A contemporary holocaust
the tragic human cost of armed conflict6 total reviews
Comment from Harambe iz ur Daddy
An effective iambic pentameter entry. Here are some suggestions to make it pop and flow a little more:
More contrast between your text and background. If you text is not fully black, make it black, or at least add black outlining.
Perhaps to die now would be for the best. <= flip "now" and "would" for more natural speech emphasis
Sad Layla's hopes and dreams have all been crushed <= for the offbeat, "sad" has too much emphasis and there's too much tongue movement between the d of sad and the L of Layla. Perhaps try: "FOR Layla's" etc.
I also suggest getting rid of the "*" between stanzas as they are a little distracting. I know that is a characteristic of your writing, but it is a little bit distracting and also gives away your identity.
Overall, this is an outstanding piece, with all of your scenes painting stark, horrific realism, and you have a good shot at placing in the contest. Good luck!
🦍
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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An effective iambic pentameter entry. Here are some suggestions to make it pop and flow a little more:
More contrast between your text and background. If you text is not fully black, make it black, or at least add black outlining.
Perhaps to die now would be for the best. <= flip "now" and "would" for more natural speech emphasis
Sad Layla's hopes and dreams have all been crushed <= for the offbeat, "sad" has too much emphasis and there's too much tongue movement between the d of sad and the L of Layla. Perhaps try: "FOR Layla's" etc.
I also suggest getting rid of the "*" between stanzas as they are a little distracting. I know that is a characteristic of your writing, but it is a little bit distracting and also gives away your identity.
Overall, this is an outstanding piece, with all of your scenes painting stark, horrific realism, and you have a good shot at placing in the contest. Good luck!
🦍
Comment Written 28-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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Many thanks. Helpful, thoughtful suggestions, as always.
Comment from Helvi2
I totally understand why you had to stop the poem when you did! When you write about something as traumatic and emotional as this it takes a toll on you. It's hard for the reader too, but more so on the writer. You did a brilliant job getting your thoughts across. From the writer's point of view to the readers understanding, it hurts! Your repetition lines are powerful. I think you did an amazing job bringing thi together. You earned 6 stsrs from me!Good Luck in the contest! :o)
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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I totally understand why you had to stop the poem when you did! When you write about something as traumatic and emotional as this it takes a toll on you. It's hard for the reader too, but more so on the writer. You did a brilliant job getting your thoughts across. From the writer's point of view to the readers understanding, it hurts! Your repetition lines are powerful. I think you did an amazing job bringing thi together. You earned 6 stsrs from me!Good Luck in the contest! :o)
Comment Written 28-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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Wow, Helvi! So generous. I’m blown away. Thank you.
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You're so welcome! :o)
Comment from tempeste
Ciao mystery poet, you now have 4 votes.
Yesterday, another journalist (more than 200 have been killed ) was killed. He was only 23 years old, but he wanted to keep the outside world informed on the war crimes being committed in Gaza.
He stayed in the North of Gaza since the start of the war and every day he wrote and posted what was happening.
Yesterday, the IDF bombed his car, and he was killed...or should I say silenced.
Many Israelis do not support the zionists radical views and the killing of civilians.
The IDF has once again denied entry to humanitarian aid, food, water, medical supplies etc. Children, women, elderly are starving.
More than 45,000 civilians have been killed, and 13,000 were children.
The world seems not to care. The UN is worthless. Netanyahu is killing indiscriminately.
Hospitals are on the top of the IDF target list.
More than 500 doctors and nurses have been killed. Going around in scrubs is life-threatening.
Doctors who have returned to the USA in press conferences have reported that several children had been killed by sniper shots in the head.
Children without limbs, without parents, without a future.
Looking forward to reading more of your poem.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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Ciao mystery poet, you now have 4 votes.
Yesterday, another journalist (more than 200 have been killed ) was killed. He was only 23 years old, but he wanted to keep the outside world informed on the war crimes being committed in Gaza.
He stayed in the North of Gaza since the start of the war and every day he wrote and posted what was happening.
Yesterday, the IDF bombed his car, and he was killed...or should I say silenced.
Many Israelis do not support the zionists radical views and the killing of civilians.
The IDF has once again denied entry to humanitarian aid, food, water, medical supplies etc. Children, women, elderly are starving.
More than 45,000 civilians have been killed, and 13,000 were children.
The world seems not to care. The UN is worthless. Netanyahu is killing indiscriminately.
Hospitals are on the top of the IDF target list.
More than 500 doctors and nurses have been killed. Going around in scrubs is life-threatening.
Doctors who have returned to the USA in press conferences have reported that several children had been killed by sniper shots in the head.
Children without limbs, without parents, without a future.
Looking forward to reading more of your poem.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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Thank you so much, Tempeste. I’m appalled.
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It ‘s hard to believe that such crimes continue, unpunished.
The world turns a blind eye but God see all.
Comment from Rhonda Hiser
A sad but true reality that so many refuse to acknowledge. Gaza has seemingly always been a place of conflict. Your poem of repetition speaks truth to my heart. Well done.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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A sad but true reality that so many refuse to acknowledge. Gaza has seemingly always been a place of conflict. Your poem of repetition speaks truth to my heart. Well done.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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So very generous, Rhonda. Many thanks.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Your poem shares the heartbreak felt in in war. I'm deeply moved by how you bring attention to the suffering of individuals, Each stanza shares a picture of sorrow. So well done and such an important message.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2025
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Your poem shares the heartbreak felt in in war. I'm deeply moved by how you bring attention to the suffering of individuals, Each stanza shares a picture of sorrow. So well done and such an important message.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2025
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Thank you, Michael.
Comment from Alexandra Trovato
I'm a writer, artist, and empath. I understand why you had to stop. You did what writers and poets should do. You shared your voice and your soul to attempt to stop pain and suffering for others. There is no more honorable reason to write than to attempt to lift humanity. Excellent work.
We humans need to stop these wars.
Peace,
Alex
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2025
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I'm a writer, artist, and empath. I understand why you had to stop. You did what writers and poets should do. You shared your voice and your soul to attempt to stop pain and suffering for others. There is no more honorable reason to write than to attempt to lift humanity. Excellent work.
We humans need to stop these wars.
Peace,
Alex
Comment Written 26-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2025
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Thank you so much, Alex.
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You're welcome!
