Redemption
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Old Friends"One Man's Return From Hell
31 total reviews
Comment from Helen Tan
Okay Bill, just let me scream once before I rewrite this review . I was nearing the end before the whole thing got wiped out! AAARGH!
Now for the review.
Working in the Secret Service, I think it's often that the agents are faced with these friends/ enemies situation. You could be friends but if the mission calls for it, you might have to turn on each other.
I've left some points for you to consider, hope they are of some help.
His mind was racing, trying to decide
Consider - His mind raced, trying to decide ...
so this positioning put him out of a direct sight line.
Consider - so this positioning put him out of direct sight. I think this flows better.
He took a glance at Gus before saying,
Consider - He glanced at Gus...
By tightening, it gives your sentence more punch.
It was pitch black, so he turned on a micro light on his keychain. He walked out toward the road, guided by the distant tip of a lit cigarette.
These two lines are confusing. It was dark so he turned on the micro light . Then in the second line, you write e's being guided by a distant lit cigarette. I presumed this cigarette is the one being smoked by the someone who was waiting for him. If it's distant would he see it so clearing that it can lead his way?
Someone was waiting for him.
Consider -Someone waited for him.
Read it through, I think it will give your closing hook more punch. Another version you might consider to increase the tension -
Someone waited - for him.
I think the pause adds a bit of drama. Play around with the structure. I hope you understand what I'm driving at.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Okay Bill, just let me scream once before I rewrite this review . I was nearing the end before the whole thing got wiped out! AAARGH!
Now for the review.
Working in the Secret Service, I think it's often that the agents are faced with these friends/ enemies situation. You could be friends but if the mission calls for it, you might have to turn on each other.
I've left some points for you to consider, hope they are of some help.
His mind was racing, trying to decide
Consider - His mind raced, trying to decide ...
so this positioning put him out of a direct sight line.
Consider - so this positioning put him out of direct sight. I think this flows better.
He took a glance at Gus before saying,
Consider - He glanced at Gus...
By tightening, it gives your sentence more punch.
It was pitch black, so he turned on a micro light on his keychain. He walked out toward the road, guided by the distant tip of a lit cigarette.
These two lines are confusing. It was dark so he turned on the micro light . Then in the second line, you write e's being guided by a distant lit cigarette. I presumed this cigarette is the one being smoked by the someone who was waiting for him. If it's distant would he see it so clearing that it can lead his way?
Someone was waiting for him.
Consider -Someone waited for him.
Read it through, I think it will give your closing hook more punch. Another version you might consider to increase the tension -
Someone waited - for him.
I think the pause adds a bit of drama. Play around with the structure. I hope you understand what I'm driving at.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Helen - I'll have to wait until I'm around a printer. I very much appreciate this! I would say, hugs and kisses, but from me, might be more appropriate to say Hoggs and quiches! LOL Bill
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You have me cackling - Hoggs and quiches! This must be one of the funniest signature line I've read in ages! Thanks.
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Oops sorry - it should read as "clearly" rather than "clearing" - the point I made about the cigarette. My mind races faster than my typing.
Comment from Fireshadow
Bill, this is an excellent chapter with great detailed narrative, descriptions and dialogue, which make it flow and read smoothly. The storyline is developing at a nice clip, retaining the reader's interest. Found no spag errors. My only suggestion is to edit and enlarge the font size to make it easier to read. Otherwise, very well done, my freind.
Amarillys
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Bill, this is an excellent chapter with great detailed narrative, descriptions and dialogue, which make it flow and read smoothly. The storyline is developing at a nice clip, retaining the reader's interest. Found no spag errors. My only suggestion is to edit and enlarge the font size to make it easier to read. Otherwise, very well done, my freind.
Amarillys
Comment Written 01-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Thank you very much for your kind and generous review. I'll take a look at the font. It was posted as size 16, but postings have surprised me before. Maybe Evil Eddie struck again!
Comment from FredCollingwood
Great addition to your story, Bill. I could feel that action and attention, particularly when Beth had the .38. Very exciting chapter.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Great addition to your story, Bill. I could feel that action and attention, particularly when Beth had the .38. Very exciting chapter.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Thanks Fred - we all like praise, but when it comes from someone we admire .... priceless!
Comment from Soledadpaz
I don't get this: "when I asked them to pick Lael up, they were taking a copy of what's in the folder to the Mexicans"
Were they double crossing him?
And why involve the girl to get the information to the mother?
Why not do what he just did, break in with a special delivery?
things that make you go, hmmmm!
The writing flows well and paints a vivid picture of the actions.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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I don't get this: "when I asked them to pick Lael up, they were taking a copy of what's in the folder to the Mexicans"
Were they double crossing him?
And why involve the girl to get the information to the mother?
Why not do what he just did, break in with a special delivery?
things that make you go, hmmmm!
