Chronicles of the Wandering Man
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "The Treacherous Tree"An extended story in poem form
22 total reviews
Comment from krdeering
This one falters just a little, compared with the rest, thus my "four." As an independent piece for anybody else, however, it would probably be a five. See what high standards I hold you to!
Scansion wobble afflicts these lines:
But I would sacrifice all time
for ten minutes of creed.
and
She'd looked at me with silent eyes,
a mute testimony
But these lines blew my socks off:
"Thoughts flooded with a treacle sea,
but Fear - the bastard - floats."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2010
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This one falters just a little, compared with the rest, thus my "four." As an independent piece for anybody else, however, it would probably be a five. See what high standards I hold you to!
Scansion wobble afflicts these lines:
But I would sacrifice all time
for ten minutes of creed.
and
She'd looked at me with silent eyes,
a mute testimony
But these lines blew my socks off:
"Thoughts flooded with a treacle sea,
but Fear - the bastard - floats."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2010
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Thank you :-). This is the only chapter that's not an overall 6 rating, so clearly it does need a little work. I'll be going throug the whole story and trying to clean up nits, so this one's going to get a fair bit of attention.
I'm little nervous to know that I'm expected to produce high quality! lol, thanks agin.
Mike
Comment from shy1250
BTW, all of these r 6 stars; I just would like to reward someone else since from your portfolio, you can have no doubt of your excellence. "me and my foolish trust". This line resonates; I spent several years homeless and was betrayed incessantly for the first 6 months, till I grew a shell. Again, story compelling, word usage second to none, I cannot envision anyone capable of doing what you have done better. Later and God bless, shy
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2010
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BTW, all of these r 6 stars; I just would like to reward someone else since from your portfolio, you can have no doubt of your excellence. "me and my foolish trust". This line resonates; I spent several years homeless and was betrayed incessantly for the first 6 months, till I grew a shell. Again, story compelling, word usage second to none, I cannot envision anyone capable of doing what you have done better. Later and God bless, shy
Comment Written 08-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2010
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Thank you, once again. I can only imagine the bleak existence of homelessness, and I'm honoured that I have managed to strike a chord. Sixes are always thrilling, but it's the comments that really drive us on :-)
Mike
Comment from findingmyroom
Yes, I am enjoying your tale. I like that the Wandering Man is nameless, since the whole of everything has almost been erased. Your rhymes are mature but not self-serving, and I like that you have broken things up in segments (chapters?)
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Yes, I am enjoying your tale. I like that the Wandering Man is nameless, since the whole of everything has almost been erased. Your rhymes are mature but not self-serving, and I like that you have broken things up in segments (chapters?)
Comment Written 06-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Thank you :-). I was going for western / post apocalyptic / fantasy mystery / adventure ... Something cobbled together from those anyway! I'm enjoying writing in the chapters, at gives this structure and me something to guide me.
Mike
Comment from knowledge
Excellent poetry. I have never tried to write a continuous poem as a novel. I admire your talent here.
Thank You My Friend,
Knowledge
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
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Excellent poetry. I have never tried to write a continuous poem as a novel. I admire your talent here.
Thank You My Friend,
Knowledge
Comment Written 02-May-2010
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
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It is proving a taxing but very much worthwhile undertaking, and certanly something a little different for me.
Mike
Comment from Oatmeal
Fleedleflump,
This tale is well written. The story line flows wonderfully. The conversations work well. The characters are lifelike.
Well done!
I saw no SPAG and no typos. It was very clean.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Fleedleflump,
This tale is well written. The story line flows wonderfully. The conversations work well. The characters are lifelike.
Well done!
I saw no SPAG and no typos. It was very clean.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
Comment Written 01-May-2010
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Thank you, Oatmeal. I'm so glad you enjoyed this third chapter :-)
Mike
Comment from yellowrosebud
This another great poem of the wandering man I especially loved how you describe each feeling with such exactness that you feel what the wandering man is feeling.Keep it coming! Always "Rosebud"
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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This another great poem of the wandering man I especially loved how you describe each feeling with such exactness that you feel what the wandering man is feeling.Keep it coming! Always "Rosebud"
Comment Written 01-May-2010
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Thank you, Rosebud :-). I'm really enjoying this series, although this chapter gave me more trouble than the others have.
Mike
Comment from patmedium
Now, I always thought it was pronounced 'dee-mean'!
THIS is yet another wonderful write, friend... I really do like reading this one... it is so individual!
Congratulations. Pat.
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Now, I always thought it was pronounced 'dee-mean'!
THIS is yet another wonderful write, friend... I really do like reading this one... it is so individual!
Congratulations. Pat.
Comment Written 01-May-2010
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Thank you, Pat :-). I have to admit, I wasn't certain how it was pronounced but I thought of that line and looked it up, only to be stunned that it's pronounced perfectly to fit in!
Mike
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This wandering man is WONDERFUL... you clever feller! xxx
Comment from Lydia LaMent
Thanks for the clarification of Demesne, I was a little loss there for a moment, lol!
Another great episode of the Wandering man, I love the female presence :)
I noticed an initial strong, melodic tone and solid rhyme that is broken in section IX. I felt quite unsettled and uncomfortable in that section after having become accustomed to the tone and pace of the previous episodes. I find it a very successful way to make the reader identify with the Wandering Man's feelings at the time, very well done!
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Thanks for the clarification of Demesne, I was a little loss there for a moment, lol!
Another great episode of the Wandering man, I love the female presence :)
I noticed an initial strong, melodic tone and solid rhyme that is broken in section IX. I felt quite unsettled and uncomfortable in that section after having become accustomed to the tone and pace of the previous episodes. I find it a very successful way to make the reader identify with the Wandering Man's feelings at the time, very well done!
Comment Written 01-May-2010
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Thank you, Lydia. It was always going to be a change of flow, including dialogue, but I went with it in the end because it just felt right. I'm glad the poem still worked well for you. This chapter gave me a lot of trouble, but I'm really enjoying writing about the wandering man!
Mike
Comment from kintesiegel
Oh good, I thought, its fleedlefrump, who has got to be one of my all time favorites. you combine imagination, technique, and humor. Boy are you good at action writing too.
what happened to the end rhyme? it was going along and then whoops
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Oh good, I thought, its fleedlefrump, who has got to be one of my all time favorites. you combine imagination, technique, and humor. Boy are you good at action writing too.
what happened to the end rhyme? it was going along and then whoops
Comment Written 30-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Thank you :-). I do so love writing action, and it's something not many try to do, especially in poetry. Which end rhyme do you mean? I thought I'd caught them all in this one.
Mike
Comment from sgalletti
Hi Mike! This is the first adventure I have digested, so I will go back and read what came previously. Really enjoy the dark story. I LOVED the meter and rhyme with the exception of two lines which I humbly offer you consider editing a little bit:
"for ten minutes of creed"--add a one syllable adjective in front of creed and the beat will be spot on!
"a mute testimony" (da-Dum, da-Dum, da-DUM, da-DUM missing in this line.
Hugs, Sue
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Hi Mike! This is the first adventure I have digested, so I will go back and read what came previously. Really enjoy the dark story. I LOVED the meter and rhyme with the exception of two lines which I humbly offer you consider editing a little bit:
"for ten minutes of creed"--add a one syllable adjective in front of creed and the beat will be spot on!
"a mute testimony" (da-Dum, da-Dum, da-DUM, da-DUM missing in this line.
Hugs, Sue
Comment Written 30-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Thank you, Sue :-). Yes, a couple of others have picked out the Testimony/Company couplet. I shall have to revisit that one. I tend to write on gut instinct and then, if I'm trying for a technically correct meter, go through and tweak it afterwards. This is the first one where I tried to stick to the 8/6/8/6 syllable with iambic meter faithfully (I was a little looser in the other chapters! lol). Anyway, I shall be making some tiny tweaks. THanks again :-)
Mike
