Comment from wierdgrace

Excellent

This is different from what I saw, but I understand now that I have read the story. It is good and matches so much to the picture of the contest. good writting.

 Comment Written 28-Aug-2008

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reply by the author on 28-Aug-2008

Thanks for a good review. I truly appreciate it.

Comment from heyjude

Excellent

Alvin,
This is an enjoyable story. One that children and adults would
like. I like the lesson about doing the right thing. Miyako didn't
want the mermaid to be separated from her daughter and convinced
her husband to do what was right. Good message. Good luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 28-Aug-2008

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reply by the author on 28-Aug-2008

Thanks for a good review. I truly appreciate it.

Comment from P1

Excellent

another string to your bow
this is a great piece of writing
for both children and not so young
kids at heart, i loved it good luck
with it. hugs lynda.

 Comment Written 27-Aug-2008

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reply by the author on 27-Aug-2008

Thanks for the stellar review. I truly appreciate it.

Comment from vchong

Excellent

This is a heart warming story for kids. As an adult reading it, I thought the part on the explanation of man were rather irrelevant, and made the piece rather long winded. Thank goodness you had the action going at the end.

As a fond tako eater, your story succeeded a little in making me feel guilty. I shall now remember it everytime I eat tako.

 Comment Written 27-Aug-2008

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reply by the author on 27-Aug-2008

Sorry about that, but I eat tako, as well. (One of the few foods I dislike is baby tako.) Yes, this is definitely a children's story. Thanks for a good review.

Comment from darkgreennights

Excellent

I loved it and immediatley forwarded it to my little niece she loves mermaids so. The whole underwater kingdom thing is lovely you might have an awesome YA book here.

 Comment Written 27-Aug-2008

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reply by the author on 27-Aug-2008

Thanks. Others have told me that, as well. Children's literature is hard for me to write, and it's good to know I have done a good job. Thanks for a great review.

Comment from babylonia

Excellent

i like this. i think if it were a children's story you could even write three more parts where they go to their friends and get the mermaid. then return her to her family. it would be good.
easy to read and follow. i did see one spaggie and it looks like a typo.

and went up to the surface of the sea. (change the first the to to)

imagery is excellent. made me smile. keep up the good work~
good luck~
love,
barbara

 Comment Written 26-Aug-2008

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reply by the author on 27-Aug-2008

Thanks for catching that mistake. I truly appreciate it. I have corrected that error. Thanks also for a good review; others have suggested expanding it into a children's book.

reply by babylonia on 27-Aug-2008

i definitely think this would be a good children's book.
love,
barbara

Comment from Janilou

Excellent

This is an excellent story, Al! I read your author's notes. I too, thought it was a photo of a mermaid! I really enjoyed the story and I wish you the best of luck in the contest!

Notes:

Shelley had found wood in the water and her mother explained to her they were off land plants and called ?sticks.?)

I think off land should be hyphenated:

off-land


Jan

 Comment Written 26-Aug-2008

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reply by the author on 26-Aug-2008

You saw what I saw. Thanks for a great review. I made "off land plants" to "off of land plants." Does that work better?

Comment from Vladilynn

Excellent

Ohayo!!!! too Alvin~

I really loved this twisted story of yours....very neat. Good for children book....and have a good lesson to be told. Spare life for the others that needs it if you can without any return. I
loved that!! The land creatures...I'm still thinking what they been called too~ LOL

really very nice one! I know that the Art shows the dragon and you need to write a story about it....but it could be change to with your version..That's how you saw the art...so it's beyond from the eye of the beholder! LOL

well done~

Thank you for sharing

Lynn ( ^ __________ ^ )}}

 Comment Written 26-Aug-2008

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reply by the author on 26-Aug-2008

Thanks for understanding. I truly appreciate it. I hope all reviewers are that empathetic to my viewpoint. Thanks also for a good review.

