Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "What happened to do-overs?"A book of a mixture of stories
33 total reviews
Comment from Cheryl1Richards
You paint a vivid imagery with well chosen detail. And you nailed the teenage angst. The struggle to be independent.
There was just one confusing scene where Michael, after having conversed with his dead Grandma, sees his Grandma: "The whites of my eyes must have looked like saucers as I spun around and around looking for Grandma. First, I saw Mom, wearing a new black suit. She was sitting on a chair, crying. Grandma was standing by her side."
I also liked the use of the picture board at the funeral home to paint the rich family memories.
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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You paint a vivid imagery with well chosen detail. And you nailed the teenage angst. The struggle to be independent.
There was just one confusing scene where Michael, after having conversed with his dead Grandma, sees his Grandma: "The whites of my eyes must have looked like saucers as I spun around and around looking for Grandma. First, I saw Mom, wearing a new black suit. She was sitting on a chair, crying. Grandma was standing by her side."
I also liked the use of the picture board at the funeral home to paint the rich family memories.
Comment Written 06-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Cheryl,
Thanks for the kind review and I apologize for taking so long to respond. I have been away from the site. Smiles, Carol
Comment from RobinWrites
I love the relationship dynamic between the father and son - I remember it will. Everything in this story was superb and it would have been a sin to delete anything. This is the type of story every teenager needs to read. Whether they take anything from it is another thing. We all thought we were untouchable at that age. This proves how wrong that is. Great job!
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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I love the relationship dynamic between the father and son - I remember it will. Everything in this story was superb and it would have been a sin to delete anything. This is the type of story every teenager needs to read. Whether they take anything from it is another thing. We all thought we were untouchable at that age. This proves how wrong that is. Great job!
Comment Written 27-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Robin,
I lost my teenage grandson because he thought he was capable of doing anything and surviving. He tried to swim across an abandon pond and didn't make it. My heart breaks every day. I wish every teenager would read this story and take heed, but wishing won't do it. Thanks...Carol
Comment from L.lora
Carol I only have one question--
why didn't you put up the "tissue
may be needed" warning. This was
excellent, one I'm going to save to
read to my grand-children (all Of them).
Such an important message given by your
most accomplished pen. No nits or spags.
Lora
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Carol I only have one question--
why didn't you put up the "tissue
may be needed" warning. This was
excellent, one I'm going to save to
read to my grand-children (all Of them).
Such an important message given by your
most accomplished pen. No nits or spags.
Lora
Comment Written 25-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Lora,
Yes, they do believe they are invincible. My grandson tried to swim an abandon pond and didn't make it...A foolish and painful loss. Thanks so much...Carol
Comment from hotstuff
OMG I am weeping buckets. This is so sad. Your story has wrecked me. It is every parents' nightmare to lose a child. And don't we know how easy it is for them to be wreckless when with their peers. Yet we can't wrap them around in cotton wool either, so have to stand back and watch them make their mistakes. It is so hard being a parent at times. Your story is fictional and boy am I glad it is.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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OMG I am weeping buckets. This is so sad. Your story has wrecked me. It is every parents' nightmare to lose a child. And don't we know how easy it is for them to be wreckless when with their peers. Yet we can't wrap them around in cotton wool either, so have to stand back and watch them make their mistakes. It is so hard being a parent at times. Your story is fictional and boy am I glad it is.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Hotstuff,
Teenagers believe they are capable of outsmarting every danger. My teenage grandson tried to swim across an abandoned pond...He didn't make it. The tragedy and pain lives with us every day. Thank you for your wonderful support. Smiles, CArol
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Carol, I am so sorry to hear about your beloved grandson. I can't begin to know the pain you and your family are suffering but my heart goes out to you all.
Comment from Sharesy
This was a beautifully written story. It made me cry. There were just a couple of glitches:
It was my little sister's turn to [chose] the movie.- choose
"What? I said I was coming(,)" looks and he left.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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This was a beautifully written story. It made me cry. There were just a couple of glitches:
It was my little sister's turn to [chose] the movie.- choose
"What? I said I was coming(,)" looks and he left.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Sharesy,
Thanks for ctching my errors and for the kind comments. Smiles to you, CArol
Comment from krprice
Delete unnecessary that's.
Excellent story. I hope this is a lesson to young kids. I suggest looking for a magazine or even a contest to submit this to.
Karlene
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Delete unnecessary that's.
Excellent story. I hope this is a lesson to young kids. I suggest looking for a magazine or even a contest to submit this to.
