There Will Be A Day
Seven different stories within a song.63 total reviews
Comment from nitad
Wow.
What a powerful and moving piece this is, Jan. It moved me to tears more than once. The raw emotions, the desperation, the ... hope that exists when we reach out to Him in our time of need. All so beautifully and eloquently captured here. I would love to give you a six but this ridiculous system says that since I have already given you two of them in the past thirty days, I can't give you another one. So here is a 'virtual' six ******
God bless my friend. You should really pursue getting this one published!
Nita
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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Wow.
What a powerful and moving piece this is, Jan. It moved me to tears more than once. The raw emotions, the desperation, the ... hope that exists when we reach out to Him in our time of need. All so beautifully and eloquently captured here. I would love to give you a six but this ridiculous system says that since I have already given you two of them in the past thirty days, I can't give you another one. So here is a 'virtual' six ******
God bless my friend. You should really pursue getting this one published!
Nita
Comment Written 11-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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Thank you so much. I am so honored to know it moved you to tears. Believe me, I am happy to forgo the six just to hear those words, but of course, I will accept the virtual six with much gratefulness. Bless your heart.
Hugs,
Jan
Comment from Lady & Louis
Be it Jesus or be it another of the Lords of Light who are there to guide and help us, yes, it is so much easier for a soul here to cope when they know that love is there! Good story, Jani, you put it forth with passion and set it well in the context of the song. I wasn't going to mention line spacing, because those whopping gaps have got Evil Eddie written all over them! Sounds like he's had a major dummy-spit.
There are a few bits I'd mention, though given the way EE has been acting up, I wouldn't expect anyone to brave the editing screen again because of 'em! So call it reference, lol.
With clenched teeth and fists, he beat the walls. - beats
Empty bottles litter the floor like the discarded hope he refuses to hold on to. - I'd be inclined to give this a shuffle; it seems a little convoluted (says the mistress of the convoluted sentence, lol). Perhaps something along the lines of "Empty bottles litter the floor, discarded like his hopes"?
Flies swarm at the child's mouth and eyes, desperate for stolen nourishment. - I'd suggest deleting "stolen"; it's emotive, but the scene doesn't need it laid on; besides, the flies are doing what's natural and stolen implies a moral judgement (at least, to me it does).
She heads down the wore path, - worn
village three days walk away, - days'
OH dear, I just had a scary thought - do EE and Lydia ever conspire? Beware, mortals ...
Hugs!
Louise
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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Be it Jesus or be it another of the Lords of Light who are there to guide and help us, yes, it is so much easier for a soul here to cope when they know that love is there! Good story, Jani, you put it forth with passion and set it well in the context of the song. I wasn't going to mention line spacing, because those whopping gaps have got Evil Eddie written all over them! Sounds like he's had a major dummy-spit.
There are a few bits I'd mention, though given the way EE has been acting up, I wouldn't expect anyone to brave the editing screen again because of 'em! So call it reference, lol.
With clenched teeth and fists, he beat the walls. - beats
Empty bottles litter the floor like the discarded hope he refuses to hold on to. - I'd be inclined to give this a shuffle; it seems a little convoluted (says the mistress of the convoluted sentence, lol). Perhaps something along the lines of "Empty bottles litter the floor, discarded like his hopes"?
Flies swarm at the child's mouth and eyes, desperate for stolen nourishment. - I'd suggest deleting "stolen"; it's emotive, but the scene doesn't need it laid on; besides, the flies are doing what's natural and stolen implies a moral judgement (at least, to me it does).
She heads down the wore path, - worn
village three days walk away, - days'
OH dear, I just had a scary thought - do EE and Lydia ever conspire? Beware, mortals ...
Hugs!
Louise
Comment Written 11-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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LOL for your closing line. Lydia would never give EE the time of day. She thinks he is childish and vindictive!
I will certainly take a look at your suggestions, if I can make any changes without wiping out the entire story again!
Thanks for a terrific review.
Jan
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ROFL not that Lydia would ever be childish and vindictive - noooo, not possible!
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((( -O- ))) < That is Janilou holding her sides as she laughes out loud.
Ahem. No, of course not!
Comment from drivenbackward
A story within a song. I don't think I've ever read a post like that before. Well done, as usual. I like the fast pace.
somewhere . --- Spacing of period (I think it will let you fix this one).
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reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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A story within a song. I don't think I've ever read a post like that before. Well done, as usual. I like the fast pace.
somewhere . --- Spacing of period (I think it will let you fix this one).
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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Thanks, DB. I did fix that nit, I hope. Appreciate you catching it! Thanks for the review. :-)
Jan
