Trapped
He spent too much time in the restroom.65 total reviews
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
Another good one Bob. How come we didn't see the first prize here? I'd
like to read the ones that beat yours.
So everyone gets it in the end. There are no survivors in this story. The title is apt. The characters were very well described and the plot was clearly delineated.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2020
  |
Another good one Bob. How come we didn't see the first prize here? I'd
like to read the ones that beat yours.
So everyone gets it in the end. There are no survivors in this story. The title is apt. The characters were very well described and the plot was clearly delineated.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2020
-
:) Thanks again dear friend. Bob
Comment from CoyoteCaliente
This is a well crafted story that dips back and forth in time, but there are some bits that just fall short of a great rating. Yet the bad is so off-set by the good, (namely the wonderfull tone and dialouge) that it was hard for me to give this a three.
Here's why I had to.
The beginning was a bit rough. The dialouge, though great, could've done with some decription on how they were being put. When Fuzz in hinting towards why Casey taking the case personally, give a hint that the reason is either embarassing or infuriating towards him. I could only imagine what I would feel if my daughter was in the situation he was in and the frame of mind and body language he would be giving off.
That was the main part about dialouge. Second is your initial description of Jackie.
"A perpetual slicky-slick smirk covered his face. He was tall, at least six-three. He was goateed, and so good with a basketball that he sometimes played in work boots just to show off. His head was bald and shiny and his neck was decked out with gold chains. A thick pink tongue caused him to lisp. He also had the IQ of a moth, a real pocket pool artist who peddled heavy-duty drugs. Gidlings made no attempt to hide the spiritual cancer that lived in his face. "
The "slicky-slick" description comes off as cheesy and doesn't fit well at all. You use some pretty far-out comarisions in this story (I loved the cannonball one) but they all worked well with the exception of this one.
"He was goateed, and so good with a basketball" Sports skills and physical descrptions come awkwardly together in this sentence. The train of though is just too random. Perhaphs add this in to the description of his smile, which might have "covered his (goateed) face."
My comment on this line... "had the IQ of a moth, a real pocket pool artist who peddled heavy-duty drugs." This seems a bit contradictory. Someone with a low IQ, in my opinion, would not last long enough to work up to "heavy-duty" drugs.
If I'm still not clear, someone with a that doesn't test well, appear smart, or apply themselves can have an great IQ and do well on the streets, like our Jackie. Street smarts and smooth dealings are intelligent aspects, even if the said person doesn't give the air of being smart. (And with the reflexes and quick thinking to take down two men in a crowded restroom, you better have a sharp head on your shoulders).
Now, just to show I'm not all bad, I do have to say that the last bit (Gidlings made no attempt to hide the spiritual cancer that lived in his face.) was extremely powerful in choice of words. I really loved it.
My last edge is the ending. I see how it ties into the title, the hapless murderer trapped in with his deeds. But it came as a bit of a blindside to me. There's a hint about the place being locked up in the beginning, but more emphasis can be put into the jail like qualities of the bar. There's no windows, yes. But just how stout are those doors? Are they cold steel hunkers or hard oak that is more or less stout?
Give me an idea of just how utterly trapped Jackie is and I think the ending will work out a hell of a lot better.
In the end, this is a good story. the characters had personality, depth, and flare. But it needs some work to make it work out as a great story.
I hope I was fair with what I have said here. -CC
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
  |
This is a well crafted story that dips back and forth in time, but there are some bits that just fall short of a great rating. Yet the bad is so off-set by the good, (namely the wonderfull tone and dialouge) that it was hard for me to give this a three.
Here's why I had to.
The beginning was a bit rough. The dialouge, though great, could've done with some decription on how they were being put. When Fuzz in hinting towards why Casey taking the case personally, give a hint that the reason is either embarassing or infuriating towards him. I could only imagine what I would feel if my daughter was in the situation he was in and the frame of mind and body language he would be giving off.
That was the main part about dialouge. Second is your initial description of Jackie.
"A perpetual slicky-slick smirk covered his face. He was tall, at least six-three. He was goateed, and so good with a basketball that he sometimes played in work boots just to show off. His head was bald and shiny and his neck was decked out with gold chains. A thick pink tongue caused him to lisp. He also had the IQ of a moth, a real pocket pool artist who peddled heavy-duty drugs. Gidlings made no attempt to hide the spiritual cancer that lived in his face. "
The "slicky-slick" description comes off as cheesy and doesn't fit well at all. You use some pretty far-out comarisions in this story (I loved the cannonball one) but they all worked well with the exception of this one.
