Oh Life!
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Losing!"Experiences of living
79 total reviews
Comment from allborn66
This is a very interesting piece. I like the repetition through out. It is a very thought-provoking poem. It is a wonderful work.
Barbara
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This is a very interesting piece. I like the repetition through out. It is a very thought-provoking poem. It is a wonderful work.
Barbara
Comment Written 18-Mar-2013
Comment from visionary1234
I'm sorry - this one doesn't make sense to me at all dear - yes, of course it's a message of faith and belief, but could do with a lot of judicious pruning as I think you can get your message across in far fewer words? :)S
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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I'm sorry - this one doesn't make sense to me at all dear - yes, of course it's a message of faith and belief, but could do with a lot of judicious pruning as I think you can get your message across in far fewer words? :)S
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks
Comment from JM daSilva
Yeah. As the poem says, "we all go to the soil." But we can come back as oil, like the dinosaurs, and move vehicles. What's interesting about nature is that the circle will go on as long as our sun persists.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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Yeah. As the poem says, "we all go to the soil." But we can come back as oil, like the dinosaurs, and move vehicles. What's interesting about nature is that the circle will go on as long as our sun persists.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks for interesting review
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Welcome.
Comment from seewhatimwritingnow
It's never too late, serve like the stick of essence,
Bow, appreciate His Infinite Gifts, Creations,
Give to mankind, that you can, please Him.
(Do all you can to please God. Do not worry about past mistakes- it is never to late to change! Give your thanks and praise to God for all He has given you. Give unto others, what you can- do this to be happy and to please God.)
Feasible His Mission of Creation is!
(It is not impossible to become what you were created to be)
Living here's a chance you got with set purpose,
Make, upkeep a relation here with Him,
Doing His given job, report back to your real abode.
( You were created by God for a set purpose. Make sure you remember this and have an on-going relationship with Him. He does His job, now it is your job to pray and give thanks to Heaven...your 'real' home.)
Balanced His Absoluteness of Creation is!
(Everything in Heaven and on Earth is balanced per God's plan)
Your roles, perform to qualify His Tests,
Dedicate your living to the cause of mankind,
He's vigilant; you can't hide to yourself and Him.
(Sometimes, we will be tested by God. How you live on earth will determine if you qualify for Heaven. Be dedicated to do good for all mankind. He sees all. Your sins cannot be hidden from Him, nor from yourself.)
Gracious His Achievement to Creation is!
(He has been gracious and has mercy on all)
Giving and serving mankind, no losing it is!
Gain, gain and gain true, all, all and all it is!
Serve mankind, as feasible, to serve Him, as it is!
(You will never lose when you dedicate your life to doing good for mankind. You will gain all and lose nothing. You will please God. Serve mankind as best you can- giving what you can afford- doing this, you are serving Him.)
Clear His Creation Causal as is!
Perfect His Order of Creation is!
(Do not be upset- do what you can, keeping a casual attitude- You will then march in His order of the perfect creation!)
Thanks, Betty
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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It's never too late, serve like the stick of essence,
Bow, appreciate His Infinite Gifts, Creations,
Give to mankind, that you can, please Him.
(Do all you can to please God. Do not worry about past mistakes- it is never to late to change! Give your thanks and praise to God for all He has given you. Give unto others, what you can- do this to be happy and to please God.)
Feasible His Mission of Creation is!
(It is not impossible to become what you were created to be)
Living here's a chance you got with set purpose,
Make, upkeep a relation here with Him,
Doing His given job, report back to your real abode.
( You were created by God for a set purpose. Make sure you remember this and have an on-going relationship with Him. He does His job, now it is your job to pray and give thanks to Heaven...your 'real' home.)
Balanced His Absoluteness of Creation is!
(Everything in Heaven and on Earth is balanced per God's plan)
Your roles, perform to qualify His Tests,
Dedicate your living to the cause of mankind,
He's vigilant; you can't hide to yourself and Him.
(Sometimes, we will be tested by God. How you live on earth will determine if you qualify for Heaven. Be dedicated to do good for all mankind. He sees all. Your sins cannot be hidden from Him, nor from yourself.)
Gracious His Achievement to Creation is!
(He has been gracious and has mercy on all)
Giving and serving mankind, no losing it is!
Gain, gain and gain true, all, all and all it is!
Serve mankind, as feasible, to serve Him, as it is!
(You will never lose when you dedicate your life to doing good for mankind. You will gain all and lose nothing. You will please God. Serve mankind as best you can- giving what you can afford- doing this, you are serving Him.)
Clear His Creation Causal as is!
Perfect His Order of Creation is!
(Do not be upset- do what you can, keeping a casual attitude- You will then march in His order of the perfect creation!)
Thanks, Betty
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks for such an awesome review
appreciated much
nice suggestion
fantastic catches
thank you once again for the professional review
Comment from muezza56
an interesting write on the poets faith, through the medium of repetition/chant. although i dont have any religious views personally.that's probably why i dont quite understand this
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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an interesting write on the poets faith, through the medium of repetition/chant. although i dont have any religious views personally.that's probably why i dont quite understand this
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks for good review
Comment from rama devi
I really like the themes your explore here. Impermanence and death are extremely relevant things to ponder and philosophize upon.
I find the style distracting and irksome to follow with the numerous spag issues, abundance of ! marks and other stylistic choices that I honestly do not understand - as they make the poem harder to digest, not easier. They draw the reader's attention away from the thematic concepts and distract them with the self-conscious or awkward form and technical aspects. That's my honest opinion. I do respect your freedom of expression, but also choose the same freedom in offering feedback with integrity and candidly. Hope you find it helpful (that's my intent).
