Running for my life
City sewer lizard man hijinx2 total reviews
Comment from SimianSavant
This is a good start. Here are some grammatical corrections and recommendations:
but they were too, and with haste.<= are you referring to your pursuers? If so, it doesn't make sense that they are also running for their lives, so you can omit this part and save yourself seven words.
I hopped a car <= ?? What does this mean? You jumped over a car? Clarity is very important in action sequences. If you mean to say that you dodged around a car, make sure you say that exactly
man hole so conveniently unattended <= manhole is one word and I would get rid of the word "so". That gives you back a couple words.
smattering water <= the word you are looking for is splashing, or scattering. Smattering means something very different.
Insert a paragraph break after you lose consciousness.
In walked who I assumed would be a nurse <= you are missing a word after "walked". It could be: someone, a figure. But what I would recommend instead is to shorten this sentence: In walked a scaley man [etc]. This gives you back another 10 words.
If you make these changes, you will have saved yourself almost 20 words that you can use to add description in other critical places, perhaps to give more context to who you were running from, the pursuit, or the situation where you end up.
I hope this is helpful to you. Please message me back if you revise your piece so I can re-review it and hopefully upgrade the rating.
Thanks for the read and best regards,
🦍
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This is a good start. Here are some grammatical corrections and recommendations:
but they were too, and with haste.<= are you referring to your pursuers? If so, it doesn't make sense that they are also running for their lives, so you can omit this part and save yourself seven words.
I hopped a car <= ?? What does this mean? You jumped over a car? Clarity is very important in action sequences. If you mean to say that you dodged around a car, make sure you say that exactly
man hole so conveniently unattended <= manhole is one word and I would get rid of the word "so". That gives you back a couple words.
smattering water <= the word you are looking for is splashing, or scattering. Smattering means something very different.
Insert a paragraph break after you lose consciousness.
In walked who I assumed would be a nurse <= you are missing a word after "walked". It could be: someone, a figure. But what I would recommend instead is to shorten this sentence: In walked a scaley man [etc]. This gives you back another 10 words.
If you make these changes, you will have saved yourself almost 20 words that you can use to add description in other critical places, perhaps to give more context to who you were running from, the pursuit, or the situation where you end up.
I hope this is helpful to you. Please message me back if you revise your piece so I can re-review it and hopefully upgrade the rating.
Thanks for the read and best regards,
🦍
Comment Written 14-Dec-2024
Comment from kahpot
I am so glad that this is fiction, as it would be quite scary to be running around in the sewers, and not knowing you might find down there, best wishes for your contest****kahpot
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I am so glad that this is fiction, as it would be quite scary to be running around in the sewers, and not knowing you might find down there, best wishes for your contest****kahpot
Comment Written 14-Dec-2024