Flash Fiction
Viewing comments for Chapter 41 "The Thunder Roared"Collection of Flash, Micro, etc.
59 total reviews
Comment from MercyWrites
I enjoyed the read. You told a good story. One filled with suspense, and the best part was the twist at the end. I only have one suggestion. Bolts of lightning zigzagged across the sky. I think you can cut down on some of the words. How about just saying "Lighting flashed across the sky."
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2010
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I enjoyed the read. You told a good story. One filled with suspense, and the best part was the twist at the end. I only have one suggestion. Bolts of lightning zigzagged across the sky. I think you can cut down on some of the words. How about just saying "Lighting flashed across the sky."
Comment Written 27-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2010
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Mercy
Thanks for reading and for the suggestion. You have helped my feeble weary mind. Smiles to you...Carol
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I don't think your mind is feeble. You have a terrific imagination.
Comment from Charlene0513
To BeginAgain,
A story that reflects what was a very terrifying time for her when younger but realizes that her fears are only a dream.
Charlene
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2010
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To BeginAgain,
A story that reflects what was a very terrifying time for her when younger but realizes that her fears are only a dream.
Charlene
Comment Written 26-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2010
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Charlene,
Yes...some nightmares stay with us forever...Thanks for the kind comments. Smiles, Carol
Comment from anabelle
Well done with this. Keeping the identity of the narrator secret until the end was brilliant. I had no clue who was speaking, but I knew it wasn't a six-year-old because of some of the details.
Best of luck in the contest.
Regards, anabelle
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2010
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Well done with this. Keeping the identity of the narrator secret until the end was brilliant. I had no clue who was speaking, but I knew it wasn't a six-year-old because of some of the details.
Best of luck in the contest.
Regards, anabelle
Comment Written 03-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2010
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Anabelle,
Thank you so much for the wonderful review. Flash fiction is hard for me because I want to be so descriptive. Glad you enjoyed it. Smiles to you, Carola
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You did a good job of this one.
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi Carol, nice little story. The writing's pretty tight. I just have a few suggestions:
Bolts of lightning zigzagged [across the sky]. The wind whipped the tree branches against the window. - understood where lightning zigzagged. Too many 'the' in here. Try:
Bolts of lightning zigzagged. Wind whipped tree branches against the window.
Clutching my blanket, I cried, "Mommy, I'm afraid." Panic vibrated through my six-year-old voice. - 'I clutched my blanket and cried' is a more active phrase.
Panic vibrated through my six-year-old voice. - a bit colourful for flash here. Try another version:
Panicked, I clutched my blanket and cried, "Mommy, I'm afraid."
(of course the age isn't mentioned here. If necessary, it has to be included somewhere else. Just showing an example to tighten the sentence)
Mommy yanked the blanket from my head[, scolding me,] "Nonsense! You're a big girl. It's only a thunderstorm." - Suggest delete the telling part. We know from the speech the mother is scolding. Maybe you can include the age here instead of 'big girl'.
Hugging my knees to my chest, I clamped my eyes shut and prayed, "Please help me, God." - 'clamp' already means 'to press together' or 'close', so 'shut' isn't necessary, or use just 'shut'.
I hugged my knees to my chest, shut my eyes shut and prayed, "Please help me, God."
The tree branches were still. I breathed a sigh of relief. The storm was gone. I thanked the Lord.
The tree branches stood still - no more storm. I sighed in relief and thanked the Lord.
Moments later, the sound of a freight train roared through the darkness. The house rattled and moaned. The windowpane shattered. The howling wind tossed me across the room. I screamed and buried my head in fear. - wonder if you can get rid of some of 'the' here:
Moments later, the sound of a freight train roared through the darkness. The house rattled and moaned, windowpane shattered. Howling wind tossed me across the room. I screamed and buried my head.
(again 'in fear' isn't necessary. It's understood)
Light flooded the room. A strong arm encircled my sobbing body. A voice soothed me.
"It's okay. I'm here." He kissed my cheek. "It's only a dream."
(How about rearranging this. the voice soothed after being heard, not before)
Light flooded the room. A strong arm encircled my body. "It's okay. I'm here. It's only a dream," he said in a soothing voice and kissed my cheek.
"I know, but you're safe." My husband stroked my hair and kissed away my tears. [I was comforted.] - suggest delete.
Hope those help. Best wishes to you in the contest.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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Hi Carol, nice little story. The writing's pretty tight. I just have a few suggestions:
Bolts of lightning zigzagged [across the sky]. The wind whipped the tree branches against the window. - understood where lightning zigzagged. Too many 'the' in here. Try:
Bolts of lightning zigzagged. Wind whipped tree branches against the window.
Clutching my blanket, I cried, "Mommy, I'm afraid." Panic vibrated through my six-year-old voice. - 'I clutched my blanket and cried' is a more active phrase.
Panic vibrated through my six-year-old voice. - a bit colourful for flash here. Try another version:
Panicked, I clutched my blanket and cried, "Mommy, I'm afraid."
(of course the age isn't mentioned here. If necessary, it has to be included somewhere else. Just showing an example to tighten the sentence)
Mommy yanked the blanket from my head[, scolding me,] "Nonsense! You're a big girl. It's only a thunderstorm." - Suggest delete the telling part. We know from the speech the mother is scolding. Maybe you can include the age here instead of 'big girl'.
