Rookie Triumph
A baseball story18 total reviews
Comment from Janet Foor
Great story John. I loved the excitement you created throughout the story. In my family, I'm known as "Mrs. Sports". I know just enough to be dangerous. My daughter is a Div. 1 Volleyball coach, one grandson played pro soccer in Australia and the youngest one plays soccer for the US Deaf National team. My husband is a avid baseball fan. And me, I'm good at cheering them on. haha
Well done John
blessings
Janet
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2025
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Great story John. I loved the excitement you created throughout the story. In my family, I'm known as "Mrs. Sports". I know just enough to be dangerous. My daughter is a Div. 1 Volleyball coach, one grandson played pro soccer in Australia and the youngest one plays soccer for the US Deaf National team. My husband is a avid baseball fan. And me, I'm good at cheering them on. haha
Well done John
blessings
Janet
Comment Written 08-Feb-2025
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2025
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Wow. Janet thank you for such a warm review and all those stars!!
I really appreciate it. Seems like I hit a grand slam with you!
Cheers,
John
Comment from eliz100
This is an excellent story. I was at the ball field, waiting to see what would happen. I am glad it was a home run for the young man. My dad was a Little League umpire. His company had a box at Yankee Stadium on the third base line. He would make us once a summer. I do not see any need for improvement. Have a blessed day.
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2025
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This is an excellent story. I was at the ball field, waiting to see what would happen. I am glad it was a home run for the young man. My dad was a Little League umpire. His company had a box at Yankee Stadium on the third base line. He would make us once a summer. I do not see any need for improvement. Have a blessed day.
Comment Written 08-Feb-2025
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2025
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Hi Liz. Thank you for stopping by to read.
Much appreciated.
John
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
This was such a fantastic read! You captured the excitement of Travis's first at bat beautifully. I loved how you built up the moment. The way Travis acted like he'd been there before was a great touch! It felt like reading about a young player chasing his dream. Well done!
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2025
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This was such a fantastic read! You captured the excitement of Travis's first at bat beautifully. I loved how you built up the moment. The way Travis acted like he'd been there before was a great touch! It felt like reading about a young player chasing his dream. Well done!
Comment Written 07-Feb-2025
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2025
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Michael,
A great review. Thank you so much!
John
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
You brought the excitement of the game to life here John and I may not be a fan of baseball, but I enjoyed reading about these exciting moments on the pitch, love Dolly x x x
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2025
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You brought the excitement of the game to life here John and I may not be a fan of baseball, but I enjoyed reading about these exciting moments on the pitch, love Dolly x x x
Comment Written 07-Feb-2025
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2025
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I enjoy writing about baseball.
I'm thinking of backtracking this story into a middle school short story about Travis up to this point,
We'll see.
John
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This was an enjoyable read as a young man strives to prove his mettle. I could almost feel his disappointment as the first ball got past him before he could even swing. Faith in one's self can do wonders.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2025
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This was an enjoyable read as a young man strives to prove his mettle. I could almost feel his disappointment as the first ball got past him before he could even swing. Faith in one's self can do wonders.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2025
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2025
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Thank you Carol for this kind worded review,
John
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
I don't know much about baseball to follow your well described flash fiction. I know it was a good day for Travis and meant a lot to him.
I am from Spain. We don't play baseball.... we play football... what you call soccer .
Well done!
Gypsy
"The poet waits quietly to paint the unsaid." - Â Atticus
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2025
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I don't know much about baseball to follow your well described flash fiction. I know it was a good day for Travis and meant a lot to him.
I am from Spain. We don't play baseball.... we play football... what you call soccer .
Well done!
Gypsy
"The poet waits quietly to paint the unsaid." - Â Atticus
Comment Written 06-Feb-2025
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2025
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My youngest son played soccer from 1st grade through high school.
Thank you for reading.
Awesome...
John
Comment from LJbutterfly
Your clear and detailed descriptions put me on the field and allowed me to envision each move as though I were there. You did an excellent job building suspense, causing the reader to root for Travis prior to Travis finally hitting the ball. Enjoyable story.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2025
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Your clear and detailed descriptions put me on the field and allowed me to envision each move as though I were there. You did an excellent job building suspense, causing the reader to root for Travis prior to Travis finally hitting the ball. Enjoyable story.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2025
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2025
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LJ,
Thank you for the great review. I always appreciate your kind words.
John
Comment from lyenochka
Great baseball storytelling, John! I loved how you added humor through the catcher's snide remarks and how he even congratulated him at the end. I like how the rookie kept his cool and talked to his bat. Enjoyed your story!
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2025
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Great baseball storytelling, John! I loved how you added humor through the catcher's snide remarks and how he even congratulated him at the end. I like how the rookie kept his cool and talked to his bat. Enjoyed your story!
