Not the Person I was Before
quatrain20 total reviews
Comment from easyeverett
"if I never SEE you a GAIN
my WORLD would be COME a dull GRAY
the DARK days would BE full of RAIN
my MIND and my SOUL would de CAY" A great execution of
anapest metering Al.
i WOULD stay in SIDE my a BODE - Shaky but still anapest.
not AN swer ING the DOOR or PHONE - Loose iambics.
up ON my BACK a HEA vy LOAD - Perfect iambic tetrameter.
and WANT ing TO be ALL a LONE - Too Greta Al. lol You better be dressed for the part because she is heavy competition.
I just couldn't figure out since your lead in line was
anapest meter why you didn't follow that lead. The poem
is all over the meter board though you have compensated
very well with the elevated language and poetic good senses but I'm just baffled as to why when faced with
preset meter you didn't just go with it? I loved your imagery especially this stanza:
The sky's bow that follows the rain
Would not refract a prism now.
All it would show is my own pain;
No bright colors would it allow...
A bow of beauty after rain - perfect iambic tet.
Could not refract a prism now. - again iambic tet
All it would show is my own pain - again
No colors bright would it allow. - a legitimate switch
which allows you iambic tet. again.
I have never found a poem out of sinc that
I can't put back in sync and it just requires
never falling in love with any line of poetic
you write. This is a five star Fanstory poem but
you would be ripped pretty good by a schooled,
metered forum. I like your sophistication as usual
Al. Just trying to help. easy
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2009
  |
"if I never SEE you a GAIN
my WORLD would be COME a dull GRAY
the DARK days would BE full of RAIN
my MIND and my SOUL would de CAY" A great execution of
anapest metering Al.
i WOULD stay in SIDE my a BODE - Shaky but still anapest.
not AN swer ING the DOOR or PHONE - Loose iambics.
up ON my BACK a HEA vy LOAD - Perfect iambic tetrameter.
and WANT ing TO be ALL a LONE - Too Greta Al. lol You better be dressed for the part because she is heavy competition.
I just couldn't figure out since your lead in line was
anapest meter why you didn't follow that lead. The poem
is all over the meter board though you have compensated
very well with the elevated language and poetic good senses but I'm just baffled as to why when faced with
preset meter you didn't just go with it? I loved your imagery especially this stanza:
The sky's bow that follows the rain
Would not refract a prism now.
All it would show is my own pain;
No bright colors would it allow...
A bow of beauty after rain - perfect iambic tet.
Could not refract a prism now. - again iambic tet
All it would show is my own pain - again
No colors bright would it allow. - a legitimate switch
which allows you iambic tet. again.
I have never found a poem out of sinc that
I can't put back in sync and it just requires
never falling in love with any line of poetic
you write. This is a five star Fanstory poem but
you would be ripped pretty good by a schooled,
metered forum. I like your sophistication as usual
Al. Just trying to help. easy
Comment Written 03-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2009
-
I don't write anapest meter well. I didn't even recognize the sentence as anapestic. I wanted to force it into iambs, with which I am familiar. I need to study anapestic meter more. Yes, this is a three star poem. I need to work on meters other than iambic. Thanks for a very helpful review.
Comment from septemberjune
I enjoyed the sentiment of the poem, but I felt the struggle with the form. I noticed the form before I noticed the power of the words, and I have always felt that the best quatrains are those that I do not even notice they are carefully constructed until after I have read and savoured the meaning. That was not the case here, even though I loved some images - especially dark days full of rain. Thank you.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2009
 |
I enjoyed the sentiment of the poem, but I felt the struggle with the form. I noticed the form before I noticed the power of the words, and I have always felt that the best quatrains are those that I do not even notice they are carefully constructed until after I have read and savoured the meaning. That was not the case here, even though I loved some images - especially dark days full of rain. Thank you.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2009
-
Yes, I had trouble with the form. My problem was the prompt sentence was not metered, so I could not construct a metered poem. I think that made the poem a little choppy. Thanks for your review.
-
You are welcome!
Comment from moosegal
Very powerful writing with clear description. I was especially struck by how your mind and soul would decay, and by the heavy load on your back. If this is indeed a real person of whom you speak - wow - they are blessed. Excellent job with the quatrain format.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2009
|
Very powerful writing with clear description. I was especially struck by how your mind and soul would decay, and by the heavy load on your back. If this is indeed a real person of whom you speak - wow - they are blessed. Excellent job with the quatrain format.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2009
-
Yes, it is a real person who, unfortunately, cannot accept my friendship's love. He is so protective of himself that for someone to care annoys him. But we shall work it out. Thanks for a good review.
