The Pit
Madness or justice ?41 total reviews
Comment from A. R. Braun
Oh my God, that was awesome! I really liked it because you were original and didn't use vampires or werewolves or zombies. No need to say pardon for the violence. It's just a story. The comeuppance at the end made the piece. Good job.
A. R. Braun
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2009
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Oh my God, that was awesome! I really liked it because you were original and didn't use vampires or werewolves or zombies. No need to say pardon for the violence. It's just a story. The comeuppance at the end made the piece. Good job.
A. R. Braun
Comment Written 08-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2009
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Thanks so much for taking the time to read and review my work. I am so glad that you liked it. Though I love to read about vampires and werewolves, I very seldom write about them - there's so much reality that fits the bill of a horror story, I generally just pull from that. Glad you liked the end - I was a bit nervous about that, but haven't caught any flack from anybody about yet ... whew!
have a great week - sherry
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You're welcome!
Yes, I agree! Truth is stranger than fiction.
A. R.
Comment from tammipratt
Hi sherry - after reading I took a quick look at some other reviews and got the history behind the writing in this story - your lost dog and companion. This is a terrifying truth that you write about here (dog fightin), and meshing that together with your past pain, I hope this has been a very cathartic exercise for you. (I know it would have been for me) A very gory end for the man - an eye for an eye really. Well done with the write. A really appropriate topic, even though confronting. I wish you all the best in the contest.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009
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Hi sherry - after reading I took a quick look at some other reviews and got the history behind the writing in this story - your lost dog and companion. This is a terrifying truth that you write about here (dog fightin), and meshing that together with your past pain, I hope this has been a very cathartic exercise for you. (I know it would have been for me) A very gory end for the man - an eye for an eye really. Well done with the write. A really appropriate topic, even though confronting. I wish you all the best in the contest.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009
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Evening Tammi - thanks for taking the time to read and review my story. I suppose that I should have included some of the background for this in the author's notes (I may go in and change sometime down the road). I, too, am hoping that it will help me sleep a bit better at night. We'll see ...
Thanks again for reading - sherry
Comment from Psychonaut X
Excellent story! And the gore was what I hoped it would be. A 5 star rating indicates that I feel no revisions are needed, but I actually think a few minor ones would enhance the story, so I gave it a four. Actually it's a 4.5 or even 4.75.
My main point of contention was the fact that this person was willing to give up everything - her business, her house, her man - all to find a dog. Now, I know people form very deep bonds and relationships with animals, particularly pets. They are often considered as family members. But very few people, if any, would be willing to go to the lengths that Cassie did to find out what happened to their dog. Why did she go to such great lengths? You used a little over 3300 words to tell the story. At an upper limit of 7000 words, there was plenty of room to provide some backstory as to why this dog was so special to Cassie. Did the dog save her life at some point? Was it a reminder of somebody special from her past?
Now for what I liked:
I really liked the way you cut from the current situation to the film scenes and back again. It worked very effectively. And showing the dog fight promoter the headlines from the newspapers at the end was a real nice touch. I also enjoyed your use of phonetically rendered dialog during the comments among the men at the dog fight. Your inclusion of facts about wolf behavior (I'm assuming they were facts, I didn't look them up...but they sounded right and your screen name IS sherrygreywolf, after all) lent credibility to the story.
All in all, an excellent job. I really enjoyed it. Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009
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Excellent story! And the gore was what I hoped it would be. A 5 star rating indicates that I feel no revisions are needed, but I actually think a few minor ones would enhance the story, so I gave it a four. Actually it's a 4.5 or even 4.75.
My main point of contention was the fact that this person was willing to give up everything - her business, her house, her man - all to find a dog. Now, I know people form very deep bonds and relationships with animals, particularly pets. They are often considered as family members. But very few people, if any, would be willing to go to the lengths that Cassie did to find out what happened to their dog. Why did she go to such great lengths? You used a little over 3300 words to tell the story. At an upper limit of 7000 words, there was plenty of room to provide some backstory as to why this dog was so special to Cassie. Did the dog save her life at some point? Was it a reminder of somebody special from her past?
Now for what I liked:
I really liked the way you cut from the current situation to the film scenes and back again. It worked very effectively. And showing the dog fight promoter the headlines from the newspapers at the end was a real nice touch. I also enjoyed your use of phonetically rendered dialog during the comments among the men at the dog fight. Your inclusion of facts about wolf behavior (I'm assuming they were facts, I didn't look them up...but they sounded right and your screen name IS sherrygreywolf, after all) lent credibility to the story.
