Sundays with you
To my husband Dave.53 total reviews
Comment from RaymondJohn
Don't you listen to the Prairie Home and Car-Talk reruns. Not quite the same as Shortz. It sounds like Sundays are restful. Smooth narrative and good use of detail to put me in the scene. Best wishes. Ray
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2008
  |
Don't you listen to the Prairie Home and Car-Talk reruns. Not quite the same as Shortz. It sounds like Sundays are restful. Smooth narrative and good use of detail to put me in the scene. Best wishes. Ray
Comment Written 01-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2008
-
Prairie Home Companion, oh yes. We love that show, it follows immediately after Shortz. We are faithful fans, we watched their respective movies as well. Garrison Kellior is a funny fellow. He has a couple of books published, my husband has "Leaving Home." Planning to read it sometimes. We listen to the Car Show once in a while, on Saturdays. Good jokes.
Thank you for the great review to this piece .
Comment from AbigailDavid
Hello, I enjoyed this work, it reads with a great flow...very pacey. I have no suggestions for improvement, and think that at this many reviews you have already done your fine tuning. Good diary entry writing, I see some terrible things that people try to pass of as essays and diary, so this is a refreshing change to find a piece that is properly categorized.
Thanks for sharing your writing, which I found a pleasure to read and review, cheers, Abby
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2008
|
Hello, I enjoyed this work, it reads with a great flow...very pacey. I have no suggestions for improvement, and think that at this many reviews you have already done your fine tuning. Good diary entry writing, I see some terrible things that people try to pass of as essays and diary, so this is a refreshing change to find a piece that is properly categorized.
Thanks for sharing your writing, which I found a pleasure to read and review, cheers, Abby
Comment Written 01-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2008
-
Thank you Abby for the review. I especially appreciate your words about the refreshing piece. I am glad you liked, prose is not my strenght, but I try it more often now.
Comment from ledford
Good job:-)
Your line spacing got messed up a little in the beginning. "our own vineyard and [we] celebrate rituals of nothingness." I recommend omitting [ ]
Lazily {,} we stretch and disentangle from our sleep and [we] begin"
"dry newspapers are silently scattered on the annoyed floor." I did not really understand this line. I think it is mainly the "silently"
"the lovely day,
unforgiving, sways away in spite my wishes to bring it to a standstill and
make eternal this moment of now." Great line:-)
"both of us survivors of the
slings and arrows of previous marriages." I recommend using an em dash instead of a semi prior to this, since semis are only to be usedto join two complete sentances.
"We merrily pink twirl" This sounds a bit awkward.
"ten year old fairy tale." I recommend "ten-year-old"
Good ending;-)
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2008
 |
Good job:-)
Your line spacing got messed up a little in the beginning. "our own vineyard and [we] celebrate rituals of nothingness." I recommend omitting [ ]
Lazily {,} we stretch and disentangle from our sleep and [we] begin"
"dry newspapers are silently scattered on the annoyed floor." I did not really understand this line. I think it is mainly the "silently"
"the lovely day,
unforgiving, sways away in spite my wishes to bring it to a standstill and
make eternal this moment of now." Great line:-)
"both of us survivors of the
slings and arrows of previous marriages." I recommend using an em dash instead of a semi prior to this, since semis are only to be usedto join two complete sentances.
"We merrily pink twirl" This sounds a bit awkward.
"ten year old fairy tale." I recommend "ten-year-old"
Good ending;-)
Comment Written 01-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2008
-
Thank you ledford for the support to my work. I followed the corrections, I hope it reads much better now.
Comment from kchitti
Sunday mornings, we leisurely merge into the slow lane
> thought this was a really great opening line. sets the tone nicely. You need a period though at the end, right?
This is the day when we tend our own vineyard and rituals of nothingness we celebrate.
> I'd consider ending with "and celebrate rituals of nothingness."
We merrily pink twirl in our second dance
> I didn't understand the 'pink twirl' part.
