Ode to Luna
a paean to the moon18 total reviews
Comment from words
Loved the visual that you chose.
Especially liked your ending lines:But I prefer the nighttime dim and dark
For Luna works her magic charms on me
I sit and watch the pigeons in the park
Before the street lamp strikes a mark on me
I pray for those lost souls who are afraid
Please, Luna, give them what they need and aid.
I love the night!
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2009
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Loved the visual that you chose.
Especially liked your ending lines:But I prefer the nighttime dim and dark
For Luna works her magic charms on me
I sit and watch the pigeons in the park
Before the street lamp strikes a mark on me
I pray for those lost souls who are afraid
Please, Luna, give them what they need and aid.
I love the night!
Comment Written 25-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2009
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Yes, I rather like that ending, too. It took me quite a while to come up with it. Thanks for a good review.
Comment from Rightwriter
Beautifully done! Praying to help others out of their fears that they may be able to experience what you do is awesome. The poem flows so nicely and meets well with the contest requirements. Good luck in the contest with a great entry piece!
Donna
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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Beautifully done! Praying to help others out of their fears that they may be able to experience what you do is awesome. The poem flows so nicely and meets well with the contest requirements. Good luck in the contest with a great entry piece!
Donna
Comment Written 23-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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Thanks for a great review!
Comment from RenieReader
Very good sonnet, Alvin. I loved the imagery of the soul awaiting the Lunar pull and hoping his wishes will come true as he waits in the night. Good luck in the contest.
Renie
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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Very good sonnet, Alvin. I loved the imagery of the soul awaiting the Lunar pull and hoping his wishes will come true as he waits in the night. Good luck in the contest.
Renie
Comment Written 22-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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Yes, that is the image I wanted to convey. Thanks for a great review.
Comment from jshep
A lovely interpretation of lunar's sorcery, Al. Love the added whimsy with the influence of the fairys. I did find two lines out of meter, IMHO.
and blue MOONs DIsapPEAR from the NIGHT sky; might suggest something like: and MOONS of BLUE disBAND in NIGHTly SKY.
unTIL the GRANdiOSE SUN shall aRISE; might suggest something like - unTIL the SUN so GRANdiOSE shall RISE.
and aid seemed to me like it should be: IN AID.
Other than the meter this was an excellent sonnet describing your preferences in the moon's influence. Joyce
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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A lovely interpretation of lunar's sorcery, Al. Love the added whimsy with the influence of the fairys. I did find two lines out of meter, IMHO.
and blue MOONs DIsapPEAR from the NIGHT sky; might suggest something like: and MOONS of BLUE disBAND in NIGHTly SKY.
unTIL the GRANdiOSE SUN shall aRISE; might suggest something like - unTIL the SUN so GRANdiOSE shall RISE.
and aid seemed to me like it should be: IN AID.
Other than the meter this was an excellent sonnet describing your preferences in the moon's influence. Joyce
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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You are right; I need to pay more attention to meter. Thank you for pointing that out to me and for this review.
Comment from womanwriter
Dear Al;
Beautiful is the only word I can come up with - so visually strong and moving. This piece would be my choice for the contest, simply because EVERYONE can relate to the powers of the moon. That and the fact that it is SO powerfully written.
Best of luck in all your writing endeavors.
Sincerely,
Womanwriter
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2009
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Dear Al;
Beautiful is the only word I can come up with - so visually strong and moving. This piece would be my choice for the contest, simply because EVERYONE can relate to the powers of the moon. That and the fact that it is SO powerfully written.
Best of luck in all your writing endeavors.
Sincerely,
Womanwriter
Comment Written 08-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2009
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Thank you for your advice. I was leaning toward this one, but you know the preference today is for non-rhyming poems. Your help has been of great value. Thanks for a good review.
Comment from Domino
Hi, Al
Just one line needs some work, IMHO;
'And blue moons disappear from the night sky' - I feel 'the' syllable neds be emphasised more, and anyway, 'the' is rather a wasted word here.
I'd suggest, with respect, something like;
'And blue moons disappear from 'RAV-en' sky
A little stacatto in parts, but nice enough.
Best wishes, ray xx
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2009
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Hi, Al
Just one line needs some work, IMHO;
'And blue moons disappear from the night sky' - I feel 'the' syllable neds be emphasised more, and anyway, 'the' is rather a wasted word here.
I'd suggest, with respect, something like;
'And blue moons disappear from 'RAV-en' sky
A little stacatto in parts, but nice enough.
Best wishes, ray xx
Comment Written 04-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2009
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Thanks for the suggestion. I'll consider it.
Comment from babylonia
such a wonderful tribute to such a beautiful site. the moon was exceptionally wonderful yesterday. made me smile. easy to read and follow. no spaggies. imagery is excellent. smooth rhyme and meter.
good luck~
love,
barbara
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2009
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such a wonderful tribute to such a beautiful site. the moon was exceptionally wonderful yesterday. made me smile. easy to read and follow. no spaggies. imagery is excellent. smooth rhyme and meter.
good luck~
love,
barbara
Comment Written 04-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2009
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Thanks for such a great review. I truly appreciate it.
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you are welcome~
Comment from Susanne M. Psyris
Al, this is truly a finely written English Sonnet...meter is spot on throughout and the subject of the contest is well expressed. My favorite verse is the second (emphasis on the first two lines! Very nice...). The ending couplet is very strong and quite good. Nice job. Love, Susanne
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2009
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Al, this is truly a finely written English Sonnet...meter is spot on throughout and the subject of the contest is well expressed. My favorite verse is the second (emphasis on the first two lines! Very nice...). The ending couplet is very strong and quite good. Nice job. Love, Susanne
Comment Written 04-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2009
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I have been pleasantly surprised by the reviews this has received. It was incredibly difficult to write and I didn't know how readers would feel with the final product. Thanks for a great review.
Comment from Judian James
This is excellent Alvin. A little dark, yes pun intended, but a very good read. I love pieces about the moon and you looked to the dark side and carried it off beautifully
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2009
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This is excellent Alvin. A little dark, yes pun intended, but a very good read. I love pieces about the moon and you looked to the dark side and carried it off beautifully
Comment Written 03-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2009
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Thank you for such a generous review. I truly appreciate it.
Comment from Joan E.
I enjoyed your strong meter and rhymes and was especially captivated by the description "before the street lamps strike a mark on me," being so unusually tangible. (I was confused by "one" in the fourth line--should it be "on"?) You chose the perfect title, picture and colors to accompany your expressive English sonnet.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2009
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I enjoyed your strong meter and rhymes and was especially captivated by the description "before the street lamps strike a mark on me," being so unusually tangible. (I was confused by "one" in the fourth line--should it be "on"?) You chose the perfect title, picture and colors to accompany your expressive English sonnet.
Comment Written 03-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2009
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No, it should be "ones"--I can't even edit my own work! Thank you for such a strong review.
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The hardest job is editing our own work, because we know what we want to communicate and the mind's eye reads it correctly. Thanks for the feedback and clarification. -Joan
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The hardest job is editing our own work, because we know what we want to communicate and the mind's eye reads it correctly. Thanks for the feedback and clarification. -Joan