All in all, an excellent job. I really enjoyed it. Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009
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Thanks so much for taking the time to read and review my story, The Pit. I appreciated your comments (both positive and negative) and also your explanation as to why your felt it needed some improvement.
I am glad you caught the wolf behavior facts - I'm not sure anyone else really paid that much attention to them, but I do what I can to pass on knowledge about these magnificant animals.
As far as the background for Cassie's actions, I did consider making this a more in depth piece. I changed my mind when I couldn't get it to work without taking away from the impact of the story as it is now written.
I have given a bit of information about the basis for this story in the answers to a couple of the other reviews. Much of what Cassie said in her dialogue to the pit fight promoter is based on what happened after we lost our hybrid. If you would like a more in depth answer to the complicated relationship that I had with my wolf, Kimba (the model for Shadow) and our search for her, please feel free to PM me.
thanks again for reading - sherry
Comment from Andrew Lee Austin
I thought that was brilliant. Was hooked all the way through, that would make a great short film. You described the viciousness of the dog-fighting well, really wince-inducing.
Nice one.
Andrew.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009
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I thought that was brilliant. Was hooked all the way through, that would make a great short film. You described the viciousness of the dog-fighting well, really wince-inducing.
Nice one.
Andrew.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009
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Morning Andrew - thanks for taking the time to read and review my story. It is a horrible subject and made an easy write for the gory horror contest. I appreciate you saying it might make a good short film - that's a great compliment.
again - thanks - have a great day - sherry
Comment from Colin Douglas
Don't apologize for the violence when it fits the story, and in this case it does. You've written this very well, right from the opening.
I started to think it was going to have a moral, which annoyed me, but when it turned out that your main character had captured the promoter it became apparent that it was only your character that had the preachy nature and therefore your own view wasn't a part of the story.
Some technical things: In the paragraph when the first of the two pitbulls were killed, you have "His shallow breathes..." It should be "breaths."
"The dog's head reached past the patrolman's waist and it's head was as board as a nearby newspaper rack." I think you mean "broad as a..." Also try "THE nearby newspaper rack."
Also, I found it hard to believe that the two pitbulls could be counted on to team up against the half-wolf. Especially, if they were having difficulty catching her, I would expect them to fight amongst themselves.
In all this was enjoyable. Thanks for sharing.
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reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009
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Don't apologize for the violence when it fits the story, and in this case it does. You've written this very well, right from the opening.
I started to think it was going to have a moral, which annoyed me, but when it turned out that your main character had captured the promoter it became apparent that it was only your character that had the preachy nature and therefore your own view wasn't a part of the story.
Some technical things: In the paragraph when the first of the two pitbulls were killed, you have "His shallow breathes..." It should be "breaths."
"The dog's head reached past the patrolman's waist and it's head was as board as a nearby newspaper rack." I think you mean "broad as a..." Also try "THE nearby newspaper rack."
Also, I found it hard to believe that the two pitbulls could be counted on to team up against the half-wolf. Especially, if they were having difficulty catching her, I would expect them to fight amongst themselves.
In all this was enjoyable. Thanks for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009
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Colin - thanks so much for taking the time to read and review my story. Those typos you caught had been missed by both myself and other reviewers - so thank you for helping me improve the overall content of the piece.
It is true that many times the two pits would have chosen to fight each other, however just as often pit bulls will chose to turn on the dog that is different, especially if it is a high-percentage wolf-hybrid. I chose to use that scenario in this story.
Again - thanks for catching the typos and taking the time to read the story.
glad you enjoyed it - sherry
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I didn't think it impossible for them to both go after the hybrid. I just got the impression that the promoter was counting on it--as if he knew it would happen this way, and I thought that was taking a chance. Its a small thing, anyway.
Comment from jojosug
Well you certainly meet the requirements of the story, it was both horrifying, riveting and very unique. This is a very strong competition entry and an absolutely brilliant story. Well deserving of a six.
Jo
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009
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Well you certainly meet the requirements of the story, it was both horrifying, riveting and very unique. This is a very strong competition entry and an absolutely brilliant story. Well deserving of a six.