Comment Written 05-Feb-2025
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2025
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Thank you Helen for the fine review and supportive comments.
Note: my son and I went to a small Korean fusion place for lunch. We both had a Bibimbap burger topped with julienned carrot, kimchi, spicy pear sauce and topped with a sunny egg.
Delicious. I might post it, there is a story involved.
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Oh yum! Bibimbap is one of my favorite meals. I'm curious how a hamburger is added! I do some Asian fusion dishes using bulgogi and lettuce or in a tortilla. Looking forward to that post!!
Comment from Jim Wile
This was really good, John. You put me right into Travis's mind as he went through this at-bat. Very realistic, and your final paragraph was superb.
Since I write most of my stuff in first person, I don't have a problem expressing the internal thoughts of my characters. But in a third person story like this one, there are several techniques that can be used to do this. A very good one is called "free indirect discourse," which is an attempt to seamlessly blend a character's personal thoughts with the narrative voice of the third person narrator. It doesn't require italics or speech tags like "he thought," but is obvious just by the language itself.
Here's a way to do it in the following paragraph from your story:
But the ball sailed high and the kid could hear the pitcher curse his own wildness before turning to face the outfield. Another spring of having to prove myself against a new crop of wet-behind-the-ears kids, he mumbled to himself.
But the ball sailed high and the kid could hear the pitcher curse his own wildness before turning to face the outfield. Another spring of having to prove himself against a new crop of wet-behind-the-ears kids!
No italics necessary for the thought. No speech tag either. The reader just knows this is the pitcher's internal thought.
Your final paragraph is a perfect example of free indirect discourse:
Travis nodded, grabbed his bat and trotted back to the dugout. It was a home run in a meaningless game on an Arizona practice field both miles and years away from the major leagues. Today, though, it meant everything.
This was a very strong paragraph, and you put us right into Travis's mind with it. It was obvious that the thought was Travis's. No italics or speech tags were necessary. You showed us the significance of the event to him even though in reality it meant little.
I am just learning how to do this myself because a portion of my current novel is written in third person, so I thought I would share it with you. You may want to Google it to get a much more thorough discussion of it with good examples.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2025
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This was really good, John. You put me right into Travis's mind as he went through this at-bat. Very realistic, and your final paragraph was superb.
Since I write most of my stuff in first person, I don't have a problem expressing the internal thoughts of my characters. But in a third person story like this one, there are several techniques that can be used to do this. A very good one is called "free indirect discourse," which is an attempt to seamlessly blend a character's personal thoughts with the narrative voice of the third person narrator. It doesn't require italics or speech tags like "he thought," but is obvious just by the language itself.
Here's a way to do it in the following paragraph from your story:
But the ball sailed high and the kid could hear the pitcher curse his own wildness before turning to face the outfield. Another spring of having to prove myself against a new crop of wet-behind-the-ears kids, he mumbled to himself.
But the ball sailed high and the kid could hear the pitcher curse his own wildness before turning to face the outfield. Another spring of having to prove himself against a new crop of wet-behind-the-ears kids!
No italics necessary for the thought. No speech tag either. The reader just knows this is the pitcher's internal thought.
Your final paragraph is a perfect example of free indirect discourse:
Travis nodded, grabbed his bat and trotted back to the dugout. It was a home run in a meaningless game on an Arizona practice field both miles and years away from the major leagues. Today, though, it meant everything.
This was a very strong paragraph, and you put us right into Travis's mind with it. It was obvious that the thought was Travis's. No italics or speech tags were necessary. You showed us the significance of the event to him even though in reality it meant little.
I am just learning how to do this myself because a portion of my current novel is written in third person, so I thought I would share it with you. You may want to Google it to get a much more thorough discussion of it with good examples.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2025
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2025
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Jim,
This is by far the most detailed, comprehensive review I've gotten. I will look at what you recommended and detailed for me.
I'm thinking of taking this story and backtracking Travis to his early years and through high school.
Middle school level.
We'll see.
Thanks again, my friend.
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I hope you do it, John. I love a good baseball story!
Comment from Wendy G
Baseball has never really caught on in Australia, although I knew some basics from its similarity to softball, which also is a minor sport. Your story was interesting and entertaining, and I could see how much it would mean to everyone in the US. Well written too.
Wendy
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2025
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Baseball has never really caught on in Australia, although I knew some basics from its similarity to softball, which also is a minor sport. Your story was interesting and entertaining, and I could see how much it would mean to everyone in the US. Well written too.
Wendy
Comment Written 05-Feb-2025
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2025
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Thank you Wendy for the supportive review. Much appreciated.
John
