Redemption
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Child of God"One Man's Return From Hell
53 total reviews
Comment from Leigh Ann
Excellent. You've ran out of 6 stars for the week or I'd give you that. Good character, plot, conflict. All the ingredients for a series about the strong character. Perhaps you'll think about expanding this to a book, maybe its time for a real super hero. Good luck in the contest. If you haven't had a chance please review my entry. I'd love your feed back. Leigh Ann
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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Excellent. You've ran out of 6 stars for the week or I'd give you that. Good character, plot, conflict. All the ingredients for a series about the strong character. Perhaps you'll think about expanding this to a book, maybe its time for a real super hero. Good luck in the contest. If you haven't had a chance please review my entry. I'd love your feed back. Leigh Ann
Comment Written 22-May-2010
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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Leigh Ann - virtual 6's are fine! I'm glad that you read and enjoyed. I will definitely check your entry. I've seen several and there are some good stories out there.
Comment from jwlee211
I like your story. A very touching ending. You describe action well and create dialogue well. I like your character description. Great work
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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I like your story. A very touching ending. You describe action well and create dialogue well. I like your character description. Great work
Comment Written 22-May-2010
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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Thanks for your kind words!
Comment from Abio
Bhogg,
It is not easy to master the writing discipline as you have done, to set up the initial scene with al great narrative, almost a poem, to the jump to the action, bringing to us the classical image of the traditional hero, that can be Superman, the 007 or in this case the good old Dax.
Title well chosen and final ending right at the level of rxpectation of such a story like this one.
Congrats.
Abio
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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Bhogg,
It is not easy to master the writing discipline as you have done, to set up the initial scene with al great narrative, almost a poem, to the jump to the action, bringing to us the classical image of the traditional hero, that can be Superman, the 007 or in this case the good old Dax.
Title well chosen and final ending right at the level of rxpectation of such a story like this one.
Congrats.
Abio
Comment Written 21-May-2010
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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Thanks Abio - I appreciate the compliment!
Comment from tati
Thank you for sharing this sad, but touching story, bhogg. Clever choice of title, it caught my interest right away. This is truly well written, with plenty of action. What I love most, different from my story (The Perfume), the contest link to the picture is very strong. Great imagery bhogg, the first paragraph is my favorite:
... It was the time of day when the horizon created a split in the sky; the bottom reflective of the sun, in umber tones of orange and reddish brown. The sky above was near ending its day, darkness creeping in. Dax didn't see beauty. He hadn't seen beauty in a long, long time.
And your words flow so smoothly. I wish you the best of luck in the contest. Warmest wishes,
tati, May 22, 2010
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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Thank you for sharing this sad, but touching story, bhogg. Clever choice of title, it caught my interest right away. This is truly well written, with plenty of action. What I love most, different from my story (The Perfume), the contest link to the picture is very strong. Great imagery bhogg, the first paragraph is my favorite:
... It was the time of day when the horizon created a split in the sky; the bottom reflective of the sun, in umber tones of orange and reddish brown. The sky above was near ending its day, darkness creeping in. Dax didn't see beauty. He hadn't seen beauty in a long, long time.
And your words flow so smoothly. I wish you the best of luck in the contest. Warmest wishes,
tati, May 22, 2010
Comment Written 21-May-2010
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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Hi tati - thank you for your kind and generous review!
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You're most welcome. It's my pleasure to read and review your fabulous writing.
tati
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Hi tati - I hope you are able to read my most recent post, Melancholy Musings. Bill
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I wil read it, Bill, asap. Right now, I'm still working on the translation of Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights into Indonesian. And it's truly not an easy thing to do. Regards,
tati
Comment from adewpearl
Shut up, bitch - add comma for direct address
hurts worse then anything else - than
They were just laying there- lying
Yea, or something - Yeah
Love the ending when the girl he saves has the same name as his daughter, whom he was not there to save.
You have an engaging narrative style - you progress into the action scenes at a good pace, giving the reader time to get to know and like the old guy before he reveals his fighting prowess. Brooke
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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Shut up, bitch - add comma for direct address
hurts worse then anything else - than
They were just laying there- lying
Yea, or something - Yeah
Love the ending when the girl he saves has the same name as his daughter, whom he was not there to save.
