The Mermaid and the Octopus
A children's story teaching about other cultures32 total reviews
Comment from mumsyone
Hi Alvin,
I enjoyed reading your story and can see why it was the winner. Congratulations! It is well written and very informative for children as far as Japanese culture is concerned, but even adults can learn from it.
Lois
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Hi Alvin,
I enjoyed reading your story and can see why it was the winner. Congratulations! It is well written and very informative for children as far as Japanese culture is concerned, but even adults can learn from it.
Lois
Comment Written 12-May-2013
Comment from Cooper Watt
Great story.
I see your account has been put on hold.
And your prompt contest has been removed.
Hope to hear from you...
Coop.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2009
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Great story.
I see your account has been put on hold.
And your prompt contest has been removed.
Hope to hear from you...
Coop.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2009
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I have no idea what I did for my account to be put on hold.
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Whenever I click on your name it says "This account is not available" ... Not sure what that means, but when I saw the contest you'd created was taken down, I started thinking maybe you rocked the boat a little too far...
Later man,
Coop.
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I wanted to stop the cheating going on on the site. I am dying, Coop. And I am cleaning up things before I go home to God.
Comment from Helvi2
Hi Alvin,
Congratulations, for winning first place with your wonderful story.
You wrote an entertaining tale for children that is also a teaching tool. When you combine the two of these together that is an accomplishment. You've just made learning fun.
As much as I love the story, I do have some little nitpicks.
These are just my personal opinions.
I would have liked the story to have started with Shelley and her mother, then progress to the capture. I would have also liked to know, when Shelley first saw Oscar approach what was she thinking? I also would have loved to know, if a reunion actually took place? Does the story continue on?
I hope you think of my thoughts as a compliment, because there is no fault in your writing.What you wrote was great,I just wish there was more.
Nice job my friend,
Helvi :o)
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2008
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Hi Alvin,
Congratulations, for winning first place with your wonderful story.
You wrote an entertaining tale for children that is also a teaching tool. When you combine the two of these together that is an accomplishment. You've just made learning fun.
As much as I love the story, I do have some little nitpicks.
These are just my personal opinions.
I would have liked the story to have started with Shelley and her mother, then progress to the capture. I would have also liked to know, when Shelley first saw Oscar approach what was she thinking? I also would have loved to know, if a reunion actually took place? Does the story continue on?
I hope you think of my thoughts as a compliment, because there is no fault in your writing.What you wrote was great,I just wish there was more.
Nice job my friend,
Helvi :o)
Comment Written 02-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2008
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I know; many have asked me to expand it into a book. I didn't think I wrote children's fiction very well, so I kept it short. I did have the picture with which to work, so I started with a scene directly related to the picture. I suppose I have enough requests that the tale of Oscar the Octopus and Shelley the Mermaid must go on. SMILE Thanks for a great review.
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Congratulations on taking a chance. Sometimes you surprise even yourself by what you're able to do. :o)
Helvi :o)
Comment from bkrighter
I like the basic story and your dialogue is prettty solid, but both are hindered somewhat by the need you felt to explain everything--and while there is too much explanation, this represents a good start.
Technical note: eliminate the reference in consecutive paragraphs to mother taken by land creatures.
Steve
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2008
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I like the basic story and your dialogue is prettty solid, but both are hindered somewhat by the need you felt to explain everything--and while there is too much explanation, this represents a good start.
Technical note: eliminate the reference in consecutive paragraphs to mother taken by land creatures.
Steve
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2008
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Thanks. I'll consider your comments carefully. I seldom write children's fiction, so I need always to keep my audience in mind.
Comment from penelope
Well done, Alvin. I'm delighted you won with this one. Sorry I didn't read it before but I haven't been doing much reviewing or posting lately. I think you got into the heart and mind of a child when you wrote this. Great explanations and you chugged on the heart strings, making us want the Octopus to find Shelley's mother. What kind of age group are you thinking of? Children are so smart with a lot of exposure to television, computer and books now. Great story, congratulations. Penelope
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2008
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Well done, Alvin. I'm delighted you won with this one. Sorry I didn't read it before but I haven't been doing much reviewing or posting lately. I think you got into the heart and mind of a child when you wrote this. Great explanations and you chugged on the heart strings, making us want the Octopus to find Shelley's mother. What kind of age group are you thinking of? Children are so smart with a lot of exposure to television, computer and books now. Great story, congratulations. Penelope
Comment Written 01-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2008
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My intended reader was an eight year old girl. Thanks for a great review. It is especially meaningful to me, as I seldom write children's fiction.