And the minutes glide by inexorable, unstoppable throughout the precious hours of this blessed day.
> could lose the 'And' at the beginning.
Daughter is cocooned wrapped in a multicolor blanket, holding a children's
book on the weary couch.
> I think I'd add a comma after 'cocooned'
The stereo plays one of our favorite CDs, John Williams's movie themes
At times we even dare to mumble-gumble a song.
> period after 'themes'. consider italicizing or quoting the CD name.
sways away in spite my wishes
> probably should add 'of' after 'spite'
We built a home with steel
foundations in spite our feeble feet of clay
> same here, add 'of' after 'spite'
I really liked this entry, I just think it needs a little polish. Let me know if you edit it and I'll be back to bump the stars! I really liked the way it ended as well as the rest of the story.
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2008
|
Sunday mornings, we leisurely merge into the slow lane
> thought this was a really great opening line. sets the tone nicely. You need a period though at the end, right?
This is the day when we tend our own vineyard and rituals of nothingness we celebrate.
> I'd consider ending with "and celebrate rituals of nothingness."
We merrily pink twirl in our second dance
> I didn't understand the 'pink twirl' part.
And the minutes glide by inexorable, unstoppable throughout the precious hours of this blessed day.
> could lose the 'And' at the beginning.
Daughter is cocooned wrapped in a multicolor blanket, holding a children's
book on the weary couch.
> I think I'd add a comma after 'cocooned'
The stereo plays one of our favorite CDs, John Williams's movie themes
At times we even dare to mumble-gumble a song.
> period after 'themes'. consider italicizing or quoting the CD name.
sways away in spite my wishes
> probably should add 'of' after 'spite'
We built a home with steel
foundations in spite our feeble feet of clay
> same here, add 'of' after 'spite'
I really liked this entry, I just think it needs a little polish. Let me know if you edit it and I'll be back to bump the stars! I really liked the way it ended as well as the rest of the story.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2008
-
Thank you kchitti for the review and the polishing to my work. They all made sense and I followed all of them, except the "And the minutes...." A wannabe writer's privilege" (Smile). The pink twirl phrase means we dance sort of making fun of ourselves, letting it go. If you have the time to read it again and give me your opinion. I honor constructive criticism because i have much to learn.
-
hmmm, I still think you need the 'of' after 'spite' in both cases. As to the 'And'. that's certainly a writer's choice, and I wouldn't knock ya for that. I would simply ask you why the word is there? What does it add?
I'll bump the stars! Take care! It really is a nice story.
Comment from redrider6612
Very nice little story. I really enjoyed it.
A few SPAG I spotted:
work plays--did you mean "word"?
inexorable, unstoppable--these are adjectives; suggest "inexorably, unstoppably"
cocooned[,] wrapped
in spite [of] my wishes
in spite [of] our feeble feet
We merrily pink twirl in our second dance, the beginning of our now ten year old fairy tale.--not clear what you mean by this.
The main problem I had with it was the present tense. I just find it extremely distracting and off-putting.
Overall, a good story. You have a lot of talent.
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2008
|
Very nice little story. I really enjoyed it.
A few SPAG I spotted:
work plays--did you mean "word"?
inexorable, unstoppable--these are adjectives; suggest "inexorably, unstoppably"
cocooned[,] wrapped
in spite [of] my wishes
in spite [of] our feeble feet
We merrily pink twirl in our second dance, the beginning of our now ten year old fairy tale.--not clear what you mean by this.
The main problem I had with it was the present tense. I just find it extremely distracting and off-putting.
Overall, a good story. You have a lot of talent.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2008
-
Thank you redrider6612 for the great review and the comments. I corrected the spag to word play, how it was supposed to be, as well as the others. I appreciate your time.
