Flash Fiction
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Playing By The Rules"Collection of Flash, Micro, etc.
56 total reviews
Comment from Somer
Wow really good job! SO Colin told her James was dead, and married her? Wow...that was so unexpected! Great job! Had me interested!:D Good luck on the contest.
Thanks,
Somer
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Wow really good job! SO Colin told her James was dead, and married her? Wow...that was so unexpected! Great job! Had me interested!:D Good luck on the contest.
Thanks,
Somer
Comment Written 18-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Somer
Thank you so much for the kind review. I'm glad you enjoyed it and that the ending was a surprise. Appreciate your kindness. Carol
Comment from rmdelta
Begin Again,
this was a nicely written story, as well as being an excellent contest entry. Great descriptives throughout and terrific dialogue, realistic and believable. Well done.
Reggie
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Begin Again,
this was a nicely written story, as well as being an excellent contest entry. Great descriptives throughout and terrific dialogue, realistic and believable. Well done.
Reggie
Comment Written 18-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Reggie
Thanks for reading and reviewing. I am glad you enjoyed the story. Carol
Comment from Kathryn Varuzza
What a shocking and great story.
You are such a good storyteller.
Great action, descriptions, and characters.
Great surprise ending.
Amazing in its brevity, and completeness in so few words.
Good luck in the contest.
Kathryn
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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What a shocking and great story.
You are such a good storyteller.
Great action, descriptions, and characters.
Great surprise ending.
Amazing in its brevity, and completeness in so few words.
Good luck in the contest.
Kathryn
Comment Written 18-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Kathryn
Glad you enjoyed the story. I have a difficult time trying to put a whole story into a few words. I'm always afraid the emotions won't show. Thanks for the kind review and the wishes. Take care. Carol
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Well Carol,
You did a great job.
Kathryn
Comment from Phil Kitom
What a sneaky way of depriving someone
of the woman you love. You have told this
well in this flash fiction contest and
no one would blame him giving the guy a
punch on the nose... Well done carol
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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What a sneaky way of depriving someone
of the woman you love. You have told this
well in this flash fiction contest and
no one would blame him giving the guy a
punch on the nose... Well done carol
Comment Written 18-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Phil Thanks so much for the review. I think Colin might have had something to do with that set up in France too. Evil man! Glad you liked the story. Take care Carol
Comment from OldVet
I'm not sure which is better. Technically speaking, you're quoting the line in the paper. So, ??
Just a thought:
It was Saturday. Carrie was a creature of habit. She'd be there for confession.
A creature of habit, Carrie attended confession every Saturday. Knowing she'd appear soon, he waited. No one on the busy streets would notice a man sitting on a park bench, reading a newspaper.
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Good. Very realistic.
As pointed out by another reviewer, use of active voice would tighten up some of the sentences. There also is a long stretch of dialogue with no speech tags or speaker action to designate who's speaking and I tended to lose track of who's speaking.
Suggestions:
You can take a long[-]deserved vacation."
Carrie's smiling face was staring at him [passive]
Carrie's smiling face stared at him [active]
People were throwing rice at the bride and groom. Cameras were snapping everywhere. [passive]
People threw rice at the bride and groom as cameras snapped everywhere. [active]
"Senator's daughter marries FBI Director today[.]" [Periods and commas go inside "]
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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I'm not sure which is better. Technically speaking, you're quoting the line in the paper. So, ??
Just a thought:
It was Saturday. Carrie was a creature of habit. She'd be there for confession.
A creature of habit, Carrie attended confession every Saturday. Knowing she'd appear soon, he waited. No one on the busy streets would notice a man sitting on a park bench, reading a newspaper.
********************
Good. Very realistic.
As pointed out by another reviewer, use of active voice would tighten up some of the sentences. There also is a long stretch of dialogue with no speech tags or speaker action to designate who's speaking and I tended to lose track of who's speaking.
Suggestions:
You can take a long[-]deserved vacation."
Carrie's smiling face was staring at him [passive]
Carrie's smiling face stared at him [active]
People were throwing rice at the bride and groom. Cameras were snapping everywhere. [passive]
People threw rice at the bride and groom as cameras snapped everywhere. [active]
"Senator's daughter marries FBI Director today[.]" [Periods and commas go inside "]
Comment Written 18-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
I tried to refer to Colin in James' conversations as much as possible to eliminate the confusion. I put the newspaper heading in Italics to eliminate the quotation marks. I also have changed the ending a bit to show more emotions. If you get a chance, take another look and let me know what you think. Thanks for the great review. Carol
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
This is a great flash fiction story!
Colin is the proverbial manipulative creep.
After the first few lines I got the sence that Colin had not told Carrie that James was in fact alive, and that James was therefore being set up, whilst the field was cleared for Colin to make a move. Has anyone else mentioned this? The storyline is great, but you don't want anyone to be able to guess what is going on, before you are ready to reveal it.
Best of luck in the contest.
Juliette
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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This is a great flash fiction story!
Colin is the proverbial manipulative creep.
After the first few lines I got the sence that Colin had not told Carrie that James was in fact alive, and that James was therefore being set up, whilst the field was cleared for Colin to make a move. Has anyone else mentioned this? The storyline is great, but you don't want anyone to be able to guess what is going on, before you are ready to reveal it.
Best of luck in the contest.
Juliette
Comment Written 18-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Juliette
No one else has suggested they expected the ending. Can you tell me what made you think that the FBI director was betraying James? I also changed the ending to show more emotions. If you get a chance, check it out and let me know what you think, please. Thanks for the review and your comments. Carol
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Maybe Carol, it is just that I unknowingly look for the motive behind the words rather than actually concentrating on the words themselves.
