Comment from Nicnac

Excellent

Well, your words have created a mellow, enjoyable feeling.
Although I don't like fishing (or fish for that matter, HaHa), you made it sound so relaxing and fun.

Well done.
I long for the cool sunshine. ;)
Nic

 Comment Written 05-Feb-2010

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reply by the author on 09-Mar-2010

Thanks, Nicnac, for reading and reviewing my work. elaine I wrote this one for my fisherman husband. elaine

Comment from jmdg1954

Excellent

Meets the parameters of the contest..
well written..
as a fisherman, years ago I can re-live the joys I had dropping a line...
Good luck

 Comment Written 05-Feb-2010

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reply by the author on 09-Mar-2010

Thanks for reading and reviewing...elaine

Comment from Jeanie Mercer

Excellent

The poem presents a pleasant, relaxed scene. The criteria for number of lines and syllable count were met. The "cool sunshine" sounds inviting! Best wishes, Jeanie Mercer

 Comment Written 04-Feb-2010

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reply by the author on 09-Mar-2010

Jeanie, thanks again for reading another of my works...elaine

Comment from adewpearl

Excellent

I like the internal and external rhymes in the final couplet and the delightful scene you portray in the entire poem - fulfilling trout dreams while casting a line into the stream - sounds great to me!! Brooke :-)

 Comment Written 04-Feb-2010

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reply by the author on 09-Mar-2010

thanks, Brooke...catching up after a long break!!! elaine

Comment from syndactl

Excellent

I enjoyed reading this poem. It was an interesting format that I haven't seen before.

The first four lines, to me, seem a bit wanting. "Leaving today. Going away." While its nice that they rhyme well, they are repetitive and really tell the reader nothing. In a short poem such as this, you really have to make every word count.

The last two lines are very well done, and somewhat make up for the first four. I know that its difficult when you only have so many syllables to work with, but I would really like to see you add some punch to those first lines. Even if you just change one set, EG. "Delight of May, going away." Something that sparks the readers interest.

Again, I very much enjoyed the last lines, especially the wording of "trout dreams" and the slight oxymoron in "cool sunshine".

I wish you well in the contest,
-Syndactl

 Comment Written 04-Feb-2010

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reply by the author on 04-Feb-2010

Thanks for such a detailed and helpful review. I went back and changed a few things.

Changed the title to: "Gone Fishin'"

Left the first to lines because I thought they were a natural "follow" to the title.

Changed the next to lines to: To cast
with flair.

Let me know what you think. Is it better or worse??? thanks, elaine

reply by syndactl on 04-Feb-2010

That is much better. I think what was detracting from those lines before was primarily the fact that they repeated one another.

Again I wish you luck in the contest! :)

Comment from amada

Excellent

I like this. Fresh and original new style. I like the effortless rhyming of the lines. I also like the idea of going fishing. Good luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 04-Feb-2010

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reply by the author on 09-Mar-2010

Thanks for reading and reviewing...wrote this one for my fisherman husband...elaine