one. Great writing.
pickthorn
Comment Written 19-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2010
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Thank you for reading and for your kind and generous feedback!