Comment from milushka

Excellent

I like your twist on the popular fairytale, dear Alvin, l like all the characters, the happy ending. Reminds me again of the one of The Undine and her tragic end. In yours, the woman has the most sense, :).
Will I ever eat octopus?
Good luck in the contest.
Love,
Mila

 Comment Written 26-Aug-2008

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reply by the author on 26-Aug-2008

Thanks for a great review. Where would I find the story of the Undine? I don't know that one. Hope you are doing well.

reply by milushka on 26-Aug-2008

I am alive, thank you. I have the Undine story in my portfolio, the write is called "Undine," I think. It's all in green, they may be two by the same name. :)
Mila

reply by milushka on 26-Aug-2008

I went back and yes, you read it and reviewed, :) it's been so long ago.
In Czech the Undine is called Rusalka. The opera by Dvorak is on the bill this season here in Toronto.
This is from my author's notes:

Author Notes
The opera RUSALKA is in three acts:

Act I (a meadow by the edge of a lake): Three wood-spirits tease the Water-Goblin, ruler of the lake. Rusalka, the Water-Goblin's daughter, tells her father she has fallen in love with a human Prince who comes to swim in the lake, and she wants to become human to embrace him. He tells her it is a bad idea but nonetheless steers her to a witch, Jezibaba, for assistance. Rusalka sings her Song to the Moon, asking it to tell the Prince of her love. Jezibaba tells Rusalka that if she becomes human and is betrayed by the prince, both she and the prince will be eternally damned, and that Rusalka will lose the power of speech when human. Rusalka agrees to the terms and drinks a potion. The Prince, hunting a white doe, finds Rusalka, embraces her, and leads her away, as the Water-Goblin and her sisters lament.

Act II (the garden of the Prince's castle): A Gamekeeper and his nephew, the Kitchen-Boy, note that the Prince is to be married to a mute and nameless bride, suspecting witchcraft and doubting it will last, as the prince is already lavishing attentions on a Foreign Princess who is a wedding guest. The Foreign Princess, jealous, curses the couple. The prince rejects Rusalka. The Water-Goblin takes Rusalka back to his pond. The Foreign Princess, having successfully won the Prince's affection, now scorns it.

Act III (a meadow by the edge of a lake): Rusalka asks Jezibaba for a solution to her woes and is told she can save herself if she kills the Prince with the dagger she is given. Rusalka rejects this, throwing the dagger into the lake. Rusalka becomes a bludicka, a spirit of death living in the depths of the lake, emerging only to lure humans to their deaths. The Gamekeeper and the Kitchen Boy consult Jezibaba about the Prince, whom they say has been betrayed by Rusalka. The Water-Goblin says that the Prince betrayed Rusalka. The wood-sprites mourn Rusalka's plight. The Prince, searching for his white doe, comes to the lake, senses Rusalka, and calls for her. He asks her to kiss him, even knowing her kiss means death and damnation. They kiss and he dies; and the Water-Goblin comments that "All sacrifices are futile". Rusalka thanks the Prince for letting her experience human love, commends his soul to God, and returns to her place in the depths of the lake as a demon of death.

reply by the author on 27-Aug-2008

Fascinating story--very Eastern European.

Comment from OldVet

Excellent

Nice. A bit of education thrown in for good measure.
A few recomendations:
octopuses [octopi ?]

Her mother didn't make it to hide in time and Shelley saw the land creature carry off her mother.
[Could have added a bit about capturing the mother here.]

Oscar went up the the surface of the sea, and told Shelley to stay down in the depths. [I'd reverse this, tell her to stay below and then go to the surface.]
He dived deep into the ocean [to tell] Shelley the good news.

 Comment Written 26-Aug-2008

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reply by the author on 26-Aug-2008

Thanks for a great review and noting the didactic nature of the story. "Octopuses" is listed as the first form for the plural in the dictionary. I made part of the third change you suggested. For clarification about your second suggestion, I am writing for a child's attention span and I worry about the length of the children's stories. Do you think if I put more detail in they could still be enthralled by the somewhat (at least for a child) complex story line? Thanks again for taking the time to review carefully.

reply by OldVet on 26-Aug-2008

You didn't state what age span you are targeting, but the length doesn't seem too long. I think the key to keeping their attention is to get them engrossed. A line or two about seeing her mother scooped up in a net (or some other means of capture) would help picture it in their minds.

A sixth-grade teacher took the time to read a chapter of "The Hardy Boys" to us everyday after lunch. Looking back, I'm sure she knew the three Rs would have put us right to sleep. That one grade probably instilled the desire to read more than any other. I still pick up a Hardy boy book whenever I get the chance.
Good luck with this!

reply by the author on 27-Aug-2008

My ideal intended reader is an eight year old girl. I think a graphic quality such as seeing her mother captured in a net might be disturbing to a child, but then again, Bambi's mother does die, I believe. Thanks for making me think.

reply by OldVet on 27-Aug-2008

I think an 8-year old could handle it. 4-5, maybe not. Kids are usually more aware of things than we think.