Comment from Fidgitive
Very well written children story. Understandable children's language and nice attitude with a lot of explanations which is good for kids. Good and warm hearted solving of a conflict. Maybe it needs continuation to be transfered in the whole book of stories about friendship of octupos and mermaid? Didn't you think about this ever? Excellent job. Congratulations about your contest! Fidgitive
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2008
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Very well written children story. Understandable children's language and nice attitude with a lot of explanations which is good for kids. Good and warm hearted solving of a conflict. Maybe it needs continuation to be transfered in the whole book of stories about friendship of octupos and mermaid? Didn't you think about this ever? Excellent job. Congratulations about your contest! Fidgitive
Comment Written 31-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2008
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Thank you. Others have suggested a sequel and possibly a book. I have to think about that; this is only my second foray into children's literature. Thanks for a great review and the six stars.
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You are welcome. Fidgitive
Comment from LadyMary
Sincere congratulations on winning the contest. Well deserved. The dialogue is excellent, while incorporating a learning experience. LadyMary
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2008
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Sincere congratulations on winning the contest. Well deserved. The dialogue is excellent, while incorporating a learning experience. LadyMary
Comment Written 30-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2008
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Thank you. You "caught" exactly what I wanted to convey.
Comment from Willosa
This was delightful and held my interest from start to finish. Who cares if you thought the dragon was an octopus, your story seemed to go well with the illustration anyway. You packed alot into this short tale and I am sure children would like it, it was enjoyable and the moral behind the tale was clear without being preachy. Well done. Lesley.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2008
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This was delightful and held my interest from start to finish. Who cares if you thought the dragon was an octopus, your story seemed to go well with the illustration anyway. You packed alot into this short tale and I am sure children would like it, it was enjoyable and the moral behind the tale was clear without being preachy. Well done. Lesley.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2008
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Thanks for your very kind comments; I truly appreciate them.
Comment from Moira's Amethyst
Hey, I've been noticing you fishing a lot lately with this piece. Now, when I say fishing I mean your use of the banner advertisement. That's what I say whenever I use one. I say "well, I think I'll go fishing" hehe.
This was a well written piece of children's literature. I found it would indeed be rather educational for children. As it teaches morality, acceptance, sacrifice and so much more. You have it all weaved in there tightly linking a whole new world to the contest art choice. I say a job well done Alvin. You should be proud of this one. I thank you for sharing. Please, take care.
Poetry's Protege
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2008
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Hey, I've been noticing you fishing a lot lately with this piece. Now, when I say fishing I mean your use of the banner advertisement. That's what I say whenever I use one. I say "well, I think I'll go fishing" hehe.
This was a well written piece of children's literature. I found it would indeed be rather educational for children. As it teaches morality, acceptance, sacrifice and so much more. You have it all weaved in there tightly linking a whole new world to the contest art choice. I say a job well done Alvin. You should be proud of this one. I thank you for sharing. Please, take care.
Poetry's Protege
Comment Written 29-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2008
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Thanks. You're right; I do want reviews on it. The reason is I haven't had a lot of experience with children's literature and I am never around children. So this was very difficult for me, and I wanted to see if I had written well. Thank you for saying I "should be proud of this one." Coming from one as talented as yourself, that means the world to me. Thanks for a great review.
Comment from lawriemac
First of all, let's get the small typo out of the way:
"Oscar, I miss my mother," Shelley sa(i)d.
Okay, now where do I begin?
You remarked in your Author notes that you seldom write children's literature. After reading this short story I believe you would do well in that genre. It is well formulated, easy for children, probably 6 - 8 years of age, to read and understand. It is educational, has a plot, and as well as the obligatory happy ending for children, it also has a moral.
I can quite easily see this book in my minds eye; a hard back with large writing interspaced with coloured drawings. It is the kind of book, and story, I read to my grandchildren when they have a stopover.
This well written work is worthy of praise and makes a nice change from reading dragon/fairy stories. I believe children would love the change also, after all is said and done, there are only so many instances whereby a dragon can save a beautiful princess.
Many thanks for going public with this otherwise I would have missed an enjoyable read.
Best wishes
Lawrie
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2008
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First of all, let's get the small typo out of the way:
"Oscar, I miss my mother," Shelley sa(i)d.
Okay, now where do I begin?
You remarked in your Author notes that you seldom write children's literature. After reading this short story I believe you would do well in that genre. It is well formulated, easy for children, probably 6 - 8 years of age, to read and understand. It is educational, has a plot, and as well as the obligatory happy ending for children, it also has a moral.
I can quite easily see this book in my minds eye; a hard back with large writing interspaced with coloured drawings. It is the kind of book, and story, I read to my grandchildren when they have a stopover.
This well written work is worthy of praise and makes a nice change from reading dragon/fairy stories. I believe children would love the change also, after all is said and done, there are only so many instances whereby a dragon can save a beautiful princess.
Many thanks for going public with this otherwise I would have missed an enjoyable read.
Best wishes
Lawrie
Comment Written 29-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2008
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Thanks for your encouragement and catching that typo--I can't believe it hasn't been caught until now. Your suggestions are marvelous; I may approach Diana (artasylum) about doing a book together once I have a few more chapters written; she is an excellent illustrator. You are right, by the way--my intended reader was an eight year old girl. Thanks for a great review.
