Flash Fiction
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Buried At Sea"Collection of Flash, Micro, etc.
38 total reviews
Comment from Cooper Watt
Begin Again,
That's a pretty good story. Solid, but fairly predictable. Don't get me wrong though, I enjoyed your Flash Fiction, it just wasn't as moving as some of the others...
I wish you the best of luck!
Sincerely,
Coop.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2009
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Begin Again,
That's a pretty good story. Solid, but fairly predictable. Don't get me wrong though, I enjoyed your Flash Fiction, it just wasn't as moving as some of the others...
I wish you the best of luck!
Sincerely,
Coop.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2009
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Cooper
I understand that everyone can't like everything the same, some move one person, and others move someone else. Thanks for the review. Carol
Comment from Marjorie D.
The last lines turned what could have been a tragic story into one that left me smiling, too. Her actions said it all--no need to exchange words with the cheating husband; she showed him exactly how she felt. I love it.
Best of luck!
XO
Marjorie
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2009
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The last lines turned what could have been a tragic story into one that left me smiling, too. Her actions said it all--no need to exchange words with the cheating husband; she showed him exactly how she felt. I love it.
Best of luck!
XO
Marjorie
Comment Written 23-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2009
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Marjorie
He certainly got what he deserved. Thanks for the review. Carol
Comment from MizKat
Oh, the wrath of a woman scorned. Your story was really good. I enjoyed reading it. It's great how you used all the words to make such a facinating story. Great!!!!
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2009
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Oh, the wrath of a woman scorned. Your story was really good. I enjoyed reading it. It's great how you used all the words to make such a facinating story. Great!!!!
Comment Written 23-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2009
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MizKat
Glad you enjoyed the story. Thanks for the kind review. Carol
Comment from Thesis
Excellent story. This guy deserved to be in the car when it went over the cliff.
Wow, what a scene to walk into. Her naked and ready for fun, him already having fun with someone else. He's lucky she didn't shoot him. LOL - Thesis
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2009
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Excellent story. This guy deserved to be in the car when it went over the cliff.
Wow, what a scene to walk into. Her naked and ready for fun, him already having fun with someone else. He's lucky she didn't shoot him. LOL - Thesis
Comment Written 23-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2009
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Thesis Most definitely!! Thanks for the gret review and kind comments. Carol
Comment from RapturedHeart
Oh, Begin Again, this is another extremely gripping entry. You've managed to fit in all the words, as well as betrayal, suspense and revenge. Very, very well done and intriguing. All the best in the contest,
Heather
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2009
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Oh, Begin Again, this is another extremely gripping entry. You've managed to fit in all the words, as well as betrayal, suspense and revenge. Very, very well done and intriguing. All the best in the contest,
Heather
Comment Written 23-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2009
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Heather
I so appreciate your kind reviews. I am glad that you enjoyed the story. It is difficult for me to fit everything into so few words so I am pleased that it held your attention. Thanks again...Carol
Comment from hvysmker
The water pounded against the rocks.
*** I'd drop the the first "The" as not needed. Maybe even replacing it with, "Below" and a comma. "Below, water pounded against huge rocks." Both six words, but more of an image? Only one rat's advice. (Charlie left the room, leaving this page on his browser, so I'm helping him out. You're lucky, cause I'm Oscar Rat -- the famous and humble rodent writer.)
Her fun stopped.
*** Just like a human. A rat girl would have joined them, he, he.
The car, golf clubs, first edition books - everything that once meant something - plummeted toward the raging water, smashing against the rocks, bursting into flames.
*** Oooohh! She really fixed him. Even the Elvis records?
Darn it. That's all I could find, Carol. Disappointing, since I love to rip human stories apart.
Good luck,
Oscar Rat
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2009
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The water pounded against the rocks.
*** I'd drop the the first "The" as not needed. Maybe even replacing it with, "Below" and a comma. "Below, water pounded against huge rocks." Both six words, but more of an image? Only one rat's advice. (Charlie left the room, leaving this page on his browser, so I'm helping him out. You're lucky, cause I'm Oscar Rat -- the famous and humble rodent writer.)
Her fun stopped.
*** Just like a human. A rat girl would have joined them, he, he.
The car, golf clubs, first edition books - everything that once meant something - plummeted toward the raging water, smashing against the rocks, bursting into flames.
*** Oooohh! She really fixed him. Even the Elvis records?
Darn it. That's all I could find, Carol. Disappointing, since I love to rip human stories apart.
Good luck,
Oscar Rat
Comment Written 23-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2009
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Oscar should be out nibbling on cheese instead of harassing me, my friend. LOL Of course, the Elvis records were hidden in the golf cart...she wanted revenge, but she wasn't stupid.
Thanks for the wonderful review and all the smiles.
Carol
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That darned rat. I can't even go to the bathroom without him getting into trouble.
Charlie
Comment from dmjones
Another good one though I was little confused at the end. I'm assuming she threw some stuff with the Porshe and used the golf cart to drive away. It does give you a lot to think about.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2009
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Another good one though I was little confused at the end. I'm assuming she threw some stuff with the Porshe and used the golf cart to drive away. It does give you a lot to think about.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2009
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Donna
You assumed right. She loaded alll his precious things into the car and sent it sailing over the cliff. Thanks so much for the review. Have a great day. Carol
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Very good indeed. The revenge of the double-crossed woman and she's done it magnificently. Nicely within the limits as well. Well done.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2009
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Very good indeed. The revenge of the double-crossed woman and she's done it magnificently. Nicely within the limits as well. Well done.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2009
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Patrick
Thanks so much for your kind review. I appreciate it very much. Carol
Comment from rama devi
Second review
HI there- nice edits!