"He was goateed, and so good with a basketball" Sports skills and physical descrptions come awkwardly together in this sentence. The train of though is just too random. Perhaphs add this in to the description of his smile, which might have "covered his (goateed) face."
My comment on this line... "had the IQ of a moth, a real pocket pool artist who peddled heavy-duty drugs." This seems a bit contradictory. Someone with a low IQ, in my opinion, would not last long enough to work up to "heavy-duty" drugs.
If I'm still not clear, someone with a that doesn't test well, appear smart, or apply themselves can have an great IQ and do well on the streets, like our Jackie. Street smarts and smooth dealings are intelligent aspects, even if the said person doesn't give the air of being smart. (And with the reflexes and quick thinking to take down two men in a crowded restroom, you better have a sharp head on your shoulders).
Now, just to show I'm not all bad, I do have to say that the last bit (Gidlings made no attempt to hide the spiritual cancer that lived in his face.) was extremely powerful in choice of words. I really loved it.
My last edge is the ending. I see how it ties into the title, the hapless murderer trapped in with his deeds. But it came as a bit of a blindside to me. There's a hint about the place being locked up in the beginning, but more emphasis can be put into the jail like qualities of the bar. There's no windows, yes. But just how stout are those doors? Are they cold steel hunkers or hard oak that is more or less stout?
Give me an idea of just how utterly trapped Jackie is and I think the ending will work out a hell of a lot better.
In the end, this is a good story. the characters had personality, depth, and flare. But it needs some work to make it work out as a great story.
I hope I was fair with what I have said here. -CC
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
-
Yes, thankyou very much.
Comment from wierdgrace
What a great chapter, or story, the characters, and the story touches home, I love your writing, and this is truly great, the characters, the story about the asshole who sold the drugs to his daughter, I felt like I was within the story, well done. I will look for this in the contest, its a winner in my eyes.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
|
What a great chapter, or story, the characters, and the story touches home, I love your writing, and this is truly great, the characters, the story about the asshole who sold the drugs to his daughter, I felt like I was within the story, well done. I will look for this in the contest, its a winner in my eyes.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
-
Awww. Thanks so much, Grace. Your comments honor my writing indeed. Bless you...Bob
Comment from Pen&Ink
Hello Bob,
This is really good! I loved your character development and use of realistic dialogue. The dectective's fate seemed preordained, given his attitude--almost like he expected to die. As for the barkeep, I feel sorry for him. I'm not sure I would have had him run to the bathrooom door after the shot was fired. Maybe he could have been killed somewhere in the bar as the killer futilly tried to escape his confines. No big deal, though.
This line was great: "He was gone. . . part of the fabric of the night."
Well done, Bob!
Ray
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
|
Hello Bob,
This is really good! I loved your character development and use of realistic dialogue. The dectective's fate seemed preordained, given his attitude--almost like he expected to die. As for the barkeep, I feel sorry for him. I'm not sure I would have had him run to the bathrooom door after the shot was fired. Maybe he could have been killed somewhere in the bar as the killer futilly tried to escape his confines. No big deal, though.
This line was great: "He was gone. . . part of the fabric of the night."
Well done, Bob!
Ray
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
-
Thanks so much, Ray...You are always so tuned in on these things and I sincerely appreciate it...Bob
-
Hey, Ray...and thanks for the great sixer too...almost forgot...LOL..Bob
Comment from Colin Douglas
Excellent. Your story is brought to life with fully developed characters and dialogue that is both relevant and fun to read.
Your imagery is fantastic. Every detail of the gun shots are seen without unnecessary wording.
Also, your metaphors and imagery are original and effective.
Well done.
Colin
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
|
Excellent. Your story is brought to life with fully developed characters and dialogue that is both relevant and fun to read.
Your imagery is fantastic. Every detail of the gun shots are seen without unnecessary wording.
Also, your metaphors and imagery are original and effective.
Well done.
Colin
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
-
Wow! Thanks so much, Colin...I do so appreciate your review and the beautiful sixer, too...What a guy! Bob
Comment from Connie P
Excellent crime fiction. Your characters are life-like and the story whizzes along at a great pace.
This line stood out:
'he wanted it in a knock-down, backstreet, lowbrow dumpy saloon'
Great human observation, the inner desire doesn't always reach satisfaction with a drink, a drug, etc...but there is something dark associated with it crying out for fulfillment.
Connie
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
|
Excellent crime fiction. Your characters are life-like and the story whizzes along at a great pace.
This line stood out:
'he wanted it in a knock-down, backstreet, lowbrow dumpy saloon'
Great human observation, the inner desire doesn't always reach satisfaction with a drink, a drug, etc...but there is something dark associated with it crying out for fulfillment.
