Redemption
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Old Friends"One Man's Return From Hell
31 total reviews
Comment from Kashif Ali Abbas
Hi,
You have penned down this novel in a good way. I have some issues with dialogues, they can be improved. The length of the chapter can be increased as well, on the whole your style is awesome and it will be a good novel in the end.
Best wishes
well done
K
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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Hi,
You have penned down this novel in a good way. I have some issues with dialogues, they can be improved. The length of the chapter can be increased as well, on the whole your style is awesome and it will be a good novel in the end.
Best wishes
well done
K
Comment Written 04-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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Hi K - thanks for reading and commenting. It would certainly be easier for me to write longer posts, but my experience on this site is the "pain threshold" for readers increases pretty dramatically over about 1500 words. Thanks and regards, Bill
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You are welcome:)
K
Comment from animatqua
I have reviewed a number of your pieces before, and always found your work to be profession, well written, and interesting. This chapter is no exception.
I did not need the author's notes to get caught up into the action, nor to get a good understanding of the background. you supplied both through the dialogue here. The characters did take some looking into, but I would expect that. At eight chapters in, they should be pretty well developed elsewhere.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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I have reviewed a number of your pieces before, and always found your work to be profession, well written, and interesting. This chapter is no exception.
I did not need the author's notes to get caught up into the action, nor to get a good understanding of the background. you supplied both through the dialogue here. The characters did take some looking into, but I would expect that. At eight chapters in, they should be pretty well developed elsewhere.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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Thank you for visiting again and for your kind words. Regards, Bill
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
bhogg:
this is quite the story -- I'm going to
have to follow it to see what happens --
you write really well -- the dialogue is
sharp and appropriate to the occasion --
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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bhogg:
this is quite the story -- I'm going to
have to follow it to see what happens --
you write really well -- the dialogue is
sharp and appropriate to the occasion --
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
Comment Written 03-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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I appreciate that you read the chapter and took the time to provide feedback! Regards, Bill
Comment from Gungalo
Whoa! The mystery and intrigue build fast here. It's a good tale that I think is about to fly wide open. Your characters are strong and believable. I love this ending to this chapter:
Gus walked out the door. It was pitch black, so he turned on a micro light on his keychain. He walked out toward the road, guided by the distant tip of a lit cigarette. Someone was waiting for him.
The reader can "see" that glowing cigarette in the night.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2010
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Whoa! The mystery and intrigue build fast here. It's a good tale that I think is about to fly wide open. Your characters are strong and believable. I love this ending to this chapter:
Gus walked out the door. It was pitch black, so he turned on a micro light on his keychain. He walked out toward the road, guided by the distant tip of a lit cigarette. Someone was waiting for him.
The reader can "see" that glowing cigarette in the night.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2010
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I very much appreciate you reading and for your kind and generous feedback. I've outlined the next few chapters, so hope to post a new chapter fairly soon. Regards, Bill
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I'll be here. Nice work, Bill!!!
Comment from acvguard11
great job..i see why this piece is recognized ..very well written....dont let others discourage you if you love to write..great job and keep writing :)!!!
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2010
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great job..i see why this piece is recognized ..very well written....dont let others discourage you if you love to write..great job and keep writing :)!!!
Comment Written 03-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2010
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Thank you very much for reading and for your kind words. I certainly don't get discouraged. I feel that I've been very lucky on having people follow my work and I've gotten pretty good feedback. I've been on this site since October of last year, and while not what I would call prolific, have posted a fair number of things. In any event, thanks for visiting and your kind and generous feedback!
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Bill. Very well-done chapter, my friend. I do have a few suggestions for you, if you don't mind though:
It's easy to use a few too many words that you can or may not miss in the revision. A trick I use is to go in a room somewhere by myself and read the stuff OUT LOUD to myself. (you will be surprised at what you hear and want to fix)
ie..."Weeding the writing"
"With one more click of the lock pick, the door started to open very slowly" (Just opened slowly is fine)
"What in the hell is this guy up to? May as well let it play out a little and see where it goes." (leave off "and see where it goes"
"I've got plenty of money squirreled away in the Cayman Islands. Dax, like you, I know how to hide money, where if I don't want it found, it's not going to be found. (somewhat jumbled here for some reason...easy Enough to clarify though)
Great job overall, bill Bravo! Bob
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2010
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Hi, Bill. Very well-done chapter, my friend. I do have a few suggestions for you, if you don't mind though:
It's easy to use a few too many words that you can or may not miss in the revision. A trick I use is to go in a room somewhere by myself and read the stuff OUT LOUD to myself. (you will be surprised at what you hear and want to fix)
ie..."Weeding the writing"
"With one more click of the lock pick, the door started to open very slowly" (Just opened slowly is fine)
"What in the hell is this guy up to? May as well let it play out a little and see where it goes." (leave off "and see where it goes"
"I've got plenty of money squirreled away in the Cayman Islands. Dax, like you, I know how to hide money, where if I don't want it found, it's not going to be found. (somewhat jumbled here for some reason...easy Enough to clarify though)
Great job overall, bill Bravo! Bob
Comment Written 03-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2010
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Thanks for the feedback Bob - I will circle around. From what I see, all are very worthy changes! Regards, Bill
Comment from LumchuckHickle
This is engaging, well-written. There is a little too much explication for my taste, but...given that...it is pretty well buried within the tension and logic of the scene. It's hard for me to imagine that you could do this better given that you need, apparently, to pass all this information to the reader at this point. You have a good prose style. The dialogue is just a tad stiff for my taste, but that may be because these particular characters talk in very reasoned and careful ways to each other. Not a major objection. Just something I thought I might note. Thanks for posting this. I enjoyed reading it.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2010
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This is engaging, well-written. There is a little too much explication for my taste, but...given that...it is pretty well buried within the tension and logic of the scene. It's hard for me to imagine that you could do this better given that you need, apparently, to pass all this information to the reader at this point. You have a good prose style. The dialogue is just a tad stiff for my taste, but that may be because these particular characters talk in very reasoned and careful ways to each other. Not a major objection. Just something I thought I might note. Thanks for posting this. I enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2010
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Thanks for reading. I will definitely think about your feedback. Regards, Bill
Comment from Rama Rao
An excellent and well written chapter which had me riveted to it.
Drug cartels and their agents always make good reading. In your hands, they make better reading.
Keep going. You are on the right track to success.
Great job.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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An excellent and well written chapter which had me riveted to it.
Drug cartels and their agents always make good reading. In your hands, they make better reading.
Keep going. You are on the right track to success.
Great job.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Thank you very much for reading. I certainly have enjoyed your recent posts. Regards, Bill
Comment from dportwood
Bill,
This story held my interest and I had no trouble reading to the end. Clean story and no errors detected, although I didn't read it through the eyes of an editor.
Duane
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Bill,
This story held my interest and I had no trouble reading to the end. Clean story and no errors detected, although I didn't read it through the eyes of an editor.
Duane
Comment Written 01-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Hi Duane - Hopefully, you just read and enjoyed. Regards, Bill
Comment from Realist101
Hi Bill! Another intriguing chapter! I literally could find no spags, of course, I am NO expert there, but it looked great. AND suspenseful ending to this one too! ") Susan.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Hi Bill! Another intriguing chapter! I literally could find no spags, of course, I am NO expert there, but it looked great. AND suspenseful ending to this one too! ") Susan.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Hi Susan - thank you very much for stopping by and reading. I do self edit, but spags do tend to come through. If you didn't find any, it must mean I did my job on keeping your attention. Regards, Bill
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") I tried , but you did good! I am trying to get caught up reviewing, I am probably 30 behind! "( ") Susan