(I unerringly know the culpit in most TV stories and films, unless the red herrings are deliberately just too numerous)
So don't worry too much that I have picked up on this. On the other hand, maybe for reprint it might.
Will go back and read ending.
J
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Yes the ending reads much better now. James comes over more as a real person with normal reactions, rather than a man of straw or a doormat.
Go get him James! You might even get to console the bride.
J.
Comment from L.lora
typo=""[You] willing to risk her life?""
Carol, this is excellent but I want to see the reaction to his showing up at the church. I want him to get some closure or something...shoot! An easy read that moves the reader through without a problem. Very enjoyable and definitely leaves the reader wanting more, the ending is an unexpected twist; never saw it coming. Lora
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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typo=""[You] willing to risk her life?""
Carol, this is excellent but I want to see the reaction to his showing up at the church. I want him to get some closure or something...shoot! An easy read that moves the reader through without a problem. Very enjoyable and definitely leaves the reader wanting more, the ending is an unexpected twist; never saw it coming. Lora
Comment Written 18-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Lora
I changed the last two paragraphs...If you can, take a look and let me know what you think now. Thanks for the kind review. I appreciate it. Carol
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Carol, I like that much better, it sounds more true to life. Not many would have let that pass. Excellent on your rewrite... Lora
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Surprising what a good night's sleep can do for you. Thanks for reading it again. Carol
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No problem, glad to do it. I always appreciate it when someone tells me I need to revise or whatever. Doesn't mean I always agree..LOL..but its nice to know someone cares enough to say something. Have a great day..
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That's what I hope we are all here for...to help each other achieve that ultimate goal...If people don't enjoy your writing, it loses much of its purpose. Have a fantastic day. Carol
Comment from Suzie B
Carol...wham bam slam...you got me...I didn't see this coming at all....well done and in your wonderful fast paced totally believable style. Nasty ol' Colin taking advantage of poor grieving Carrie...Wonder how the Hell his Boss is gonna talk his way outta this one....heh he, makes for a wonderful wedding night scenario...lol...I am wicked, but you could have some real fun with the old one in one door and the other in the closet routine...
great entry Carol..I so enjoy your work.
hugs
Suzie
Had a look and love the changes...The tomorrows headlines piece is priceless... You may like to look at the Font size though sweetie...the last two paragraphs are showing a different font from the rest of the story.
hugs
Suzie
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Carol...wham bam slam...you got me...I didn't see this coming at all....well done and in your wonderful fast paced totally believable style. Nasty ol' Colin taking advantage of poor grieving Carrie...Wonder how the Hell his Boss is gonna talk his way outta this one....heh he, makes for a wonderful wedding night scenario...lol...I am wicked, but you could have some real fun with the old one in one door and the other in the closet routine...
great entry Carol..I so enjoy your work.
hugs
Suzie
Had a look and love the changes...The tomorrows headlines piece is priceless... You may like to look at the Font size though sweetie...the last two paragraphs are showing a different font from the rest of the story.
hugs
Suzie
Comment Written 18-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Suzie
Thanks for stopping by and reading. I changed the last two paragraphs this morning so it would have James showing more emotions. If you get a chance, let me know what you think. Take care Carol
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi Carol,
I thought this short had really good dialog and a nice twist at the end. Though I would have liked to have felt a bit more anger or emotion from James, felt a bit more angst, here are the other things that I noticed,
James was pacing as he talked to his boss.
(I've really adopted the whole active verse passive action... would recommend "James paced as he talked
I'm going to be tied up all weekend, but Monday, I'll get Tanner to cover for you
(I know it's dialog, but as a short, you might be able to cut the round about way that Colin says I'm going to be all tied up to simply... I'll be tied up all weekend...
It was Saturday. Carrie was a creature of habit. She'd be there for confession. The streets were busy today. No one would notice a man sitting on a park bench, reading a newspaper.
(I liked the thoughts and the setting, but found all the stopping choppy, what if you linked some of those sentences together...
It was Saturday and Carrie was a creature of habit. She'd be there for confession. The streets were busy, so no one would notice a....
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Hi Carol,
I thought this short had really good dialog and a nice twist at the end. Though I would have liked to have felt a bit more anger or emotion from James, felt a bit more angst, here are the other things that I noticed,
James was pacing as he talked to his boss.
(I've really adopted the whole active verse passive action... would recommend "James paced as he talked
I'm going to be tied up all weekend, but Monday, I'll get Tanner to cover for you
(I know it's dialog, but as a short, you might be able to cut the round about way that Colin says I'm going to be all tied up to simply... I'll be tied up all weekend...
It was Saturday. Carrie was a creature of habit. She'd be there for confession. The streets were busy today. No one would notice a man sitting on a park bench, reading a newspaper.
(I liked the thoughts and the setting, but found all the stopping choppy, what if you linked some of those sentences together...
It was Saturday and Carrie was a creature of habit. She'd be there for confession. The streets were busy, so no one would notice a....
Comment Written 18-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Turtlestage
My nemesis! You push me to be so much more...I have changed the last two paragraphs so show more emotion. Take a look if you can and tell me what you think. I always appreciate your comments. Even when it means more work for me. LOL Glad to hear from you again. Carol
Oh no, now I'm a nemesis, : 0
I do like the grittier ending. : )
take care.
T
Comment from another jim
Well-written story! Kept me engaged right to the finish. The ending came out of nowhere, a great surprise. What a way to find out you've been had...
Nice work, Begin Again. Good luck in the contest...Jim.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2009
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Well-written story! Kept me engaged right to the finish. The ending came out of nowhere, a great surprise. What a way to find out you've been had...
Nice work, Begin Again. Good luck in the contest...Jim.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2009
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Jim Thanks for the great review. I am glad that you enjoyed the story. Thanks again for your kind comments. Carol
