Oh Life!
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Strike!"Experiences of living
86 total reviews
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Again, another thought provoking poem, but again, I will have to read it a few times to see if it will make sense to me. This is unusual for me, normally I do get what the poet is saying, perhaps I am not used to your unique style yet. Sandra
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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Again, another thought provoking poem, but again, I will have to read it a few times to see if it will make sense to me. This is unusual for me, normally I do get what the poet is saying, perhaps I am not used to your unique style yet. Sandra
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks for nice professional review
Comment from rama devi
Very glad to see these shorter works from you...and a bit more clarity, though still not fully coherent or comprehensible.
While I admire your boldness to write in a fully unique style, I still think your choppy, disjointed (sort-of 'trippy') phrasing style will confuse most readers. Ignoring basic grammar rules does not help, though i have a feeling much of that is intentional (for some unknown artistic reason)
Strike! See 'tis hot, right for a kick now,
Clock reminds; break your dreams.
Wind oft plays truant, blows dark signals,
Clouds sail witness silent,
They change colors in huge Blue Kingdom.
I like the personification in the opening stanza--truant wind, witness (sakshi) clouds, BLUE KINGDOM. Nice. Still think the flow is confusing and this stanza would use some revision to develop more clarity.
The Unseen Eye eyes you. - POTENT LINE!
Silver, whitish lining woo if failed.
Strange line...not sure what it means, and the grammar is quite awkward.
Keep time, kick dark; bring light.
- here, the staccato choppiness is appealing and effective to echo tick-tocks of clocks.
Air plays flute, helps finding your foes. - Love this, as the wind taught me to play flute long ago (on a mountaintop)
Nice alliteration on F
Why wait? Sow, fruits may late.
Good line but the lack of a verb makes it awkward. Why not add one in?
Why wait? Sow, fruits may be late.
Also, the punctuation is not precise. Maybe try:
Why wait? Sow--fruits may be late.
What's yours' to lose? What you brought? Why off?
Awkward grammar. Also, no ' after yours
The sun enjoys right kiss. - nice line.
Shaded moon peeps, pries your miss or kicks.
Birds, trees, hills, sky, good hearts pat you strike.
Let them sing, grab this time or drum fate.
I like the meaning that strikes me in your closing lines but the awkward grammar, stilted, disjointed, is quite distracting.
Happy to see a bit more clarity than previous poems I've reviewed of yours.
Warmly, rd
PS
A bit surprised by how many poems you've posted to the front page all at once. It would be considerate not to block so many top spots--give others a chance. my recommendation would be not to promote more than three poems at a time to top spots, and even that would be a lot. I never post more than one, myself, as a matter of principle. Of course, many members may be happy to get such a high payout as you offer...while others may be unhappy because they cannot afford to promote to high.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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Very glad to see these shorter works from you...and a bit more clarity, though still not fully coherent or comprehensible.
While I admire your boldness to write in a fully unique style, I still think your choppy, disjointed (sort-of 'trippy') phrasing style will confuse most readers. Ignoring basic grammar rules does not help, though i have a feeling much of that is intentional (for some unknown artistic reason)
Strike! See 'tis hot, right for a kick now,
Clock reminds; break your dreams.
Wind oft plays truant, blows dark signals,
Clouds sail witness silent,
They change colors in huge Blue Kingdom.
I like the personification in the opening stanza--truant wind, witness (sakshi) clouds, BLUE KINGDOM. Nice. Still think the flow is confusing and this stanza would use some revision to develop more clarity.
The Unseen Eye eyes you. - POTENT LINE!
Silver, whitish lining woo if failed.
Strange line...not sure what it means, and the grammar is quite awkward.
Keep time, kick dark; bring light.
- here, the staccato choppiness is appealing and effective to echo tick-tocks of clocks.
Air plays flute, helps finding your foes. - Love this, as the wind taught me to play flute long ago (on a mountaintop)
Nice alliteration on F
Why wait? Sow, fruits may late.