Connie
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
-
Well, thank you, Connie. I sincerely appreciate your fine review...You are definitely tuned in on the human psyche..Bob
Comment from elizabethmay
I'm new to this web site and still feeling my way. This story although complete in itself feels like it could be part of a bigger work. I really liked some of the expressions used in the descriptions eg. 'a cannonball hung from his scrotum' conjured up an image!and 'dont go Billy Graham on me' I wish I could think up expressions like these.
The story was a bit dark for my tastes but it held my interest because of the strong characters. Good luck with it. Regards EM
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
|
I'm new to this web site and still feeling my way. This story although complete in itself feels like it could be part of a bigger work. I really liked some of the expressions used in the descriptions eg. 'a cannonball hung from his scrotum' conjured up an image!and 'dont go Billy Graham on me' I wish I could think up expressions like these.
The story was a bit dark for my tastes but it held my interest because of the strong characters. Good luck with it. Regards EM
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
-
Well, welcome aboard, Elizabeth. I know you will like Fanstory...I have beenhere over six years now. I appreciate your fine review,especially since it's not your usual fare. I will keep an eye out for your wrk as well...Bob (Mastery)
Comment from Valkarie
Your piece is very powerful and has that visual content which is concise and artistic. The characterization in your piece is well supported and come across as very believable. There is suspense in this fine story which kept me occupied until the last word. An impressive piece of work.
Valkarie...
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
|
Your piece is very powerful and has that visual content which is concise and artistic. The characterization in your piece is well supported and come across as very believable. There is suspense in this fine story which kept me occupied until the last word. An impressive piece of work.
Valkarie...
Comment Written 22-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
-
Wow! Thanks so much for your fine review, Val. what do you think of Fuzzy? Bob
-
Your characters were superb just as I expected from a master as you. My pleasure.
V...
Comment from medel
Excellent story and description that is not overly done, but gives a very clear picture of the characters in the story and their surroundings.
Loved the line about the bottles being as seductive as a woman's smile. Great pacing, which keeps the reader engaged in the story.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
|
Excellent story and description that is not overly done, but gives a very clear picture of the characters in the story and their surroundings.
Loved the line about the bottles being as seductive as a woman's smile. Great pacing, which keeps the reader engaged in the story.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
-
Thankyou, Medel..Welcome aboard Fanstory. good luck. I appreciate your fine review an dcan tell you actually READ it. LOL..some just say they do for the funny money. I will be watching for your work also and return the reviewing favor...Where is Millside, New York? The novel I am currently working on here, called "Falling Up The Stairs" is based in upper New York State. Take care and again, thanks...Bob (Mastery)
Comment from EXMAN. nffc
Detective Casey MaClam
Is this a scottish Mac Lam or some other name Maclam? The capital 'C' seems out of place.
I could get a lot of shit for this
'in' a lot of shit
in and roust this asshole in a minute."
Anyway, time to roust that fucker out of his hole."
I had to look up roust and it certainly is the right word for this. Are you happy with the double usage?
He nervously stacked glasses on the shelf behind
I would have thought his nerves would have been showing before this point.
When Casey walked in Jackie was at the urinal, shaking himself off
So what had he been doing for the rest of the time he was in there. Over ten minutes at least.
This is a great story. The setting was well done shown, the cop believeable.
Loved the one liners
As a rule their killers couldn't masturbate without a diagram
The big detective lumbered when he walked and looked as if a cannonball hung from his scrotum.
The action flowed well and was easy to follow.
Take or leave the suggestions I made. I just wanted to point them out as things I noted.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
|
Detective Casey MaClam
Is this a scottish Mac Lam or some other name Maclam? The capital 'C' seems out of place.
I could get a lot of shit for this
'in' a lot of shit
in and roust this asshole in a minute."
Anyway, time to roust that fucker out of his hole."
I had to look up roust and it certainly is the right word for this. Are you happy with the double usage?
He nervously stacked glasses on the shelf behind
I would have thought his nerves would have been showing before this point.
When Casey walked in Jackie was at the urinal, shaking himself off
So what had he been doing for the rest of the time he was in there. Over ten minutes at least.
This is a great story. The setting was well done shown, the cop believeable.
Loved the one liners
As a rule their killers couldn't masturbate without a diagram
The big detective lumbered when he walked and looked as if a cannonball hung from his scrotum.
The action flowed well and was easy to follow.
Take or leave the suggestions I made. I just wanted to point them out as things I noted.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
-
Thanks for the review, Ex. Good suggestions..As for the time spent with the guy in the bathroom??? LOL..Some things have to be taken at face value...Perhaps he was listening at the door and then needed to piss...how do I know? Bob
