Redemption
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Murder"One Man's Return From Hell
26 total reviews
Comment from marcii
You spoilt this chapter for me because you said at the beginning what was going to happen in the chapter, it's ok to say what has gone before but not what is going to happen.
The story itself is very good.
Marcii
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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You spoilt this chapter for me because you said at the beginning what was going to happen in the chapter, it's ok to say what has gone before but not what is going to happen.
The story itself is very good.
Marcii
Comment Written 30-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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oops - sorry for the spoiler.
Comment from pholley
I had to read it three times before I recognized the characters but once I realized who was who I could follow the story. The story was realistic.
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reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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I had to read it three times before I recognized the characters but once I realized who was who I could follow the story. The story was realistic.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Story for the confusion. It is posted as a book, but perhaps I'll add a list of characters.
Comment from Mastery
Hi Bill Good chapter. Lots of action abut you do need more imagery, I'm afraid and a better opening hook. You have a great hook, only it is all telling and no showing. It's someone reciting the things the writer wants to see:
"Stanley repeated himself. "They're dead. We got here just a minute or two before you. We walked in and saw them lying on the ground. There wasn't a lot of blood or anything, but when I walked over to them, you could see the small holes in the back of their heads. I felt for a pulse, but there wasn't one. The bodies were still warm to the touch. We just backed out slow and easy, so as to not disturb the crime scene."
Try this, Bill (forget the dialogue line, first of all...never start a chapter with any dialogue....Good rule to go by:
"Stan and _________walked in and saw the bodies lying on the ground. Stan kneeled to get a better look. He felt for a pulse and found the skin was still warm to the touch. But they were definitely dead. They both had taken three small caliber bullet holes to the back of the head. Oddly enough, there was very little blood.
"This is the way we found them, _________. We just backed out of there, didn't touch a thing except what I just told you."
Good job overall, bill Bob
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Hi Bill Good chapter. Lots of action abut you do need more imagery, I'm afraid and a better opening hook. You have a great hook, only it is all telling and no showing. It's someone reciting the things the writer wants to see:
"Stanley repeated himself. "They're dead. We got here just a minute or two before you. We walked in and saw them lying on the ground. There wasn't a lot of blood or anything, but when I walked over to them, you could see the small holes in the back of their heads. I felt for a pulse, but there wasn't one. The bodies were still warm to the touch. We just backed out slow and easy, so as to not disturb the crime scene."
Try this, Bill (forget the dialogue line, first of all...never start a chapter with any dialogue....Good rule to go by:
"Stan and _________walked in and saw the bodies lying on the ground. Stan kneeled to get a better look. He felt for a pulse and found the skin was still warm to the touch. But they were definitely dead. They both had taken three small caliber bullet holes to the back of the head. Oddly enough, there was very little blood.
"This is the way we found them, _________. We just backed out of there, didn't touch a thing except what I just told you."
Good job overall, bill Bob
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Thanks for reading Bob. I will definitely circle back around and look at the introduction. I appreciate your insight. Regards, Bill
Comment from patwannabe
bill, of course. That sounds just like the generic red-neck southern sheriff. Ya gotta love 'em anyhow, they's jest duin ther job. I'm enjoying your story. It's very easy to read because it's very well done. Excellent dialog. No SPaG.
pat
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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bill, of course. That sounds just like the generic red-neck southern sheriff. Ya gotta love 'em anyhow, they's jest duin ther job. I'm enjoying your story. It's very easy to read because it's very well done. Excellent dialog. No SPaG.
pat
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Thanks Pat - you will find that the sheriff does have some issues. I appreciate your support of the book. Regards, Bill
Comment from Realist101
Well, I love it when law enforcement is guilty! ") HA> TOO many of them think THEY are above the law, and it's my personal belief that some join just to get by with things. But this story is again, perfectly written, your characters are true to reality, i.e. "The sheriff said this shrilly, almost spitting he was so mad." PERFECT! ") I will try to keep up with this Bill!! ") Susan
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Well, I love it when law enforcement is guilty! ") HA> TOO many of them think THEY are above the law, and it's my personal belief that some join just to get by with things. But this story is again, perfectly written, your characters are true to reality, i.e. "The sheriff said this shrilly, almost spitting he was so mad." PERFECT! ") I will try to keep up with this Bill!! ") Susan
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Susan - I very much appreciate your comments. Look across the internet .... that's me smiling :)
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") Thanks Bill. I need a friendly face right now to "see" instead of sour ones...ha...Susan
Comment from Sally Carter
I remember that in an earlier chapter, Bill, I said your story felt a little heavy on background. No such issues here! Fast and snappy, with interesting technical detail about guns and residues etc. But you made it relatively easy for the lay person to understand.
Good characters, and I specially liked the little touch of the sheriff needing to push back the car seat.
Looking forward to subsequent writes.
Best wishes to you.
Sally
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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I remember that in an earlier chapter, Bill, I said your story felt a little heavy on background. No such issues here! Fast and snappy, with interesting technical detail about guns and residues etc. But you made it relatively easy for the lay person to understand.
Good characters, and I specially liked the little touch of the sheriff needing to push back the car seat.
Looking forward to subsequent writes.
Best wishes to you.
Sally
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Hi Sally - astute as always. Chapter 2 was very heavy. I wrote chapter 1 for a strong character contest. Several people asked to continue the story, so chapter 2 was mostly a "telling" chapter. If I were a better writer, I would have known how to intwine all those descriptors within the narrative. I very much appreciate your support. Regards, Bill
Comment from Southern Writer
Good seeing some of your work. This is going to be good. Of course, I love the sheriff, if he isn't Southern Gothic sherifff I don't know who is.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Good seeing some of your work. This is going to be good. Of course, I love the sheriff, if he isn't Southern Gothic sherifff I don't know who is.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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I didn't even mention the gravy stain on his tie! As always, thank you very much for your support. Regards, Bil
Comment from vandawalker
A good deed never goes unpunished. Now he's gotten himself into a mess. This is an interesting case with a lot of bumbling going on to try and solve it. You've written this very well and brings out a need for the reader to keep on reading. Good work!
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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A good deed never goes unpunished. Now he's gotten himself into a mess. This is an interesting case with a lot of bumbling going on to try and solve it. You've written this very well and brings out a need for the reader to keep on reading. Good work!
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Well, I hope everyone keeps reading. Thank you very much for reading and your support. Regards, Bill
Comment from FredCollingwood
I guess this would fall under the category of "no good deed goes unpunished." Great visuals and I really like the natural dialog. Excellent!
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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I guess this would fall under the category of "no good deed goes unpunished." Great visuals and I really like the natural dialog. Excellent!
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Hi Fred - praise from you is always appreciated. I actually read some of your posts very closely before even trying a book. Lots harder than just posting a story!
Comment from lucyanne1977
What a good story i liked the plot and the characters worked well together. The flow of the piece was good too it was a real easy read.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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What a good story i liked the plot and the characters worked well together. The flow of the piece was good too it was a real easy read.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Thank you for reading and for your kind and generous review! I hope that if you haven't you will visit previous chapters. Regards, Bill