Karlene
Comment Written 25-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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kprice,
Thanks for the reminder...I've gotten a little slack it seems and I shall check it again. Appreciate the comments. CArol
Comment from c_lucas
Living life to the fullest can result in no life at all. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. Very good job.
Errors:
little sister's turn to chose (choose)the movie
that everything would be alright, (all right)
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Living life to the fullest can result in no life at all. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. Very good job.
Errors:
little sister's turn to chose (choose)the movie
that everything would be alright, (all right)
Comment Written 25-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Charlie,
Yes, my grandson unfortunately learned the hard way and our family pays the price every day. Thanks jfor the review. Smiles, CArol
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You're welcome, Carol. Charlie
Comment from Nanette Mary
Hullo Carol ...
This is a good story which started off as "My life as a ghost" and I enjoyed reading it. In your Notes, you say you couldn't bring yourself to delete anything. I suggest that you delete the one filthy word which lowers the tone of this whole piece of writing.
I have given you 5 stars, trusting that you will consider the few changes recommended ...
* You have - It was my little sister's turn to chose the movie ... this should be - to choose the movie.
* You have - Why do parents always think a teenager (singular) alone in their (plural) room, spells trouble?
I suggest - think a teenager, alone in his room, ....
* You have - Enough of memory lane ... Something doesn't feel right. As you are writing this story in the past tense, this should be - Something didn't feel right.
* You have - ""My sweet boy ... this should be -
"My sweet boy ....
* You have - I hadn't ever imagined my parents would ever suffer this way ... to avoid repetition, I suggest -
I had never imagined that my parents would ever have to suffer in this way ....
* You have - we better go sit with Mommy. This should be - we had better go and sit with Mommy.
With love from .... Nanette Mary.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Hullo Carol ...
This is a good story which started off as "My life as a ghost" and I enjoyed reading it. In your Notes, you say you couldn't bring yourself to delete anything. I suggest that you delete the one filthy word which lowers the tone of this whole piece of writing.
I have given you 5 stars, trusting that you will consider the few changes recommended ...
* You have - It was my little sister's turn to chose the movie ... this should be - to choose the movie.
* You have - Why do parents always think a teenager (singular) alone in their (plural) room, spells trouble?
I suggest - think a teenager, alone in his room, ....
* You have - Enough of memory lane ... Something doesn't feel right. As you are writing this story in the past tense, this should be - Something didn't feel right.
* You have - ""My sweet boy ... this should be -
"My sweet boy ....
* You have - I hadn't ever imagined my parents would ever suffer this way ... to avoid repetition, I suggest -
I had never imagined that my parents would ever have to suffer in this way ....
* You have - we better go sit with Mommy. This should be - we had better go and sit with Mommy.
With love from .... Nanette Mary.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Nanette,
I am way behind on everything so I have taken your much appreciated comments and stored them so I may make corrections later. Thank you...Carol
Comment from debbier2461
Wow what a touching story. I'm very impressed with the way you percieved this young man's thoughts and convey them so well. I really was moved to tears. I must admit I was hoping it was all just a bad dream and he'd wake up to realise he could go and watch 101 Dalmations. Obviously life doesn't always work like that. great job.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Wow what a touching story. I'm very impressed with the way you percieved this young man's thoughts and convey them so well. I really was moved to tears. I must admit I was hoping it was all just a bad dream and he'd wake up to realise he could go and watch 101 Dalmations. Obviously life doesn't always work like that. great job.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Debbie
My teenage grandson lived life to the fullest until he attenmpted to swim across an abandon pond. We live with the tragedy every day. Thanks...Carol
Comment from fionageorge
Carol, this is such a heart-tugging story, which drew me in from the first word. Great dialogue and thought processes, and the scene in heaven with Grandma was outstanding.
I was hoping Mikey would wake up, and learn from his dreams, but that would have been too obvious.
I think this story should be read by each teenager before they can gtet their licence.
Thanks for sharing, and warmest regards,
Marijke
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Carol, this is such a heart-tugging story, which drew me in from the first word. Great dialogue and thought processes, and the scene in heaven with Grandma was outstanding.
I was hoping Mikey would wake up, and learn from his dreams, but that would have been too obvious.
I think this story should be read by each teenager before they can gtet their licence.
Thanks for sharing, and warmest regards,
Marijke
Comment Written 25-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Marijke,
Every teenager in general. My grandson thought he could outlive danger and chose to swim across a pond. He didn't make it and we live with the results everyday. Thanks...CArol