The writing flows well and paints a vivid picture of the actions.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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You would almost have to read the other postings. A real difficulty in a novel is trying to address everyone. I very much appreciate you reading and your kind and generous comments. Regards, Bil
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi bhogg,
Good tense chapter. For those trained in these things, the odd noises are the one's that wake you up. Must be an inherited trait from our cave ancestors...
Good dialogues and a subtle hook in the end there.
Patrick
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Hi bhogg,
Good tense chapter. For those trained in these things, the odd noises are the one's that wake you up. Must be an inherited trait from our cave ancestors...
Good dialogues and a subtle hook in the end there.
Patrick
Comment Written 01-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Thanks Patrick - always appreciate feedback from writers I admire. Regards, Bill
Comment from RazberryBullet
Interesting!--the one coming in pushed the door inward toward the hinges. This was meant to minimize the door squeaking
Good to know that Beth likes to keep her house tidy ;p--That way, if I have to shoot Boudreaux, the blood won't get on the carpet. LOL!!!
suggestion: things start in California and the West Coast, and sooner or later /comes>come/ East.
Nice, even ominous last sentence :)
Well done!
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Interesting!--the one coming in pushed the door inward toward the hinges. This was meant to minimize the door squeaking
Good to know that Beth likes to keep her house tidy ;p--That way, if I have to shoot Boudreaux, the blood won't get on the carpet. LOL!!!
suggestion: things start in California and the West Coast, and sooner or later /comes>come/ East.
Nice, even ominous last sentence :)
Well done!
Comment Written 01-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Thanks RB - I'll make that change. You make me smile when you visit. Regards, Bill
Comment from anabelle
So, the plot unravels - at least a bit. Paul isn't bringing in the meth or the crack. Who is then? And who's waiting for Gus?
Good read. Thanks.
Regards, anabelle
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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So, the plot unravels - at least a bit. Paul isn't bringing in the meth or the crack. Who is then? And who's waiting for Gus?
Good read. Thanks.
Regards, anabelle
Comment Written 01-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Thanks for reading Anabelle - of course, I'm such a whore. I tease you so you will come back! LOL Bill
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Is that what a 'whore' is? Imagine that. I got to this age and never knew that. ;-0
Comment from missy98writer
Bill,
a tense and suspensful chapter. I enjoyed it eminsely. The dialogue is fantasic. I loved the tension. I wouldn't trust Gus for one moment. I'm sure he'd throw you under the bus and back over you. Your words painted a picture in the readers mind. I could see Dax creeping out of bed clucthing his .45 pistol while wearing a tee shirt and boxer shorts. I enjoyed this line: "Well, we can sit at the kitchen table. That way, if I have to shoot Boudreaux, the blood won't get on the carpet. Sit there, with your hands palm down, flat on the table." I wonder who's waiting for Gus? I loved the tension. I loved the way you left the reader hanging. I definately will read the next chapter. It was a delight to read chapter eight of your book Redemption. Have a wonderful weekend. . .Melissa.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Bill,
a tense and suspensful chapter. I enjoyed it eminsely. The dialogue is fantasic. I loved the tension. I wouldn't trust Gus for one moment. I'm sure he'd throw you under the bus and back over you. Your words painted a picture in the readers mind. I could see Dax creeping out of bed clucthing his .45 pistol while wearing a tee shirt and boxer shorts. I enjoyed this line: "Well, we can sit at the kitchen table. That way, if I have to shoot Boudreaux, the blood won't get on the carpet. Sit there, with your hands palm down, flat on the table." I wonder who's waiting for Gus? I loved the tension. I loved the way you left the reader hanging. I definately will read the next chapter. It was a delight to read chapter eight of your book Redemption. Have a wonderful weekend. . .Melissa.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Melissa - I very much appreciate you reading and for your kind and generous review. You have a great weekend as well. It's supposed to be cool here for the first time in a long while. Regards, Bill
Comment from R. K. Alan
I enjoyed this read a great deal. It flowed swiftly and was an easy read. I liked the natural sound of the dialogue. Sorry I came into this a bit late, but I'll tag along from this point forward. Thanks for letting me know about your book. Ray aka krylon
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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I enjoyed this read a great deal. It flowed swiftly and was an easy read. I liked the natural sound of the dialogue. Sorry I came into this a bit late, but I'll tag along from this point forward. Thanks for letting me know about your book. Ray aka krylon
Comment Written 01-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Thanks for reading Ray.
Comment from patmedium
Excellent. MUCH appreciated and thoroughly enjoyed ... MORE, please? It's almost painful, waiting for these episodes! LOL. Pat.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Excellent. MUCH appreciated and thoroughly enjoyed ... MORE, please? It's almost painful, waiting for these episodes! LOL. Pat.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Thanks Pat - I would post more frequently, but it takes a long time to earn enough points! I very much appreciate you following this. Warm regards, Bill
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I understand that, Bill ... I am kicking, really, against the system here in fanstoryland ... I, personally, would happily read a whole book for ten cents if I could have it in one! LOL.
