The resentment
a young girl and her dying grandmother7 total reviews
Comment from barbara.wilkey
How horrible to treat the elderly this way. Of course, she may have been difficult, but still. Thank you for sharing this contest entry with us. I enjoyed reading and wish you luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2025
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How horrible to treat the elderly this way. Of course, she may have been difficult, but still. Thank you for sharing this contest entry with us. I enjoyed reading and wish you luck with the contest.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2025
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Thank you.
Comment from Harambe iz ur Daddy
Hi Kirsten, this is a great story. You just need to make some corrections.
First off, you're over the word limit currently (152). That's easy to fix, as you repeated the title in the body text. Just remove "The Resentment" and you'll be at 150.
On to grammar:
My grandmother lay there dying. Her body a snarled version of what once was. <= An excellent description, but the second sentence here is a fragment, missing a verb. The easiest correction is simply to convert the period dividing these two sentences to a comma, and it will work fine.
My mother is making me take care of her while she worked. <= don't change the verb tense, especially within the same paragraph. Should be: "My mother WAS making me" etc.
"It's your grandmother, you will do as I told you." <=run-on Millennial-style sentence. Suggested fix: "It's your grandmother, AND YOU'LL do as I told you." fixes this would changing the word count
"Sorry, grandma" <= add a period
I shoved another spoonful into her mouth <= you need a comma here
I normally dock two stars for noncompliant contest entries, but as this is a site contest and your piece is really good, I'm only docking one. Fix all these minor errors and please message me back, and I'll add a star.
If you make your font a bit larger to increase legibility and add a good picture, like a can of soup, you may have a good shot at placing in the site contest. It's a really solid story, and way too good to not fix these little issues.
Best regards,
🦍
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2025
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Hi Kirsten, this is a great story. You just need to make some corrections.
First off, you're over the word limit currently (152). That's easy to fix, as you repeated the title in the body text. Just remove "The Resentment" and you'll be at 150.
On to grammar:
My grandmother lay there dying. Her body a snarled version of what once was. <= An excellent description, but the second sentence here is a fragment, missing a verb. The easiest correction is simply to convert the period dividing these two sentences to a comma, and it will work fine.
My mother is making me take care of her while she worked. <= don't change the verb tense, especially within the same paragraph. Should be: "My mother WAS making me" etc.
"It's your grandmother, you will do as I told you." <=run-on Millennial-style sentence. Suggested fix: "It's your grandmother, AND YOU'LL do as I told you." fixes this would changing the word count
"Sorry, grandma" <= add a period
I shoved another spoonful into her mouth <= you need a comma here
I normally dock two stars for noncompliant contest entries, but as this is a site contest and your piece is really good, I'm only docking one. Fix all these minor errors and please message me back, and I'll add a star.
If you make your font a bit larger to increase legibility and add a good picture, like a can of soup, you may have a good shot at placing in the site contest. It's a really solid story, and way too good to not fix these little issues.
Best regards,
🦍
Comment Written 17-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2025
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Thank you for pointing out my grammatical errors. Can I go back and fix them? I'm brand new here.
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Yes, go to your portfolio and you'll see an edit option on your piece. (Top menu: My > Portfolio). Let me know if you have any other questions. I can always send screenshots if you get stuck. 🦍
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Okay thank you so much
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
What a shame for this poor old lady who is dying and is being treated badly by her Granddaughter. When my Grandmother was dying in hospital she was sometimes obnoxious, but I loved her dearly and she hated being in the hospital. I made sure I stayed so that the nursing staff did not treat her badly. An unusual story Kirsten, love Dolly x x x
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2025
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What a shame for this poor old lady who is dying and is being treated badly by her Granddaughter. When my Grandmother was dying in hospital she was sometimes obnoxious, but I loved her dearly and she hated being in the hospital. I made sure I stayed so that the nursing staff did not treat her badly. An unusual story Kirsten, love Dolly x x x
Comment Written 16-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2025
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Thank you. It was so hard to write it.
Comment from jessizero
Your second sentence is a fragment. In the third sentence, you switch tenses. There are a few other little things, but they're not major. Also, the font is a bit small. I did, however, like your story very much. You did a good job with few words. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2025
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Your second sentence is a fragment. In the third sentence, you switch tenses. There are a few other little things, but they're not major. Also, the font is a bit small. I did, however, like your story very much. You did a good job with few words. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2025
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yeah, I definitely had some issues with it. I do tend to switch tenses. Thank you for pointing that out to me. It's something I need to work on more
Comment from Stacy M.S.
A very real account of a young girl attempting to car for a grumpy elderly person.
I wonder if they girl stepped away because she was frightened or nervous, or perhaps she'd just had enough of the ungrateful old woman?
Very well written.
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2025
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A very real account of a young girl attempting to car for a grumpy elderly person.
I wonder if they girl stepped away because she was frightened or nervous, or perhaps she'd just had enough of the ungrateful old woman?
Very well written.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2025
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Thank you. Yes I left it up to the audience to decide if the girl was frightened or that she just had enough. Good call on that remark.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I could really feel the discomfort in your story. Especially in the way you describe the strained relationship with the grandmother. The way you shared the emotions tied to taking care of someone who was difficult really stood out to me. The tension built perfectly when the grandmother choked. I could sense the panic and helplessness. You've written this with such honesty. Keep sharing your writing - it's incredibly powerful!
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2025
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I could really feel the discomfort in your story. Especially in the way you describe the strained relationship with the grandmother. The way you shared the emotions tied to taking care of someone who was difficult really stood out to me. The tension built perfectly when the grandmother choked. I could sense the panic and helplessness. You've written this with such honesty. Keep sharing your writing - it's incredibly powerful!
Comment Written 16-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2025
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Thank you so much. First time writing a story in only 150 words.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Well, you hit the word count right on the nose. I have to say though that the 'story' itself is a little weak. Its more a vignette rather than a full piece in itself, if you see what I mean.
"Sorry, grandma" - need closing punctuation before the closing speech marks here.
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2025
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Hi there,
Well, you hit the word count right on the nose. I have to say though that the 'story' itself is a little weak. Its more a vignette rather than a full piece in itself, if you see what I mean.
"Sorry, grandma" - need closing punctuation before the closing speech marks here.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2025
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Oh shoot I can't believe I forgot quotes marks. Thank you for pointing that out to me. Yes I had a challenge with the 150 word count I usually write at least 900 words in a short story. Thanks for your honest review.
