Redemption
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Awakening"One Man's Return From Hell
22 total reviews
Comment from janeae
Well, Bill, you've been recognized by FS so you don't need my applause, but you've got it ! I am going to read the 'rest of the story' ha, and get on your fan list so I won't miss any more. You are a smart ol' dog having me come back to chapters 1 and 2. You are a very good story teller, thank you so much for writing. jane
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2010
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Well, Bill, you've been recognized by FS so you don't need my applause, but you've got it ! I am going to read the 'rest of the story' ha, and get on your fan list so I won't miss any more. You are a smart ol' dog having me come back to chapters 1 and 2. You are a very good story teller, thank you so much for writing. jane
Comment Written 19-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2010
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Thanks Jane - you are certainly right about the old part! I'm glad that you went back and read. It is always the problem in posting a book as opposed to stand alone stories - how do you satisfy a first time reader and at the same time, encourage people to stay with the story. I very much appreciate the six. I always view as a compliment. You know ... I can't help it. If you want to read a little different side of me, take a look at a story called Rabbit. Warm regards, Bill
Comment from marcii
Good believable back ground on Dax and his now dead family.
I like the thought of Asps, a little thing it might seem but good.
Funny how this young woman has same name of his daughter, gets you thinking.
Marcii
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Good believable back ground on Dax and his now dead family.
I like the thought of Asps, a little thing it might seem but good.
Funny how this young woman has same name of his daughter, gets you thinking.
Marcii
Comment Written 30-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2010
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Hi Marcii - I do appreciate you thinking enough to go back to read previous chapters. I know that I've done this on several.
Comment from patmedium
Her ancestors had definite influences from Arabs and Ottoman's.[doesn't read right. Definately no apostrophe in Ottoman ... shouldn't even have an s ... How about 'Her Arab and Ottoman ancestors were definate {or strong} influences']
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
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Her ancestors had definite influences from Arabs and Ottoman's.[doesn't read right. Definately no apostrophe in Ottoman ... shouldn't even have an s ... How about 'Her Arab and Ottoman ancestors were definate {or strong} influences']
Comment Written 13-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
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Great point and I will circle back around and correct.
Comment from Pamela Daniell
I gave you a four because it didn't draw me in like part 1 did. Do let me know though when you post more, I would like to continue this story and see how it ends,
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2010
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I gave you a four because it didn't draw me in like part 1 did. Do let me know though when you post more, I would like to continue this story and see how it ends,
Comment Written 23-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2010
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Thanks - the 2nd chapter was really designed for background, who is Dax, where did he come from. It doesn't have the pop as chapter one. Hopefully, it gave enough background so that subsuquent chapters will make sense.
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I believe it will, keep me posted to when you post more chapters. I would like to read them.
Comment from debbier2461
Loving it so far Bill. You build your charecters so well. Really look forward to the next chapter, could have read more right now.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2010
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Loving it so far Bill. You build your charecters so well. Really look forward to the next chapter, could have read more right now.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2010
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Thanks for reading and for your kind words. I'm pretty close to chapter 3. Regards, Bill
Comment from RazberryBullet
Yeah, I like it!-- Advanced Strategic Protective Services. Somehow, the acronym ASPS seemed to fit. ;p
Liked this line: They became lovers, and after a while, learned to love. :)
suggestion: "What's so funny(,)big shot?"
I wondered where Dax got his name. Now I know.
Well done!
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2010
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Yeah, I like it!-- Advanced Strategic Protective Services. Somehow, the acronym ASPS seemed to fit. ;p
Liked this line: They became lovers, and after a while, learned to love. :)
suggestion: "What's so funny(,)big shot?"
I wondered where Dax got his name. Now I know.
Well done!
Comment Written 21-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2010
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RB - you do have the ability to make me smile. You certainly did this time. Thank you very much for your support. I'll circle back around and make that correction. Novels are totally new to me. Any words of wisdom? LOL Bill
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Words of wisdom? Sorry, I just like to write what I like to read :)
Cheers,
Raz
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That's actually pretty good feedback! Thanks, Bill
Comment from marcellawachtel
Well this promises to be full of excitement and adventure, with a background of the device of the contempt of the experienced agent to the newcomer. This is in retrospect, of course, but I wonder if it is part of a pattern. His memories of Rachel are still vivid. And I wonder what part Lael will play next chapter. Soon, please!
