Flash Fiction
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Playing By The Rules"Collection of Flash, Micro, etc.
56 total reviews
Comment from c_lucas
Just in the hospital? The liar is getting off easy. This is very well written with a very good twist at the end. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Just in the hospital? The liar is getting off easy. This is very well written with a very good twist at the end. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Charlie I think I ran out of words or he would be hurting a lot worse. Thanks for the review. Greatly appreciate it. Carol
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Remember Eccl. 9:10. Now, I'm giving you homework assignments.
Comment from lucia
Hi Begin Again! Aren't you the tricky one? I really loved this story, and found the ending wonderful! I must be honest, as I read this story I never anticipated the ending! This, in my humble opinion is what makes this story delightful and catchy.
Colin, the Director of the FBI, was a nasty creature of deceit. James, bless his heart, had been locked out for nine months undercover, waiting in anticipation of his seeing Carrie again.
He must have been a "good sort", because it never, for one minute occurred to him that Colin was lying to him. The fact that Colin suggested sending Tanner down as a brother, and telling James, "just give it one more week, okay?" ... what a scheme!
Your ending was, as I stated, "wonderful". "Wedding Crasher Puts Groom In Hospital". I would have to say that James was on another undercover mission, no? Hahahaha .. Good luck in this contest. Lucia
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Hi Begin Again! Aren't you the tricky one? I really loved this story, and found the ending wonderful! I must be honest, as I read this story I never anticipated the ending! This, in my humble opinion is what makes this story delightful and catchy.
Colin, the Director of the FBI, was a nasty creature of deceit. James, bless his heart, had been locked out for nine months undercover, waiting in anticipation of his seeing Carrie again.
He must have been a "good sort", because it never, for one minute occurred to him that Colin was lying to him. The fact that Colin suggested sending Tanner down as a brother, and telling James, "just give it one more week, okay?" ... what a scheme!
Your ending was, as I stated, "wonderful". "Wedding Crasher Puts Groom In Hospital". I would have to say that James was on another undercover mission, no? Hahahaha .. Good luck in this contest. Lucia
Comment Written 18-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Lucia
Thank you so much for the awesome review. I think if I could have used more words, Colin would be worse off. Wonder what Carrie's reaction would have been. Maybe she'd have killed her husband that night??? Thanks again Carol
Comment from learning_to_write
THis is a really good story, and I liked the way you tied in the ending sentence, did not expect the twist at the end, Very clever and well written.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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THis is a really good story, and I liked the way you tied in the ending sentence, did not expect the twist at the end, Very clever and well written.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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learning to write
Thanks so much for the wonderful review. I am glad that you were surprised. A little extra gift after reading, I guess. Thanks again Carol
Comment from Thesis
My ending would have been: Cuban mafia shoots FBI director below the belt. Wedding canceled! LOL
A cool story. You set it up well. Can you imagine there are people like this out there? Hahaha. - Thesis
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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My ending would have been: Cuban mafia shoots FBI director below the belt. Wedding canceled! LOL
A cool story. You set it up well. Can you imagine there are people like this out there? Hahaha. - Thesis
Comment Written 18-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Thesis Unfortunately you are right. Some people think the end justifies the means. Thanks for the kind review. I appreciate it very much. Carol
Comment from frazzledauthor
You certainly know how to pack a lot into a short story! The story drew me right in and then I got "smacked" in the face with a surprise ending. Also, the ending left me wanting to know more. I loved this. I especially like surprise endings and not having everything neatly tied up at the end.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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You certainly know how to pack a lot into a short story! The story drew me right in and then I got "smacked" in the face with a surprise ending. Also, the ending left me wanting to know more. I loved this. I especially like surprise endings and not having everything neatly tied up at the end.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Frazzled author
Glad you liked the story. I wanted to expand but that ole silly rule of only so many words held me back. Thanks for the kind review. Carol
Comment from adewpearl
he'd went from the hospital should be he'd gone
The church bells rnag typo alert rang
He folded the paper and left in on the bench typo left it
