Riding The Flights
All he wanted was a quiet game of darts26 total reviews
Comment from angelawhitelaw
That was one of the best items I've read and reviewed today and I think I'm up to about 100. Very nice pace and transitioning between scenes, especially the flashbacks. Most writers struggle with them. Yours are neat and smooth. Great work. One issue, you have a place where it says "you" and I think you meant "your", when he and Stanley first start talking. Great work.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2010
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That was one of the best items I've read and reviewed today and I think I'm up to about 100. Very nice pace and transitioning between scenes, especially the flashbacks. Most writers struggle with them. Yours are neat and smooth. Great work. One issue, you have a place where it says "you" and I think you meant "your", when he and Stanley first start talking. Great work.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2010
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Thanks angela. Wow, 200 proof reads, 2 dozen reviews and there's still a spag - and I can't thank you enough for finding it. And I'm very pleased that you enjoyed it. Thanks again for the comments, MM.
Comment from Earthwriter
i wonder if this guy was related to a guy I knew in highschool his name was Nick flintoff the bully excellent write my friend i enjoyed it
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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i wonder if this guy was related to a guy I knew in highschool his name was Nick flintoff the bully excellent write my friend i enjoyed it
Comment Written 04-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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Thanks, Earthwriter. Eric's no bully so I hope not. Cheers, MM.
Comment from LadyCosgrove
I thoroughly enjoyed this tale. It totally gripped me at the off and carried me firmly to the end.
Some very nice humour inserts and great dialogue.
I used to play summer league in Sussex UK and I totally got the term 'Riding the Flights' it is brilliant!
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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I thoroughly enjoyed this tale. It totally gripped me at the off and carried me firmly to the end.
Some very nice humour inserts and great dialogue.
I used to play summer league in Sussex UK and I totally got the term 'Riding the Flights' it is brilliant!
Comment Written 04-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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Thanks, LadyCosgrove. Glad you enjoyed it. MM.
Comment from BPL76
"Jesus, Eric, watch out.( , ) Who's this?"-
you need a comma here
The dialog is good
Just a few comma and period errors
With a quick read through it will be fixed
Overall a good read
Good Job
BPL
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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"Jesus, Eric, watch out.( , ) Who's this?"-
you need a comma here
The dialog is good
Just a few comma and period errors
With a quick read through it will be fixed
Overall a good read
Good Job
BPL
Comment Written 04-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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Thanks, BPL. I don't think a comma's required thereas Stanley is making a statement by telling Eric to watch out and then separately asks a question. Plus you didn't list any other comma or period errors so I was a bit disappointed with the rating. MM.
Comment from writer c
This is such a descriptive piece of work. The development of characters, each very unique, is excellent. The story flows nicely. The elements of setting, conflict and resolution are nicely delineated in your piece. I surely see why it has reach Recognized status.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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This is such a descriptive piece of work. The development of characters, each very unique, is excellent. The story flows nicely. The elements of setting, conflict and resolution are nicely delineated in your piece. I surely see why it has reach Recognized status.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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Thanks for your comments, writer c. Glad you liked it. MM.
Comment from Ponder
Hi Mortman,
I worked in a pub for years and saw some pretty heated darts matches over the years. I found your story believable, realistic and engaging. the writing style is good and carries the story on to the finish.
the only suggestion I have is to make the ending a little less abrubt. You have been gereous in your descriptions and in building up the story you could easily afford to add a little more tension to the ending.
I didn't spot any errors here.
Jules
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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Hi Mortman,
I worked in a pub for years and saw some pretty heated darts matches over the years. I found your story believable, realistic and engaging. the writing style is good and carries the story on to the finish.
the only suggestion I have is to make the ending a little less abrubt. You have been gereous in your descriptions and in building up the story you could easily afford to add a little more tension to the ending.
I didn't spot any errors here.
Jules
Comment Written 04-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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Thanks, Jules. Very good food for thought. I'll have to think about how to do that. Cheers, MM.