You have an engaging narrative style - you progress into the action scenes at a good pace, giving the reader time to get to know and like the old guy before he reveals his fighting prowess. Brooke
Comment Written 21-May-2010
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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Brooke - thanks for reading and for spotting the errors! I will correct them. Regards, Bill
Comment from Jean Lutz
Powerful writing that covers so much. You really brought out the "Rediscovery and Awakening". A beautiful story of one who was feeling "finished" only to discover life time experience could be put to good use. Excellent entry and I wish you the best.
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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Powerful writing that covers so much. You really brought out the "Rediscovery and Awakening". A beautiful story of one who was feeling "finished" only to discover life time experience could be put to good use. Excellent entry and I wish you the best.
Comment Written 21-May-2010
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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Thanks Jean - I'm glad that you read and enjoyed. Bill
Comment from wierdgrace
this is truly a great story on a strong character, they stand out, the story grabs your attentions so you could read it from the start to end, no errors and no revisions, I will watch for your story in the voting booth.
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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this is truly a great story on a strong character, they stand out, the story grabs your attentions so you could read it from the start to end, no errors and no revisions, I will watch for your story in the voting booth.
Comment Written 21-May-2010
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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Thank you for your great review! I hope you get a chance to looks at some of my portfolio. This was a real departure for me. Most of what I write is non-fiction. Regards, Bill
Comment from CKLA
This is a very good story. Dax is a wonderful character. He sure took care of those two brutes. Best of luck in the contest.
Collette
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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This is a very good story. Dax is a wonderful character. He sure took care of those two brutes. Best of luck in the contest.
Collette
Comment Written 21-May-2010
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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Thanks Collette - I appreciate your kind words! Bill
Comment from Sally Carter
A powerful story, written in a very compelling, fast moving style. Can't say I much enjoyed the details of Dax's treatment of the two men, but I'm just a wimp. Clearly they got their just desserts. I also found him a most interesting character. It's always satisfying when someone can spring such a surprise.
"It was getting cold, and this could possibly be a place to get out of the cold and .." I might change the first "cold" to avoid repetition. Something like "chilly".
He could see a beat up and muddy, old pick-up truck- better as "a beat up, muddy old pick-up truck"?
As Dax looked at her, the eyes told the story. Her eyes were wide. - rather close repetiition of "eyes"?
These were not the hands of a computer specialist. - loved that line!
behind Jakes back. - Jake's
hit Jakes crotch -ditto Jake's
he pushed Jakes fingers -ditto
a striking, young woman -no comma needed?
Small nits, which did not really detract from the strength of the story. Good luck in the contest. This feels quite different from previous work of yours I have read!
Best wishes. Sally
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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A powerful story, written in a very compelling, fast moving style. Can't say I much enjoyed the details of Dax's treatment of the two men, but I'm just a wimp. Clearly they got their just desserts. I also found him a most interesting character. It's always satisfying when someone can spring such a surprise.
"It was getting cold, and this could possibly be a place to get out of the cold and .." I might change the first "cold" to avoid repetition. Something like "chilly".
He could see a beat up and muddy, old pick-up truck- better as "a beat up, muddy old pick-up truck"?
As Dax looked at her, the eyes told the story. Her eyes were wide. - rather close repetiition of "eyes"?
These were not the hands of a computer specialist. - loved that line!
behind Jakes back. - Jake's
hit Jakes crotch -ditto Jake's
he pushed Jakes fingers -ditto
a striking, young woman -no comma needed?
Small nits, which did not really detract from the strength of the story. Good luck in the contest. This feels quite different from previous work of yours I have read!
Best wishes. Sally
Comment Written 21-May-2010
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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Hi Sally - thanks for reading and thanks for the excellent editing help. I'll definitely make the changes. It is a bit different for me because I've written purely non-fiction. One of the other members of FS encouraged me to get out of my comfort zone. Bill
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
A very interesting and strong character.
A sixty year old man taking on two bullies of half his age.
I'd certainly be cheering him on.
The little twist at the end where the girl he rescued has the same name as his daughter is a very clever touch.
Good contest entry.
Juliette
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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A very interesting and strong character.
A sixty year old man taking on two bullies of half his age.
I'd certainly be cheering him on.
The little twist at the end where the girl he rescued has the same name as his daughter is a very clever touch.
Good contest entry.
Juliette
Comment Written 21-May-2010
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
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Thanks Juliette - I'm glad that you read and I appreciate your encouragement.