-
somewhere, somehow you are reaching him in a deep place, although he won't let on. he's darn lucky to have you around!
-
Yes, I just wish he could find that deep place, but he has to find it for himself.
Comment from MissMerri
Nicely rhymed and the meter flows smoothly all the way through. It sounds like the writer is very much in love with someone that he would have trouble living without. A well done poem, so why does it say "Romance fiction?" Just wonderin'.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2009
|
Nicely rhymed and the meter flows smoothly all the way through. It sounds like the writer is very much in love with someone that he would have trouble living without. A well done poem, so why does it say "Romance fiction?" Just wonderin'.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2009
-
Because I am not in love with him--I once thought I was, but he has a lover. Adultery is not my style and he didn't tell me he had a lover until our third date. So I prefer to think of our encounters (I can't let him go yet) as fiction. Thanks for a great review.
-
And thanks for explaining. You're welcome, also.
Comment from palsuresh
This is a very nice heartfelt poem with a nice rhyming sequence.
I like the ending lines-
"Just plain living would be a chore
If I never see you again..." The feeling is simple and genuine without much drama.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2009
|
This is a very nice heartfelt poem with a nice rhyming sequence.
I like the ending lines-
"Just plain living would be a chore
If I never see you again..." The feeling is simple and genuine without much drama.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2009
-
Thank you for a very kind review. I truly appreciate it.
Comment from Soulester
Hi, Alvin, You developed the expected response to the prompt in an unexpected way. I find the title to be deep. It's true that changes in relationships change us, sometimes significantly. I guess I like this poem, because my response would be very similar to the personna's. Thanks for sharing this . Mary
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2009
|
Hi, Alvin, You developed the expected response to the prompt in an unexpected way. I find the title to be deep. It's true that changes in relationships change us, sometimes significantly. I guess I like this poem, because my response would be very similar to the personna's. Thanks for sharing this . Mary
Comment Written 02-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2009
-
I thought people would be able to relate to the changes we go through in personality when a relationship changes. Thanks for a good review.
Comment from Joan E.
Your title was quite inviting, leading the reading into very satisfying quatrains. I enjoyed your lovely,consistent meter and rhyme. I also admired your effective hyperbole and "bow/refract" metaphor.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2009
|
Your title was quite inviting, leading the reading into very satisfying quatrains. I enjoyed your lovely,consistent meter and rhyme. I also admired your effective hyperbole and "bow/refract" metaphor.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2009
-
Thanks for a great review; it's surprising--I didn't think I could achieve a consistent meter with the given phrase.
Comment from adewpearl
Alvin, your quatrains in ABAB rhyme have good cadence and strong rhymes and certainly convey the emotion of your speaker in a compelling way - good luck in the contest with a heartfelt poem. Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2009
|
Alvin, your quatrains in ABAB rhyme have good cadence and strong rhymes and certainly convey the emotion of your speaker in a compelling way - good luck in the contest with a heartfelt poem. Brooke :-)
Comment Written 02-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2009
-
Thanks for a great review.
Comment from honeytree
Yes we react in different ways, when we break a relationship with someone we love. One would feel sorrow and pain but maybe, one should met another that love may flow from?
Their is no doubt about it, a realtionship that breaks up can take a long time to get over, and start again.
Great Writing
Honeytree.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2009
|
Yes we react in different ways, when we break a relationship with someone we love. One would feel sorrow and pain but maybe, one should met another that love may flow from?
Their is no doubt about it, a realtionship that breaks up can take a long time to get over, and start again.
Great Writing
Honeytree.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2009
-
Yes, that's what I am trying to do--to meet someone else. Thanks for a great and understanding review.
Comment from Seraphim Delphinium
Dear Mr. Ethington,
A fine and worthy composition expressing authentic emotion and content. Beautiful tone and tenor accompany a thoughtful and well presented rhyme scheme. A truly tender and touching work!
Warm regards,
Miss Seraph~
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2009
|
Dear Mr. Ethington,
A fine and worthy composition expressing authentic emotion and content. Beautiful tone and tenor accompany a thoughtful and well presented rhyme scheme. A truly tender and touching work!
Warm regards,
Miss Seraph~
Comment Written 02-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2009
-
My dear Miss Seraph,
You are very kind. You caught the gist of the work. Thanks for a great review.
I remain,
Mr. Ethington