Comment from dportwood
amada,
I very much enjoyed this non-fiction diary. It is easy-reading with creative catchiness in several places. I particularly like:
cocooned wrapped
razor-thin minutes continue marching unkindly
cling to each other in this day of nothingness and fulness
Excellent writing.
dportwood
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2008
|
amada,
I very much enjoyed this non-fiction diary. It is easy-reading with creative catchiness in several places. I particularly like:
cocooned wrapped
razor-thin minutes continue marching unkindly
cling to each other in this day of nothingness and fulness
Excellent writing.
dportwood
Comment Written 01-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2008
-
Thank you for the comments to this piece, dear dportwood.
Comment from Judian James
Razor-thin minutes continue marching unkindly; the lovely day, unforgiving, sways away in spite my wishes to bring it to a standstill and make eternal this moment of now" Outstanding in every way. I to have found my perfect mate with my second marriage. We have both been blessed. Just an exceptional write. Bravo and congratulations on a wonderful life truly appreciated in its exquisite simplicity
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2008
 |
Razor-thin minutes continue marching unkindly; the lovely day, unforgiving, sways away in spite my wishes to bring it to a standstill and make eternal this moment of now" Outstanding in every way. I to have found my perfect mate with my second marriage. We have both been blessed. Just an exceptional write. Bravo and congratulations on a wonderful life truly appreciated in its exquisite simplicity
Comment Written 01-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2008
-
Thank you Judian James for the great review. We are both truly indeed to find the right man; I wanted to praise him in front of everybody. He always encourage me to write...he knows this pastime makes me happy.
Comment from elainec4
Last Sunday, my husband and I were sitting on the deck of our camp overlooking the Gulf of Mexico in south Louisiana. I asked him, "What could make this more perfect?" As the words left my mouth, the cell phone rang--and he said--"no phones!" So I certainly could identify with your work. Great detail which enables the reader to be there. I think I saw two minor typos:
Line 8--word plays
Line 12--grumpy laugh
Thanks for sharing. People need to read happy works!!!
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2008
|
Last Sunday, my husband and I were sitting on the deck of our camp overlooking the Gulf of Mexico in south Louisiana. I asked him, "What could make this more perfect?" As the words left my mouth, the cell phone rang--and he said--"no phones!" So I certainly could identify with your work. Great detail which enables the reader to be there. I think I saw two minor typos:
Line 8--word plays
Line 12--grumpy laugh
Thanks for sharing. People need to read happy works!!!
Comment Written 01-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2008
-
Thank you elainec4 for the great review and the "no phones" anecdote... They are really intrusive at times, but sometimes they can also be lifesavers. Hope you have much more campings in ghe Gulf of Mexico.
Comment from Wendyanne
Hi amada. You have described an idyllic sunday morning with such beautiful descriptive words. I could almost picture the cosy scene. Well done
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2008
|
Hi amada. You have described an idyllic sunday morning with such beautiful descriptive words. I could almost picture the cosy scene. Well done
Comment Written 01-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2008
-
Thank you Wendyanne, faithful reviewer of my work. I treasure your support.
Comment from Janet65
Hi Amada,
This is a nice tribute to your husband. I like how you describe the small things that bring joy and fellowship with your family. I also like the candid tone of the piece, as if all of this is true as you have lived it with David.
Life can be enjoyed with the simple things in life, like the Puzzle Master, Will Shortz, and working out his puzzles. We used to listen to him too, but now we are too busy getting ready to head out to Sunday School and Worship services.
Good job on this one.
Janet65
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2008
|
Hi Amada,
This is a nice tribute to your husband. I like how you describe the small things that bring joy and fellowship with your family. I also like the candid tone of the piece, as if all of this is true as you have lived it with David.
Life can be enjoyed with the simple things in life, like the Puzzle Master, Will Shortz, and working out his puzzles. We used to listen to him too, but now we are too busy getting ready to head out to Sunday School and Worship services.
Good job on this one.
Janet65
Comment Written 01-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2008
-
Thank you Janet65. I appreciate your reading this piece and capturing the heart behind it.