Comment from Rama Rao
The story, although interesting was unnecessarily long. All those descriptions of the bar, toilets, smells and the darts could have been avoided. It's true the author must resist the urge to explain, but at the same time he should not leave many things unexplained. There was a disconnect between Red, Eric and Ben. There was no tension in the air when Eric found Red. Red happened to be a woman. I had been to some pubs in England and watched the game of darts and skittles for high stakes, but I didn't find the tension in this story.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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The story, although interesting was unnecessarily long. All those descriptions of the bar, toilets, smells and the darts could have been avoided. It's true the author must resist the urge to explain, but at the same time he should not leave many things unexplained. There was a disconnect between Red, Eric and Ben. There was no tension in the air when Eric found Red. Red happened to be a woman. I had been to some pubs in England and watched the game of darts and skittles for high stakes, but I didn't find the tension in this story.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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Thanks for the review, Ramarao. I was expecting that some people would be disappointed in Red being a woman and therefore no big showdown, but that's just the way I found the story taking me. And Red never knew Ben so there is no connection to be made. The connections are between Eric and Red and Eric and Stanley. Sorry you didn't like it. Cheers, MM.
Comment from animatqua
Good character development here. The action writing was well done, too. Everything pulled together and drew me on. The mystery introduced from the beginning was a big factor there.
That said, I have to add the ending was rushed. There were a number of hints concerning Red, but Stanley's involvement in the matter was not explained clearly enough. His reason for becoming involve was very well done; it just did not come to a satisfactory conclusion for me.
I'm certain this is one of those `skull cinema' things, as a friend of mine calls them. You see the picture quite clearly, but you haven't shown it to me.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Good character development here. The action writing was well done, too. Everything pulled together and drew me on. The mystery introduced from the beginning was a big factor there.
That said, I have to add the ending was rushed. There were a number of hints concerning Red, but Stanley's involvement in the matter was not explained clearly enough. His reason for becoming involve was very well done; it just did not come to a satisfactory conclusion for me.
I'm certain this is one of those `skull cinema' things, as a friend of mine calls them. You see the picture quite clearly, but you haven't shown it to me.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Thanks for the comments, animatqua. One of the hardest things is to know how much to say and how much you leave for the reader's imagination. Just so you know my intentions, Stanley was the instigator. He knew Red--hence Eric's line "You lied to me, Stanley." It was his way of trying to get Eric back on track. I reckon a good story should leave people thinking. MM.
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I caught what you're saying here. I just can't get a hold of who Red is, how Stanley connects to her. Obviously Stanley knows Eric well enough to understand a woman like Red will pull him out of his state. The rest is still a little murky.
Comment from RazberryBullet
Got some chuckles here: "If you're just going to stand there like a stuffed haddock, I'll get back to my real work," said Allan,.;p..How about first I go to the bar and get us all a beer?" Eric suggested. His flight plan had been mapped out. "Let me get the beers," offered Stanley. Eric tried to imagine what Stanley would look like with a dart between the eyes. LOL!!!
suggestion: "Not one of your better throws, Flintoff(,)" said Red,
Lovely twist in the end :) Well done!
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Got some chuckles here: "If you're just going to stand there like a stuffed haddock, I'll get back to my real work," said Allan,.;p..How about first I go to the bar and get us all a beer?" Eric suggested. His flight plan had been mapped out. "Let me get the beers," offered Stanley. Eric tried to imagine what Stanley would look like with a dart between the eyes. LOL!!!
suggestion: "Not one of your better throws, Flintoff(,)" said Red,
Lovely twist in the end :) Well done!
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Thanks for the comments--much appreciated. And wow, I still missed a comma after all the re-reads etc. Anyway, glad you enjoyed it. Cheers, MM.
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi mortman,
You wouldn't think a story about throwing darts could be so exciting but this one was! You have excellent characters and developed them well. At first I thought Red was a man but as I read I thought Red was more interesting as a woman. Good story and very believable.....chey
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Hi mortman,
You wouldn't think a story about throwing darts could be so exciting but this one was! You have excellent characters and developed them well. At first I thought Red was a man but as I read I thought Red was more interesting as a woman. Good story and very believable.....chey
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Thanks, Chey. I was really glad to read your comments about Red. I went through about a dozen different versions of this story until finally settling on this one, and most readers seem to like the surprise. Thanks again, MM.