Excellent story that adheres to the minimum words, maximum effect rule of the flash fiction contest well - much of what the reader needs to know comes out in dialogue extremely well, and the rest of the back story is made clear without an excess of explanation at all - what a double crosser Colin turns out to be. One can just feel James seething in the end after his having spent almost a year being the victim of Colin's most elaborate and cruel set up. Good story! Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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he'd went from the hospital should be he'd gone
The church bells rnag typo alert rang
He folded the paper and left in on the bench typo left it
Excellent story that adheres to the minimum words, maximum effect rule of the flash fiction contest well - much of what the reader needs to know comes out in dialogue extremely well, and the rest of the back story is made clear without an excess of explanation at all - what a double crosser Colin turns out to be. One can just feel James seething in the end after his having spent almost a year being the victim of Colin's most elaborate and cruel set up. Good story! Brooke :-)
Comment Written 18-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Brooke I went back and changed the ending this morning and guess I was in too big of a hurry. Serves me right! Thanks for catching those mistakes and I shall correct them asap. I am glad that you enjoyed it. I think if the story was longer Colin would have a lot to answer for....Thanks again Carol
Comment from Nanny 6
You created a great twist to this story, leaving me as angry as James. Great story. I enjoyed it very much. Good luck in the contest. Judy
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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You created a great twist to this story, leaving me as angry as James. Great story. I enjoyed it very much. Good luck in the contest. Judy
Comment Written 18-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Judy
Thanks for the great review. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. Carol
Comment from fictionwriter
Wouldn't that be the ultimate betrayal. I'd probably feel the same, but I'd let her know what kind of man she'd married. Well done.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Wouldn't that be the ultimate betrayal. I'd probably feel the same, but I'd let her know what kind of man she'd married. Well done.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Fictionwriter
I believe she will know when she sees James is not dead. And I am sure he won't leave the incident in France alone either. My guess is that in the end Colin will be doing some jail time or at least, he'll feel safer there than with James after him. Thanks for the review. Carol
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
This was a very enjoyable read I would like to see a continuation to know how he gate crashes the wedding and gets his revenge very well done on your contest entry it was easy to follow and I enjoyed regards Fuller
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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This was a very enjoyable read I would like to see a continuation to know how he gate crashes the wedding and gets his revenge very well done on your contest entry it was easy to follow and I enjoyed regards Fuller
Comment Written 18-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Fuller...He was headed across the street to the bride and groom standing on the steps. Pow...right in front of a crowd full of people. Remember most of them will be FBI and they think James is dead. Should prove exciting! Thanks for the review. Carol
Comment from perunest
An interesting story with a good twist at the end.
I have a couple of suggestions for the following sentences. (My suggestions are in parentheses.)
"The church bells (rang) were ringing. People (gathered) were gathering on the church steps."
"Carrie's smiling face (stared)was staring at him from the social section."
These small changes make the action more dynamic and bring the reader into the story more.
(I'd think he'd want to murder the Director and not just put him in the hospital!)
Nice work! Carolyn
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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An interesting story with a good twist at the end.
I have a couple of suggestions for the following sentences. (My suggestions are in parentheses.)
"The church bells (rang) were ringing. People (gathered) were gathering on the church steps."
"Carrie's smiling face (stared)was staring at him from the social section."
These small changes make the action more dynamic and bring the reader into the story more.
(I'd think he'd want to murder the Director and not just put him in the hospital!)
Nice work! Carolyn
Comment Written 18-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Carolyn...I thought I had changed those suggestions once but I must not have saved them. They are corrected now, I hope. He probably does want to murder him...but I don't think he wasnt to be in jail. If he can prove the connection in France, Colin will go to jail. Thanks for the review. I greatly appreciate your time and comments. Carol
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I'd love to see you make this into a short story so I can get to know more about the characters and all the action that's been alluded to.
Carolyn
