Writings From the Heart
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Riding to forget,"A book of Poetry & Writing
121 total reviews
Comment from Carolyn Hilliard
A city girl at heart doesn't adjust to country life. Country girls not only know how to do what a cowboy does, they know what it takes; they also know how to entertain and take care of themselves when necessary. I have a city dog - he likes sidewalks and cut grass. I take him to a park where he can run and he sits on the sidewalk and stares at me with an 'are you crazy' look. That's a city girl on a ranch. ENJOYED VERY MUCH.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2010
  |
A city girl at heart doesn't adjust to country life. Country girls not only know how to do what a cowboy does, they know what it takes; they also know how to entertain and take care of themselves when necessary. I have a city dog - he likes sidewalks and cut grass. I take him to a park where he can run and he sits on the sidewalk and stares at me with an 'are you crazy' look. That's a city girl on a ranch. ENJOYED VERY MUCH.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2010
-
thank you
Comment from louparis
Dear Deepwater,
You hit the nail on the head for many a simple land worker.
Most women, but not all, share the same feelings for the land north of the prairies, and never fail to break an old cowpoke's heart. Good work - nostalgia for me.
Lou Paris
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2010
 |
Dear Deepwater,
You hit the nail on the head for many a simple land worker.
Most women, but not all, share the same feelings for the land north of the prairies, and never fail to break an old cowpoke's heart. Good work - nostalgia for me.
Lou Paris
Comment Written 26-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2010
-
thank you Lou for your welcome comments and review Gary
Comment from flygirl254
"Issues lay before him," might sound better as, "Issues laid before him," so it matches the grammar of the rest of the sentence. In the third line, starting with the word, "Fences," there's a small puncutation error that should read, "that's" with an apostrophe. Also, in the seventh line, beginning with, "This cowboys heart," there would be an apostrophe to make, "cowboy's" as a possessive word. In the next line down, beginning with, "He feed's the steers," you would be able to actually drop that apostrophe to make, "feeds" not be possessive. In the twelth line, beginning with, "Lifes story," there would also be an apostrophe for, "Life's" to make that one possessive.
These small problems with punctuation and grammar are not enough, though, to take away from the really great meaning and wording in your poem. I liked it very much. The rustic descriptions of the cowboy's work day, particularly your mentioning of fences needing repair and dry wells, really show the reality of this cowboy's routine. It shows that it isn't all roping and riding, but there is also a lot of work that could be taken for granted that this man must do to keep his world, and his family's world, running smoothly. This is especially shown in the line, "Four o'clock next morning as he saddled up his mount," because I don't think there are too many of us who would be coherent at 4 a.m., let alone already have chores done so we can get saddled up and move out.
I find the hardship of the poetic story, the marriage in jeopardy, is very compelling. I continued reading on, wanting to know more. I wanted to know why she would want to leave this hard-working man. Did he cheat? Did he neglect her? What was it that made her give up her vows? You begin to answer with, "Some stay around forever, and some leave that very next day." Then to show us that it was that her man brought her out there, into his world and his hard life. To me, that's very sad for him.
I really do like this poem. I had never really thought about a western genre for poetry. While I might before have thought I wouldn't care for it, your work is really good and makes me want to know what else has happened. That's the mark of good writing; that your reader has got to know more.
Great work! I look forward to seeing some more.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2010
|
"Issues lay before him," might sound better as, "Issues laid before him," so it matches the grammar of the rest of the sentence. In the third line, starting with the word, "Fences," there's a small puncutation error that should read, "that's" with an apostrophe. Also, in the seventh line, beginning with, "This cowboys heart," there would be an apostrophe to make, "cowboy's" as a possessive word. In the next line down, beginning with, "He feed's the steers," you would be able to actually drop that apostrophe to make, "feeds" not be possessive. In the twelth line, beginning with, "Lifes story," there would also be an apostrophe for, "Life's" to make that one possessive.