The reverse syntax sounds like it is trying to hard to sound like Yoda (my opinion!) Rather than go line by line, I'll just give a sample edit to your first two lines. If you like the ideas and wish for more, let me know, and I'll be happy to re-review with more suggestions about making the work more grammatically sound.
Original:
Perfect His Order of Creation is!
Cease, die, and end everything, all, all and all!
All has to destroy, banish or replenish,
Go grave, burn or exist as fossils.
With edits: (according to my interpretation of your lines)
His Order of Creation is perfect!
All ceases, dies, and ends--everything--all, all and all!
All has to be destroyed, banished or replenished.
All goes to a grave, burns or exists as fossils.
**
NO idea what these line are trying to say:
Letters even to die hard,
Or sealed in history, beyond or ground.
This is a good stanza, and so true. Normally I do not like 'list' in poetry, but this is a good one:
Your status, stand, show, style, pomp, pride,
Glory, grace, power, portfolio or possession,
Like roses, all leave, you too; someone's to enjoy.
Love this concept:
Discover the truth to work, live per His Rules.
Acquire! Serve mankind in His appreciation,
Like the flowers, serve that is feasible.
However, the second two lines are very awkward.
*
It's never too late, serve like the stick of essence,
did you mean a stick of incense?
Very choppy-
Bow, appreciate His Infinite Gifts, Creations,
Give to mankind, that you can, please Him.
Love the enthusiasm here-
Giving and serving mankind, no losing it is!
Gain, gain and gain true, all, all and all it is!
Serve mankind, as feasible, to serve Him, as it is!
I've not mentioned each line that needs work, but many many lines do, in my opinion, for this poem to be easily digestible to readers and not hard to interpret. Reading it aloud, it is quite choppy and awkward. Needs more sense of cadence and musicality, in my opinion.
I love the themes, and they are ones I often write on myself. The rating is for technical aspects and readability, but six stars for the message!
Warm smiles, rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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I really like the themes your explore here. Impermanence and death are extremely relevant things to ponder and philosophize upon.
I find the style distracting and irksome to follow with the numerous spag issues, abundance of ! marks and other stylistic choices that I honestly do not understand - as they make the poem harder to digest, not easier. They draw the reader's attention away from the thematic concepts and distract them with the self-conscious or awkward form and technical aspects. That's my honest opinion. I do respect your freedom of expression, but also choose the same freedom in offering feedback with integrity and candidly. Hope you find it helpful (that's my intent).
The reverse syntax sounds like it is trying to hard to sound like Yoda (my opinion!) Rather than go line by line, I'll just give a sample edit to your first two lines. If you like the ideas and wish for more, let me know, and I'll be happy to re-review with more suggestions about making the work more grammatically sound.
Original:
Perfect His Order of Creation is!
Cease, die, and end everything, all, all and all!
All has to destroy, banish or replenish,
Go grave, burn or exist as fossils.
With edits: (according to my interpretation of your lines)
His Order of Creation is perfect!
All ceases, dies, and ends--everything--all, all and all!
All has to be destroyed, banished or replenished.
All goes to a grave, burns or exists as fossils.
**
NO idea what these line are trying to say:
Letters even to die hard,
Or sealed in history, beyond or ground.
This is a good stanza, and so true. Normally I do not like 'list' in poetry, but this is a good one:
Your status, stand, show, style, pomp, pride,
Glory, grace, power, portfolio or possession,
Like roses, all leave, you too; someone's to enjoy.
Love this concept:
Discover the truth to work, live per His Rules.
Acquire! Serve mankind in His appreciation,
Like the flowers, serve that is feasible.
However, the second two lines are very awkward.
*
It's never too late, serve like the stick of essence,
did you mean a stick of incense?
Very choppy-
Bow, appreciate His Infinite Gifts, Creations,
Give to mankind, that you can, please Him.
Love the enthusiasm here-
Giving and serving mankind, no losing it is!
Gain, gain and gain true, all, all and all it is!
Serve mankind, as feasible, to serve Him, as it is!
I've not mentioned each line that needs work, but many many lines do, in my opinion, for this poem to be easily digestible to readers and not hard to interpret. Reading it aloud, it is quite choppy and awkward. Needs more sense of cadence and musicality, in my opinion.
I love the themes, and they are ones I often write on myself. The rating is for technical aspects and readability, but six stars for the message!
Warm smiles, rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
-
thanks
Comment from RJFunston
Another great post. You are so right on the money with this one. You have put your thoughts into writing with a creative, well mean verse. I really do like your style.
Have a good day,
Robert
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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Another great post. You are so right on the money with this one. You have put your thoughts into writing with a creative, well mean verse. I really do like your style.
Have a good day,
Robert
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks for good review
Comment from Treischel
A wonderful series of tributes poetically listed here here on the attributes of Gid's creation. A wonder free verse rendition. Nicely separated with varying echoes of distinction.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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A wonderful series of tributes poetically listed here here on the attributes of Gid's creation. A wonder free verse rendition. Nicely separated with varying echoes of distinction.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks for nice review
Comment from mizzkris20
Your poem is written with great passion. The reader can feel the writer's passion. It flows well and is overall a great read. I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for sharing
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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Your poem is written with great passion. The reader can feel the writer's passion. It flows well and is overall a great read. I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for sharing
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks for good review
Comment from robina1978
I lied how you connected stanza's here with the slightly altered sentences about Creation. Slightly philosophical but also religious. Very nicely done again. You held my attention from start till finish.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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I lied how you connected stanza's here with the slightly altered sentences about Creation. Slightly philosophical but also religious. Very nicely done again. You held my attention from start till finish.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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thanks for good review