Hugging my knees to my chest, I clamped my eyes shut and prayed, "Please help me, God." - 'clamp' already means 'to press together' or 'close', so 'shut' isn't necessary, or use just 'shut'.
I hugged my knees to my chest, shut my eyes shut and prayed, "Please help me, God."
The tree branches were still. I breathed a sigh of relief. The storm was gone. I thanked the Lord.
The tree branches stood still - no more storm. I sighed in relief and thanked the Lord.
Moments later, the sound of a freight train roared through the darkness. The house rattled and moaned. The windowpane shattered. The howling wind tossed me across the room. I screamed and buried my head in fear. - wonder if you can get rid of some of 'the' here:
Moments later, the sound of a freight train roared through the darkness. The house rattled and moaned, windowpane shattered. Howling wind tossed me across the room. I screamed and buried my head.
(again 'in fear' isn't necessary. It's understood)
Light flooded the room. A strong arm encircled my sobbing body. A voice soothed me.
"It's okay. I'm here." He kissed my cheek. "It's only a dream."
(How about rearranging this. the voice soothed after being heard, not before)
Light flooded the room. A strong arm encircled my body. "It's okay. I'm here. It's only a dream," he said in a soothing voice and kissed my cheek.
"I know, but you're safe." My husband stroked my hair and kissed away my tears. [I was comforted.] - suggest delete.
Hope those help. Best wishes to you in the contest.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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arjuna,
I really appreciate you taking the time to assist me with these flash fictions...I just can't seem to skimp on words...makes the story sound stilted to me....Appreciate all your help. Smiles, CArol
Comment from bayoupoet
This is a very well written short story for the Micro Fiction contest. You are very creative. It is always a pleasure to read for you, Carol!
sandra
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2010
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This is a very well written short story for the Micro Fiction contest. You are very creative. It is always a pleasure to read for you, Carol!
sandra
Comment Written 01-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2010
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Sandra,
Hey, girl friend. Thanks for stopping buy and reading my story. Appreciate the comments. Smiles to you, Carol
Comment from kchitti
The wind whipped the tree branches against the window.
> in an effort to shorten, I might get rid of the 2 "the's" in that sentence
i might also consider ending the piece like this and leaving out the rest. but that's really just meddling on my part.
"It's okay. I'm here." My husband stroked my hair and kissed away my tears. "It's only a dream."
great entry! I wish you luck in the contest. I thought your descriptions were excellent. haven't we all had a tornado and/or thunderstorm dream!
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2010
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The wind whipped the tree branches against the window.
> in an effort to shorten, I might get rid of the 2 "the's" in that sentence
i might also consider ending the piece like this and leaving out the rest. but that's really just meddling on my part.
"It's okay. I'm here." My husband stroked my hair and kissed away my tears. "It's only a dream."
great entry! I wish you luck in the contest. I thought your descriptions were excellent. haven't we all had a tornado and/or thunderstorm dream!
Comment Written 01-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2010
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kchitti,
Thanks for the wonderful review. I appreciate your time and comments. Smiles, Carol
Comment from L.lora
Wow Carol, this was definitely
suspenseful, had me reading in
a hurry to find out what happened.
Very good story, no nits or spags.
Lora
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2010
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Wow Carol, this was definitely
suspenseful, had me reading in
a hurry to find out what happened.
Very good story, no nits or spags.
Lora
Comment Written 01-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2010
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lora,
Thank you for the kind and generous review. Glad it caught your attention. Smiles, Carol
Comment from amada
You did a pretty good work in this micro-fiction contest entry. I enjoyed the vivid descriptions in your story and the surprise ending. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2010
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You did a pretty good work in this micro-fiction contest entry. I enjoyed the vivid descriptions in your story and the surprise ending. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2010
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amada,
Thanks for the encouragement and awesome comments. I appreciate it very much. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Nanette Mary
Hullo Carol ....
This is well written - interesting - and has a gentle but surprising ending. There is nothing to suggest changing and, as it is a Contest entry, I wish you well.
Thank you for sharing it with us.
With love from .... Nanette Mary.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2010
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Hullo Carol ....
This is well written - interesting - and has a gentle but surprising ending. There is nothing to suggest changing and, as it is a Contest entry, I wish you well.
Thank you for sharing it with us.
With love from .... Nanette Mary.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2010
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Nanette,
Thank you for the fantastic review. Always appreciate hearing from you. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Kashif Ali Abbas
Bolts of lightning zigzagged across the sky. The wind whipped the tree branches against the window.[ These opening sentences clutched my mind and I was thinking what a grand start]
Ah, I was wrong the best was yet to come. What a great emotional and sensational piece of writing. Very well done
best wishes
K
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
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Bolts of lightning zigzagged across the sky. The wind whipped the tree branches against the window.[ These opening sentences clutched my mind and I was thinking what a grand start]
Ah, I was wrong the best was yet to come. What a great emotional and sensational piece of writing. Very well done
best wishes
K
Comment Written 28-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
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Kashif
so pleased that you enjoyed the story...It hard to get a lot of detail in these stories that have limited word count, but I'm thrilled you enjoyed it. Smiles, Carol