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2010
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Well this promises to be full of excitement and adventure, with a background of the device of the contempt of the experienced agent to the newcomer. This is in retrospect, of course, but I wonder if it is part of a pattern. His memories of Rachel are still vivid. And I wonder what part Lael will play next chapter. Soon, please!
Comment Written 21-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2010
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Thanks for reading and for your kind comments. Lael will definitely play out in the next chapter - her mom too!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I guess this is the second chapter and your first was part of a strong character contest. Wow!!! This is very strong writing and I enjoyed reading. I am anxious to see where you go with it.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2010
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I guess this is the second chapter and your first was part of a strong character contest. Wow!!! This is very strong writing and I enjoyed reading. I am anxious to see where you go with it.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2010
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Thanks Barbara - this will be brand new for me. I'm already seeing how it is more difficult to write a novel than to just write a story. I've done a rough outline of the whole book, roughed out characters, and in the process of detailed outlines for the next three chapters. Any words of wisdom? Thanks, Bill
Comment from Sally Carter
Hi Bill, and well done for progress in turning your original chapter into a book. I remember reading the original tale, and very good it was!
I think this has loads of potential, and Dax is a fascinating character with loads of background.
I feel slightly uncomfortable offering my views when I have never tried writing a book, but I guess I can offer a reader's perspective!
I did find this account a little "dense" in terms of information. Quite a lot of fairly detailed background to take in about our hero. I don't know how it would be done differently (which is where my review falters!), but if this detail could be introduced in slightly smaller chunks, it might be easier for the reader to absorb.
"Dax had to smile, knowing that his training counterpart would be working with Jeremy Dent, and would be realizing hell of his own. "What's so funny big shot?" - I think this would be slightly clearer if you add something to suggest Rachael is interrupting him at this point.
I do hope this is helpful Bill. I'm guessing this background-setting chapter may be one of the most difficult to write, but shall definitely be keeping track of subsequent ones.
Best wishes. Sally
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reply by the author on 20-Aug-2010
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Hi Bill, and well done for progress in turning your original chapter into a book. I remember reading the original tale, and very good it was!
I think this has loads of potential, and Dax is a fascinating character with loads of background.
I feel slightly uncomfortable offering my views when I have never tried writing a book, but I guess I can offer a reader's perspective!
I did find this account a little "dense" in terms of information. Quite a lot of fairly detailed background to take in about our hero. I don't know how it would be done differently (which is where my review falters!), but if this detail could be introduced in slightly smaller chunks, it might be easier for the reader to absorb.
"Dax had to smile, knowing that his training counterpart would be working with Jeremy Dent, and would be realizing hell of his own. "What's so funny big shot?" - I think this would be slightly clearer if you add something to suggest Rachael is interrupting him at this point.
I do hope this is helpful Bill. I'm guessing this background-setting chapter may be one of the most difficult to write, but shall definitely be keeping track of subsequent ones.
Best wishes. Sally
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2010
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Hi Sally - this is a very difficult chapter, because I have to move from a story to a novel. I really played with the idea of interspersing more of Dax's background into subsequent chapters, but made a personal decision to do the way I did. When I first wrote the first story, it was to fit a format. My attempt was to further explain who the character was and why he was there, so I could flesh out more character in following chapters. Sorry it didn't work for you.
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I quite understand! As I say, I shall be following subsequent chapters with interest Bill. S :~)
Comment from FredCollingwood
I think you have another great chapter going, Bill. For the time being, I'm not doing detailed line-by-line edits. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2010
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I think you have another great chapter going, Bill. For the time being, I'm not doing detailed line-by-line edits. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2010
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Thanks for reading Fred - I'm going to press ahead living up to my motto: ignorance can't stop me.