These small problems with punctuation and grammar are not enough, though, to take away from the really great meaning and wording in your poem. I liked it very much. The rustic descriptions of the cowboy's work day, particularly your mentioning of fences needing repair and dry wells, really show the reality of this cowboy's routine. It shows that it isn't all roping and riding, but there is also a lot of work that could be taken for granted that this man must do to keep his world, and his family's world, running smoothly. This is especially shown in the line, "Four o'clock next morning as he saddled up his mount," because I don't think there are too many of us who would be coherent at 4 a.m., let alone already have chores done so we can get saddled up and move out.
I find the hardship of the poetic story, the marriage in jeopardy, is very compelling. I continued reading on, wanting to know more. I wanted to know why she would want to leave this hard-working man. Did he cheat? Did he neglect her? What was it that made her give up her vows? You begin to answer with, "Some stay around forever, and some leave that very next day." Then to show us that it was that her man brought her out there, into his world and his hard life. To me, that's very sad for him.
I really do like this poem. I had never really thought about a western genre for poetry. While I might before have thought I wouldn't care for it, your work is really good and makes me want to know what else has happened. That's the mark of good writing; that your reader has got to know more.
Great work! I look forward to seeing some more.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2010
-
thank you flygirl
Comment from marcellawachtel
The image of this cowboy, doing what needs to be done, in spite of the knowledge that his life has just gone down the tubes, is very well done. He systematically goes about doing all his chores, his thoughts on the cattle, on some philosophical concept, but always returning to wonder if he could have done something different to hold her. You mix up present and past tenses here. I think you should organize it better.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2010
 |
The image of this cowboy, doing what needs to be done, in spite of the knowledge that his life has just gone down the tubes, is very well done. He systematically goes about doing all his chores, his thoughts on the cattle, on some philosophical concept, but always returning to wonder if he could have done something different to hold her. You mix up present and past tenses here. I think you should organize it better.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2010
-
thank you
Comment from EllieKaye
Hi Deepwater,
This is a nice poem, and I definitely enjoyed the story in the lines. I liked the cadence and the beat of it. Tere are a few spots where the apostrophes are inappropriate. I've pointed the out:
This cowboys heart was broken as he rides out in the storm,
He feed[no apostophe]s the steers by daybreak (plural so no apostrophe needed)
Life[']s story is unfolding (life's is possessive here, not plural.)
People are like critters, just come and go each day,
Some stay around forever, and some leave that very next day,
{my favorite line}
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2010
|
Hi Deepwater,
This is a nice poem, and I definitely enjoyed the story in the lines. I liked the cadence and the beat of it. Tere are a few spots where the apostrophes are inappropriate. I've pointed the out:
This cowboys heart was broken as he rides out in the storm,
He feed[no apostophe]s the steers by daybreak (plural so no apostrophe needed)
Life[']s story is unfolding (life's is possessive here, not plural.)
People are like critters, just come and go each day,
Some stay around forever, and some leave that very next day,
{my favorite line}
Comment Written 25-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2010
-
thank you
Comment from Brisnandon
I just have to say I loved this one, deepwater. The images of the cowboy, his thoughts, and feelings come through immaculately in this verse. If you wish to follow English grammatical conventions strictly, I would say add another comma after steers in line 15. Otherwise I wouldn't change a thing.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2010
|
I just have to say I loved this one, deepwater. The images of the cowboy, his thoughts, and feelings come through immaculately in this verse. If you wish to follow English grammatical conventions strictly, I would say add another comma after steers in line 15. Otherwise I wouldn't change a thing.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2010
-
thank you for your welcome comments and review Brisnandon Gary
Comment from idnami
That is really good. It illustrates the simple, stoic approach to heartbreak one would expect a cowboy to have. I feel sorry for his wife, and for him.
If I can suggest it, I think the line,
The status of his marriage was so very much in doubt,
would benefit from dropping the "so." I know that sounds like nitpicking but that one little word, while trying to emphasize, seems to diminish the importance of this statement. And the meter doesn't requite the extra syllable anyway.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2010
|
That is really good. It illustrates the simple, stoic approach to heartbreak one would expect a cowboy to have. I feel sorry for his wife, and for him.