Good line but the lack of a verb makes it awkward. Why not add one in?
Why wait? Sow, fruits may be late.
Also, the punctuation is not precise. Maybe try:
Why wait? Sow--fruits may be late.
What's yours' to lose? What you brought? Why off?
Awkward grammar. Also, no ' after yours
The sun enjoys right kiss. - nice line.
Shaded moon peeps, pries your miss or kicks.
Birds, trees, hills, sky, good hearts pat you strike.
Let them sing, grab this time or drum fate.
I like the meaning that strikes me in your closing lines but the awkward grammar, stilted, disjointed, is quite distracting.
Happy to see a bit more clarity than previous poems I've reviewed of yours.
Warmly, rd
PS
A bit surprised by how many poems you've posted to the front page all at once. It would be considerate not to block so many top spots--give others a chance. my recommendation would be not to promote more than three poems at a time to top spots, and even that would be a lot. I never post more than one, myself, as a matter of principle. Of course, many members may be happy to get such a high payout as you offer...while others may be unhappy because they cannot afford to promote to high.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks
Comment from write hand blue
This is an interesting poem. When I actually try to interpret the meaning I am totally unable. Not one line I'm afraid. Perhaps it is me, example 'The sun enjoys right kiss.'?... Mel.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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This is an interesting poem. When I actually try to interpret the meaning I am totally unable. Not one line I'm afraid. Perhaps it is me, example 'The sun enjoys right kiss.'?... Mel.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks for good review
Comment from Gypsy Starchild
Wow, you are a really productive writer... It seems I have been reading a lot of your work lately... This one is one of my favorites of yours I have read.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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Wow, you are a really productive writer... It seems I have been reading a lot of your work lately... This one is one of my favorites of yours I have read.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks for good review
Comment from RJFunston
Hello,
I just read your poem. In fact, I think I read another one yesterday. Your wording is great, very simple and easy to understand. The flow is also easy, something that gives the writer a better sense of what your referring to.
Have a great day,
Robert
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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Hello,
I just read your poem. In fact, I think I read another one yesterday. Your wording is great, very simple and easy to understand. The flow is also easy, something that gives the writer a better sense of what your referring to.
Have a great day,
Robert
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks for nice review
Comment from Mastery
Sorry, once again, I do not understand the poem's meaning? Perhaps if you put something in your author's notes...just A few words to give the reader a clue about the basis. Yet, there is no doubt the piece is poetic. Bob (Mastery)
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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Sorry, once again, I do not understand the poem's meaning? Perhaps if you put something in your author's notes...just A few words to give the reader a clue about the basis. Yet, there is no doubt the piece is poetic. Bob (Mastery)
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks
Comment from TonyCr
This is great, i like the imagery throughout. Although i dont understand what it is saying. I am not going to mark it down because of that.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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This is great, i like the imagery throughout. Although i dont understand what it is saying. I am not going to mark it down because of that.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks for good review
Comment from Dave Russell
I applaud you for shortening your work compared to the others recently posted. There is more coherence in these lines but they read rather jagged with their grammar/arrangement.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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I applaud you for shortening your work compared to the others recently posted. There is more coherence in these lines but they read rather jagged with their grammar/arrangement.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks
Comment from Ira White
I like this poem as well as the last one I reviewed about the white tulip. Your archaic language sends me back to my days in college studying English literature for my degree. Nice read!
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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I like this poem as well as the last one I reviewed about the white tulip. Your archaic language sends me back to my days in college studying English literature for my degree. Nice read!
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks for nice review
Comment from donaldww
Strike while the iron's hot. The unseen eye eyes you, I guess. Why wait, sow fruits before to late. The sun would like a kiss.
Thanks for sharing your wealth (of ideas).
DW
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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Strike while the iron's hot. The unseen eye eyes you, I guess. Why wait, sow fruits before to late. The sun would like a kiss.
Thanks for sharing your wealth (of ideas).
DW
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks
