Redemption
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "The Mystery Begins"One Man's Return From Hell
17 total reviews
Comment from marcii
This seems about right, a sheriff getting in with the drug lords etc... I bet in real life some times they would do just to stay alive, other however might do it because their just dirty.
Your story is very good.
Marcii
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
  |
This seems about right, a sheriff getting in with the drug lords etc... I bet in real life some times they would do just to stay alive, other however might do it because their just dirty.
Your story is very good.
Marcii
Comment Written 30-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
-
The Sheriff will come across with mixed grades. I hope you stay tuned.
Comment from patmedium
Marvellous. Exactly as pleasing as the previous sections. I have thoroughly enjoyed the read so far. The images you paint on my mind's eye are crystal clear. No messing around with superfluous speech.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
|
Marvellous. Exactly as pleasing as the previous sections. I have thoroughly enjoyed the read so far. The images you paint on my mind's eye are crystal clear. No messing around with superfluous speech.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
-
Thanks for reading Pat and for your continued support!
Comment from anabelle
Well! It sounds like someone got there first, and we can all bet it's so they wouldn't say anything about why they were there attacking Lael.
Nicely done.
Regards, anabelle
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2010
|
Well! It sounds like someone got there first, and we can all bet it's so they wouldn't say anything about why they were there attacking Lael.
Nicely done.
Regards, anabelle
Comment Written 24-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2010
-
Thanks for reading Anabelle - are you sure you didn't peak at my notes for next chapter!
-
LOL! I would have, if I could have.
Comment from Southern Writer
This is getting very interesting. A sheriff that might be too tight with the local drug men, a man retired from a job as an "accountant", that somehow knows all sorts of fighting moves. Plus, he has past memories that are stirred up....and now two murders.....
Can't wait to read more.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2010
|
This is getting very interesting. A sheriff that might be too tight with the local drug men, a man retired from a job as an "accountant", that somehow knows all sorts of fighting moves. Plus, he has past memories that are stirred up....and now two murders.....
Can't wait to read more.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2010
-
Thanks for reading and for your support. I do hope you stay tuned.
Comment from Sally Carter
Really enjoyed this one, Bill. Now the scene setting has been done, you can get on with the action and plot development.
I liked Dax's dry introduction. He is going to be cool, I can see!
Just a few points I noted. Going down the page:
Para beginning "Sticking.." two "looks" quite close.
Para beginning "Squinting", closing inverted commas needed.
Para beginning "pointing" no comma needed after Lael.
Liked the way you weaved in the backgroun information about the sheriff.
In the para beginning "Dax assumed", do you need that opening sentence?
Next para, no comma needed after Lael.
Liked the para about brothers in arms, and use of the verb re-group.
"What don't I drive"? I wonder if this is dialect or whether it's a typo for "why"?
Great description of Lael multi-tasking!
Enjoyed the Superman exchange and Dax saying he would not recognise his surname. Cool again!
Great ending to lure the reader into the next chapter.
Good luck with this one Bill. Interesting characters, lots of questions, and overall very enjoyable.
Best wishes to you
Sally
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2010
|
Really enjoyed this one, Bill. Now the scene setting has been done, you can get on with the action and plot development.
I liked Dax's dry introduction. He is going to be cool, I can see!
Just a few points I noted. Going down the page:
Para beginning "Sticking.." two "looks" quite close.
Para beginning "Squinting", closing inverted commas needed.
Para beginning "pointing" no comma needed after Lael.
Liked the way you weaved in the backgroun information about the sheriff.
In the para beginning "Dax assumed", do you need that opening sentence?
Next para, no comma needed after Lael.
Liked the para about brothers in arms, and use of the verb re-group.
"What don't I drive"? I wonder if this is dialect or whether it's a typo for "why"?
Great description of Lael multi-tasking!
Enjoyed the Superman exchange and Dax saying he would not recognise his surname. Cool again!
Great ending to lure the reader into the next chapter.
Good luck with this one Bill. Interesting characters, lots of questions, and overall very enjoyable.
Best wishes to you
Sally
Comment Written 24-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2010
-
Thanks Sally - all great catches. I really appreciate you!
Comment from patwannabe
Wow, Bill, that was a surprise. Now I suppose Dax and Lael will be charged with murder. Great hook.
I noticed two small fixers. You need a comma after: "Are you alright(comma) brat?" and "Fair enough(comma) Dax."
Loved it. pat
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2010
|
Wow, Bill, that was a surprise. Now I suppose Dax and Lael will be charged with murder. Great hook.
I noticed two small fixers. You need a comma after: "Are you alright(comma) brat?" and "Fair enough(comma) Dax."
Loved it. pat
Comment Written 24-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2010
-
Thanks for reading Pat and those great catches! Regards, Bill
Comment from marcellawachtel
I wonder why she doesn't pick up on what he said about her name causing his mind to wander. I wonder if we are going to be dealing with Jimmy a lot, now. I wonder who killed the two dealers. Now that Dax came out squeaky clean, will he be taken into everyone's confidence, and keep being a rescuer? Sorry--I just felt like bustin' your chops a little. I love the way this story is going, It moves smoothly and is full of interesting little details.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2010
|
I wonder why she doesn't pick up on what he said about her name causing his mind to wander. I wonder if we are going to be dealing with Jimmy a lot, now. I wonder who killed the two dealers. Now that Dax came out squeaky clean, will he be taken into everyone's confidence, and keep being a rescuer? Sorry--I just felt like bustin' your chops a little. I love the way this story is going, It moves smoothly and is full of interesting little details.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2010
-
Hi Marcella - all will be answered. You just have to stay tuned. Thanks for reading and for your support! REgards, Bill
Comment from RebelRose
Uh-oh. That doesn't look good for Dax, the fact that the guys are dead. Somebody apparently didn't want them to talk and wants Dax to take the heat.
Great chapter. I only found one little nit.
at [the] battered pick-up
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2010
|
Uh-oh. That doesn't look good for Dax, the fact that the guys are dead. Somebody apparently didn't want them to talk and wants Dax to take the heat.
Great chapter. I only found one little nit.
at [the] battered pick-up
Comment Written 23-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2010
-
Thanks for reading Patty. I'll make that correction. Thanks for finding it! Regards, Bill
Comment from adewpearl
What kind of problem, Stanley - add comma
Shot in the head? Well, that does not sound good for Dax, now does it? Wow, this is just intriguing, Bill. Excellent dialogue and description of setting, which is so important to this story. You work the back story in smoothly, too. Can't wait to see what happens next. Brooke
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2010
|
What kind of problem, Stanley - add comma
Shot in the head? Well, that does not sound good for Dax, now does it? Wow, this is just intriguing, Bill. Excellent dialogue and description of setting, which is so important to this story. You work the back story in smoothly, too. Can't wait to see what happens next. Brooke
Comment Written 23-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2010
-
Thank you for reading Brooke. I'll make that correction right away. I always appreciate you willingness to really read and help. You're the best!
Comment from Soledadpaz
I'm not sure why if Lael had a cell phone, they didn't call in for the sheriff to come out while they kept an eye on the perpetrators? Now he can't prove he didn't shoot them. Things that make you go hmmmmm!
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2010
|
I'm not sure why if Lael had a cell phone, they didn't call in for the sheriff to come out while they kept an eye on the perpetrators? Now he can't prove he didn't shoot them. Things that make you go hmmmmm!
Comment Written 23-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2010
-
I have no idea why those "dumbasses" didn't think of that. I'm glad that you brought that point up though. I will steal it shamelessly and use in the next chapter! Regards, Bill
-
Glad I could help! LOL!