If I can suggest it, I think the line,
The status of his marriage was so very much in doubt,
would benefit from dropping the "so." I know that sounds like nitpicking but that one little word, while trying to emphasize, seems to diminish the importance of this statement. And the meter doesn't requite the extra syllable anyway.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2010
-
thank you for the review and comment idnami
Comment from Nanette Mary
Hullo Deepwater ...
What you have to say in this writing tells a moving story. I enjoyed reading it and have given you 4 stars, trusting that you will consider the changes recommended ...
* You have started writing this in the present tense, then change to past tense and back to present tense again.
* You have - Issues lay before him are roping and cutting steers ... I suggest - Issues that lie before him are ...
* Where you have cowboy, I suggest Cowboy. After all, he is the star of this writing and it is by this NAME that you are referring to him.
* You have - four o'clock next morning as he saddled up his mount, the status of his marriage was so very much in doubt. I suggest - four o'clock next morning, as he saddles up his mount, the status of his marriage is so very much in doubt.
* You have - This cowboy's heart was broken as he rides out in the storm. I suggest - This Cowboy's heart is broken as he rides out in the storm. .....
* You have - Only stopping to repair the sections that was down ... this should be - Only stopping to repair the sections that are down ....
* You have - Lifes story is unfolding ... this should be -
Life's story is unfolding ....
* You have - and some leave that very next day ... I suggest - and some leave the very next day ....
* You have - She never would forgive him for bringing her out there. I suggest - She never will forgive him for bringing her out here.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
With love from ... Nanette Mary.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2010
|
Hullo Deepwater ...
What you have to say in this writing tells a moving story. I enjoyed reading it and have given you 4 stars, trusting that you will consider the changes recommended ...
* You have started writing this in the present tense, then change to past tense and back to present tense again.
* You have - Issues lay before him are roping and cutting steers ... I suggest - Issues that lie before him are ...
* Where you have cowboy, I suggest Cowboy. After all, he is the star of this writing and it is by this NAME that you are referring to him.
* You have - four o'clock next morning as he saddled up his mount, the status of his marriage was so very much in doubt. I suggest - four o'clock next morning, as he saddles up his mount, the status of his marriage is so very much in doubt.
* You have - This cowboy's heart was broken as he rides out in the storm. I suggest - This Cowboy's heart is broken as he rides out in the storm. .....
* You have - Only stopping to repair the sections that was down ... this should be - Only stopping to repair the sections that are down ....
* You have - Lifes story is unfolding ... this should be -
Life's story is unfolding ....
* You have - and some leave that very next day ... I suggest - and some leave the very next day ....
* You have - She never would forgive him for bringing her out there. I suggest - She never will forgive him for bringing her out here.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
With love from ... Nanette Mary.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2010
-
thanks for the comments Mary
Comment from ulster3
Hello deepwater.
This is a fine story in a poem, and I found it to be interesting reading. If I may point out a typo, I believe you meant (were) for this (was) ... for "sections that were down". Excellent poem.
Fondly, rebecca
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2010
|
Hello deepwater.
This is a fine story in a poem, and I found it to be interesting reading. If I may point out a typo, I believe you meant (were) for this (was) ... for "sections that were down". Excellent poem.
Fondly, rebecca
Comment Written 25-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2010
-
thank you rebecca
Comment from AmorGentil
That cowboy was alone from the beginning, but he fails to notice, you cannot lost what you never had, but yes, you lost, what you believe was yours and it was not.
Cowboy need to look for a cowgirl, not for someone who is only interested in the superficial, who only loves, herself.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2010
|
That cowboy was alone from the beginning, but he fails to notice, you cannot lost what you never had, but yes, you lost, what you believe was yours and it was not.
Cowboy need to look for a cowgirl, not for someone who is only interested in the superficial, who only loves, herself.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2010
-
thanks for the review and comments Gentil
