wings
haiku patterned in the classical style17 total reviews
Comment from BarnCat
OOOOOHHHHH -- love this haiku! Strong voice with excellent language choices. Your satori alluding to the origami of 1,000 cranes creating luck and peace is a perfect finale to an excellent poem. DBL
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2009
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OOOOOHHHHH -- love this haiku! Strong voice with excellent language choices. Your satori alluding to the origami of 1,000 cranes creating luck and peace is a perfect finale to an excellent poem. DBL
Comment Written 28-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2009
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thankyou. Yes, i enjoyed the moment of inspiration when i realized I could take you out to the nesting grounds then suddenly back to your desk folding paper!s
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way cool! Deb
Comment from bnd-writenow
Nice job with this haiku.
Without one spare word, you created a series of very visual pictures for me. You demonstrated the true purpose of the Haiku in this piece, using simplicity to evoke profound thoughts and visions.
Good job.
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2009
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Nice job with this haiku.
Without one spare word, you created a series of very visual pictures for me. You demonstrated the true purpose of the Haiku in this piece, using simplicity to evoke profound thoughts and visions.
Good job.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2009
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thankyou. Yes, i enjoyed the moment of inspiration when i realized I could take you out to the nesting grounds then suddenly back to your desk folding paper!
Comment from KC Frantzen
Haiku always fascinates me when done well, which this is.
The senses are there - sight, sound, touch - and has a really nice message too.
Thanks for sharing it!
I see you were a Scoutmaster! Good on ya!
I'm writing for kids 8-12 and would love your take from the boys perspective if you have time and inclination.
and FYI - we have sandhills that fly over us twice a year. So amazing! We're certain their calls were used in one of the Jurassic Park movies - just had to be! :)
Good work - keep writing!
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2009
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Haiku always fascinates me when done well, which this is.
The senses are there - sight, sound, touch - and has a really nice message too.
Thanks for sharing it!
I see you were a Scoutmaster! Good on ya!
I'm writing for kids 8-12 and would love your take from the boys perspective if you have time and inclination.
and FYI - we have sandhills that fly over us twice a year. So amazing! We're certain their calls were used in one of the Jurassic Park movies - just had to be! :)
Good work - keep writing!
Comment Written 28-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2009
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thankyou. Yes, i enjoyed the moment of inspiration when i realized I could take you out to the nesting grounds then suddenly back to your desk folding paper! Also you may enjoy Buzzcut and Smokey's Lesson in my prtfolio- based on Scouting. Also Firelight Honor.
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There are more: drop to bottom of my portfolio, select search then click on these - Fast Track, Leasve No Trace, River Murmurs, Scout Camp Pirates - all based on scouting.
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There are more: drop to bottom of my portfolio, select search then click on these - Fast Track, Leave No Trace, River Murmurs, Scout Camp Pirates - all based on scouting.
Comment from Oatmeal
foxtale,
Emotional reflections are insightful and impressive. Flowing very nicely. Good atmosphere and thrilling emotions. The imagery is outstanding.
It was spotless.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2009
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foxtale,
Emotional reflections are insightful and impressive. Flowing very nicely. Good atmosphere and thrilling emotions. The imagery is outstanding.
It was spotless.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
Comment Written 28-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2009
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thankyou. Yes, i enjoyed the moment of inspiration when i realized I could take you out to the nesting grounds then suddenly back to your desk folding paper!
Comment from fictionwriter
I love the cranes, but the paper ones only seem to make the numbers grow. I love how you mixed a couple of things together. Well done.
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2009
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I love the cranes, but the paper ones only seem to make the numbers grow. I love how you mixed a couple of things together. Well done.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2009
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thanks. Japanese tradition says folding 1000 paper cranes may grant a wish for health happiness or a mended relationship, so I thought it would be perfect as a haiku.
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also, since the cranes begin gathering in the fall to winter over in the nesting grounds; that was the 'kigo' or allusion to season in the poem.
Comment from lindamay
I enjoyed reading the haiku. The imagery was good and I liked the "wings beat forgiveness". There is also a calm controlled feeling to the "paper creased, folded". Best Wishes Linda
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2009
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I enjoyed reading the haiku. The imagery was good and I liked the "wings beat forgiveness". There is also a calm controlled feeling to the "paper creased, folded". Best Wishes Linda
Comment Written 28-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2009
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Thank you. Besides being a Senryu form of Haiku, this alludes to a tradion that folding 1000 paper cranes might grant a wish for health, happiness, or to mend a broken relationship.
Comment from anabelle
Amazing poem. I love the way you connect 'wings beat forgiveness' to the 'cranes' and 'one thousand strong', then origami. It reminded me of how art is so often used as therapy for children who've suffer from post-traumatic stress.
The best of the holidays to you.
Regards, anabelle
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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Amazing poem. I love the way you connect 'wings beat forgiveness' to the 'cranes' and 'one thousand strong', then origami. It reminded me of how art is so often used as therapy for children who've suffer from post-traumatic stress.
The best of the holidays to you.
Regards, anabelle
Comment Written 26-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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Thank you. It was a long hard write for so few words to convey so much. In Japanese tradition, folding one thousand cranes might grant a wish for health, happiness, or mending a relationship.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello foxtale,
now here is a real good traditional Japanese hakiu
I hope Alvin who is an expert oh hakiu and writer and poet here on FS reads your posting
Nice meeting you ,
Gert
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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Hello foxtale,
now here is a real good traditional Japanese hakiu
I hope Alvin who is an expert oh hakiu and writer and poet here on FS reads your posting
Nice meeting you ,
Gert
Comment Written 26-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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Thank you. I've heard that since I take you to Origami folding in the last stanza, I've changed the Haiku into the Senryu style.
Comment from Claire Dumont
Very well written.
Perfectly put together and I get a wonderful picture in my head of thousands of wings.
I always admire writers that can do this in just a few short words.
Well done
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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Very well written.
Perfectly put together and I get a wonderful picture in my head of thousands of wings.
I always admire writers that can do this in just a few short words.
Well done
Comment Written 26-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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This was a long hard write for so few words! And I liked doing the about face, where the 'wings' suddenly became folded Origami cranes.
Comment from ZeBestBlonde1
foxtale,
hello to you. This is a very pretty haiku, truly!
I've never written one, but I've very much enjoyed reading so many others' work
I thought your poem was pretty, had a gentle flow of words and the 2nd line was very powerful
Great job!
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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foxtale,
hello to you. This is a very pretty haiku, truly!
I've never written one, but I've very much enjoyed reading so many others' work
I thought your poem was pretty, had a gentle flow of words and the 2nd line was very powerful
Great job!
Comment Written 26-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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Thank you. I struggled with this for quite a time. I wanted to honor the traditional Haiku style. In Japanese tradition the folding of one thousand paper cranes may grant a wish for health, healing, or mending a relationship.
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Look up my Haiku 'Dawn' in my portfolio. This was a 3 5 3 challenge. Some feel that 5 7 5 is too long in that Japanese count 'ohn' or sound symbols, not syllables. So 17 ohn is more like 12 english syllables. So with the single word title and 3 5 3 syllables, theres the 12. Most have a kigo (seasonal word or allusion) and the last line is traditionally a haiku moment of enlightenment.
