Redemption
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Child of God"One Man's Return From Hell
53 total reviews
Comment from Rama Rao
Am excellent story with plenty of action and well written. It had me riveted right until the last word.
Your description of the fight was very realistic and gave me a ringside view of the bout.
However, I had two doubts. He felt the fool. What does this mean?
He could walk to the left or right-here the concept was not clear.
reply by the author on 19-May-2010
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Am excellent story with plenty of action and well written. It had me riveted right until the last word.
Your description of the fight was very realistic and gave me a ringside view of the bout.
However, I had two doubts. He felt the fool. What does this mean?
He could walk to the left or right-here the concept was not clear.
Comment Written 19-May-2010
reply by the author on 19-May-2010
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Hi - thanks for reading. He felt the fool because he was walking awkwardly, cross tie to cross tie. I don't know if you've ever walked the tracks, but it is an awkward gait. He could walk to the right - too the light and maybe new hope. He could walk to the left away from hope. The point that I tried to make was that he didn't care.
Comment from c_lucas
A very well written story with plenty of action and a very good twist at the end. It has very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.
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reply by the author on 19-May-2010
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A very well written story with plenty of action and a very good twist at the end. It has very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-May-2010
reply by the author on 19-May-2010
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Thanks Charlie - I always value your input!
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You're welcome, Bill. Charlie
Comment from flutterby
You have a compelling story.
There are a couple of areas where you may decide to make sometweaks:
Paragraph 3 - the tenses of your pronouns do not follow
through
The entry of the 60 year old Jake is confusing. Especially as later he is described as looking like Donny's brother, identified as 20-30's.
Or, I may have missed something.
I believe the story is captivating, has action, a plot, and a salvific element. Basically the girl saves Dax from the depths of despair.
Thanks for sharing.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-May-2010
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You have a compelling story.
There are a couple of areas where you may decide to make sometweaks:
Paragraph 3 - the tenses of your pronouns do not follow
through
The entry of the 60 year old Jake is confusing. Especially as later he is described as looking like Donny's brother, identified as 20-30's.
Or, I may have missed something.
I believe the story is captivating, has action, a plot, and a salvific element. Basically the girl saves Dax from the depths of despair.
Thanks for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-May-2010
reply by the author on 19-May-2010
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Hi - thanks for reading. I'm very glad you picked up on 60 year old Jake - obviously an error. It is Dax who is 60. I've corrected, so appreciate you catching that! Regards, Bill