Jo
Comment Written 08-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009
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Morning Jo - thank you so much for one of those elusive sixes. I am happy that you think it is one of the more competitive entries - hopefully some of the voters will agree with you :)
thanks for taking the time to read and review - sherry
Comment from rmdelta
Sherry, this was terrific, my dear friend. Excellent descriptives throughout the story and the dialogue, while one sided, was outstanding. This is a great contest entry and one the rest of entries have to beat. well done
Reggie
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009
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Sherry, this was terrific, my dear friend. Excellent descriptives throughout the story and the dialogue, while one sided, was outstanding. This is a great contest entry and one the rest of entries have to beat. well done
Reggie
Comment Written 08-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009
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Good morning Reggie - Glad you liked the story. And yeah - conversation with someone who's gagged does tend to be a bit one-sided.
thanks for taking the time to read and review - sherry
Comment from tkmartin
An interesting format, but I think it worked well. Very suitable to the contest with excellent tension and flow. Great work. Good luck!
cheers
:)TK
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009
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An interesting format, but I think it worked well. Very suitable to the contest with excellent tension and flow. Great work. Good luck!
cheers
:)TK
Comment Written 08-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009
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Thanks TK for taking the time to read and review my story. I wasn't sure about the formatting, but I was at a loss to figure out a different way to do it. Glad you thought it worked. I appreciate your kind words.
have a great week - sherry
Comment from The Rivaling Mimic
You know I have to comment on that art...it's suiting and awesome all in one. I suppose the contest chose it, am I right? Anyway, loved the storyline and think you should do okay in the contest. I have noticed no room for improvement.
The Rivaling Mimic
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009
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You know I have to comment on that art...it's suiting and awesome all in one. I suppose the contest chose it, am I right? Anyway, loved the storyline and think you should do okay in the contest. I have noticed no room for improvement.
The Rivaling Mimic
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009
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Evening, Friend - I didn't pick the artwork and am not real sure it works with my story, but it IS interesting. Glad you liked the storyline and hope you're right about the contest.
Have a great evening - sherry
Comment from LexieMannix
Fast, hard, superb writing. Best horror I've read on site yet. I thoroughly enjoyed the way you split the story into the two settings, and you did it so expertly. I used that technique in my novels and I loved it. The duel opportunity to portray a story through paralleled settings, to promote the link and action, is a lot of fun to write--and challenging to get just right.
Your descriptions were exact and so impressive on every level; every aching bit of me wanted the dogs to be rescued. Your descriptions of the wolf dog, in particular, were superb. I felt all of her intelligence and pride. Such impressive writing. Your highlights of the dog fight trade were raw and necessarily vivid (it's one of the main reasons this worked so well, make no apologies) and hugley impactual as an awareness issue--good for you, and done so well.
The whole write dripped atmosphere, tension, shame, and intrigue. You built to the end perfectly ... and what a top twist and ending.
I'll keep raving on, so I'll shut up. Fantastic entry, all the best in the comp. I admire your writing very much. Thanks for the top read. A Six.
Lexie
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009
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Fast, hard, superb writing. Best horror I've read on site yet. I thoroughly enjoyed the way you split the story into the two settings, and you did it so expertly. I used that technique in my novels and I loved it. The duel opportunity to portray a story through paralleled settings, to promote the link and action, is a lot of fun to write--and challenging to get just right.
Your descriptions were exact and so impressive on every level; every aching bit of me wanted the dogs to be rescued. Your descriptions of the wolf dog, in particular, were superb. I felt all of her intelligence and pride. Such impressive writing. Your highlights of the dog fight trade were raw and necessarily vivid (it's one of the main reasons this worked so well, make no apologies) and hugley impactual as an awareness issue--good for you, and done so well.
The whole write dripped atmosphere, tension, shame, and intrigue. You built to the end perfectly ... and what a top twist and ending.
I'll keep raving on, so I'll shut up. Fantastic entry, all the best in the comp. I admire your writing very much. Thanks for the top read. A Six.
Lexie
Comment Written 08-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009
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Lexie - I can't thank you enough for your review (and the six stars). I wasn't sure about this - it's a bit more graphic that what I normally write, but you've made me feel a bit better about it. The wolf-hybrid was actually modeled on one that my husband and I had. Kimba was lost by my son-in-law in Nov of 2001. We never found her and this is one of the nightmares scenarios that I've lived with for the past eight years. I am hoping that maybe writing it out with the "just rewards" at the ending will help me work through the panic and anger I feel on waking in the middle of the night sometimes.
Again - thanks for your encouraging words - sherry
P.S. - if you like a bit of horror with your evenings, you might want to take a look at "The Road Gods" - it's a pretty short read. I'd never done any horror poetry, but was quite happy with the way it turned out. I am currently working on both a short and a novel based on the same theme.
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I had a feeling there would be a strong emotional connection to a passionate and exact write like that. I'm disappointed you lost your friend. I think you did her great honour with this write. Writing helps, I hope your nightmares ease, sherry. I would love to read more of your work, and will :)