First review (THREE stars)
**This sentence seems awkward in construction-
Leaning against the Porsche, its wheels teetering dangerously near the cliff's edge, Carrie struggled with her thoughts.
This also uses gerunds and adverbs unnecessarily. For example, teetered already implies danger- so that adverb is superfluous.
Might I suggest rearranging it a bit?
Carrie struggled with her thoughts as she leaned against
the Porsche. Its wheels teetered near the cliff's edge.
**Last night,(no comma) the idea suited her,(no comma) but now in the gray light of morning, memories of their love nagged at her bleeding heart, urging her to reconsider.
**Leaving work early, she'd driven home, placing a huge bow on the car's hood before rushing inside.
Awkward tense usage and passive voicing.
Suggestion-
She'd left work early,driven home, and placed a huge bow on the car's hood before rushing inside.
** Below, also, you keep switching tenses-
She'd removed her clothing except for the lace teddy. Finding his office empty, she hurried to their bedroom, silently opening the door. Seeing him naked with a woman, her fun stopped.
Suggestion-
She'd removed her clothing except for the lace teddy. Having found his office empty, she'd hurried to their bedroom, silently opened the door, and saw him naked with a woman. Her fun had stopped.
** Carrie wanted the pain and their life,(NO COMMA) to disappear, (remove extra space) buried in the sea.
**The car, golf clubs, first edition books, everything that once meant something, plummeted toward the raging water, smashing against the rocks, bursting into flames.
Tense shift. Too many gerunds. A cluttered phrase- too much listing.
Suggestion-
The car, along with golf clubs, first edition books-everything that once meant something- had plummeted toward the raging water, smashed against the rocks, and burst into flames.
Good ending-
The sun moved from behind the clouds. Smiling, Carrie started the golf cart and drove away. It was a day for new beginnings.
I love how you used the word steel in an unique way-given that with the other allocated words, most of the entries tend to use it as part of the smashed up car.
She couldn't wait for his steel blue eyes to melt into puddles when he saw her gift.
Please do not be hurt by the honest rating. this "NEEDS WORK"- so three stars, But after tweaks, it is a five star caliber story.
Do let me know if you make changes, dear. I will be happy to re-review.
Best of luck in the contest.
Warmly,
rd
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2009
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Second review
HI there- nice edits!
First review (THREE stars)
**This sentence seems awkward in construction-
Leaning against the Porsche, its wheels teetering dangerously near the cliff's edge, Carrie struggled with her thoughts.
This also uses gerunds and adverbs unnecessarily. For example, teetered already implies danger- so that adverb is superfluous.
Might I suggest rearranging it a bit?
Carrie struggled with her thoughts as she leaned against
the Porsche. Its wheels teetered near the cliff's edge.
**Last night,(no comma) the idea suited her,(no comma) but now in the gray light of morning, memories of their love nagged at her bleeding heart, urging her to reconsider.
**Leaving work early, she'd driven home, placing a huge bow on the car's hood before rushing inside.
Awkward tense usage and passive voicing.
Suggestion-
She'd left work early,driven home, and placed a huge bow on the car's hood before rushing inside.
** Below, also, you keep switching tenses-
She'd removed her clothing except for the lace teddy. Finding his office empty, she hurried to their bedroom, silently opening the door. Seeing him naked with a woman, her fun stopped.
Suggestion-
She'd removed her clothing except for the lace teddy. Having found his office empty, she'd hurried to their bedroom, silently opened the door, and saw him naked with a woman. Her fun had stopped.
** Carrie wanted the pain and their life,(NO COMMA) to disappear, (remove extra space) buried in the sea.
**The car, golf clubs, first edition books, everything that once meant something, plummeted toward the raging water, smashing against the rocks, bursting into flames.
Tense shift. Too many gerunds. A cluttered phrase- too much listing.
Suggestion-
The car, along with golf clubs, first edition books-everything that once meant something- had plummeted toward the raging water, smashed against the rocks, and burst into flames.
Good ending-
The sun moved from behind the clouds. Smiling, Carrie started the golf cart and drove away. It was a day for new beginnings.
I love how you used the word steel in an unique way-given that with the other allocated words, most of the entries tend to use it as part of the smashed up car.
She couldn't wait for his steel blue eyes to melt into puddles when he saw her gift.
Please do not be hurt by the honest rating. this "NEEDS WORK"- so three stars, But after tweaks, it is a five star caliber story.
Do let me know if you make changes, dear. I will be happy to re-review.
Best of luck in the contest.
Warmly,
rd
Comment Written 23-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2009
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Rama Devi
No offense taken...In the early light of morning, I too could see my errors. I had to watch my word count so I was careful with my corrections. Separating sentences gave me extra words, but I illiminated some to. I think it flows better now. Thank you so much for taking the time. I do appreciate it. Sometimes when other things are on our minds and we rush to do something else....well, haste makes waste and in this case errors. Thanks so much. Have a great day! Carol
Comment from Suzie B
Ah ... sweet satisfaction...well done my dear friend!
Something so very satisfying reading your stories of revenge...this is Priceless!
Every thing he cherished gone!...Pity he didn't value his vows as highly as his golf clubs...lol.
Wonderful use of the prompted words required hon...best of luck in the contest.
Hugs
Suzie
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2009
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Ah ... sweet satisfaction...well done my dear friend!
Something so very satisfying reading your stories of revenge...this is Priceless!
Every thing he cherished gone!...Pity he didn't value his vows as highly as his golf clubs...lol.
Wonderful use of the prompted words required hon...best of luck in the contest.
Hugs
Suzie
Comment Written 23-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2009
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Suzie
Hello my friend. Glad to see you stopping by and catching one of my stories. Thanks so much for the great review. Hope all lis going well with you. Carol
