Happenstance Dreams
A couple's long distance unexpected romance10 total reviews
Comment from SimianSavant
This is well written. There just seem to be a couple potential issues with the meter, unless I am reading it incorrectly:
Unforeseen, but found, its pages gleam <= this one works if the reader intuits that the first two syllables are borrowed from the previous line (a half beat pickup)
The wandering zephyrs faint sound, <= accent is on first syllable of zephyrs, which clashes with your meter
Carries a tune of joy unbound. <= requires first beat to be read as a triplet. You can avoid this by removing "a", and making tune plural (tunes)
It's worth undeclared, yet profound, <= forces the accent on the second accent of unDEclared, instead of the natural accent on the last syllable
Serendipitous love abounds. <= forces a triplet on di-pi-tous
Triplets are fine as long as you're aware of them, so the only real problem you have to resolve is with the zephyrs line. The other tip I suggest is avoiding plural near-rhymes, such as profound/abounds. The S at the end is so conspicuous that it takes away from the smoothness of your rhyme, and you have two adjacent pairs of near rhymes in your last quatrain which makes it stick out even more. I'm sure with a bit of tweaking you could level up your last six lines.
Thanks for the read,
🦍
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This is well written. There just seem to be a couple potential issues with the meter, unless I am reading it incorrectly:
Unforeseen, but found, its pages gleam <= this one works if the reader intuits that the first two syllables are borrowed from the previous line (a half beat pickup)
The wandering zephyrs faint sound, <= accent is on first syllable of zephyrs, which clashes with your meter
Carries a tune of joy unbound. <= requires first beat to be read as a triplet. You can avoid this by removing "a", and making tune plural (tunes)
It's worth undeclared, yet profound, <= forces the accent on the second accent of unDEclared, instead of the natural accent on the last syllable
Serendipitous love abounds. <= forces a triplet on di-pi-tous
Triplets are fine as long as you're aware of them, so the only real problem you have to resolve is with the zephyrs line. The other tip I suggest is avoiding plural near-rhymes, such as profound/abounds. The S at the end is so conspicuous that it takes away from the smoothness of your rhyme, and you have two adjacent pairs of near rhymes in your last quatrain which makes it stick out even more. I'm sure with a bit of tweaking you could level up your last six lines.
Thanks for the read,
🦍
Comment Written 15-Dec-2024
Comment from tempeste
Ciao mystery poet, you now have 10 votes.
Love the poetry, the enchantment, and the magical vibe. a place where nothing is impossible.
I read it several times .a delightful read!
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Ciao mystery poet, you now have 10 votes.
Love the poetry, the enchantment, and the magical vibe. a place where nothing is impossible.
I read it several times .a delightful read!
Comment Written 15-Dec-2024
Comment from Dr. Nad
This is such a lovely poem that celebrates a wonderful blossoming love affair. There are some things you can see and predict and other things you can't. You have described for us something that we couldn't predict but we can celebrate. Thanks for sharing with us and oh by the way, you've got my vote in the contest.
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This is such a lovely poem that celebrates a wonderful blossoming love affair. There are some things you can see and predict and other things you can't. You have described for us something that we couldn't predict but we can celebrate. Thanks for sharing with us and oh by the way, you've got my vote in the contest.
Comment Written 14-Dec-2024
Comment from Teri7
This is a very well written poem you have penned for the Serendipity contest. You used great descriptive words, and the imagery goes perfect with your words. Best wishes in the contest. Teri
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This is a very well written poem you have penned for the Serendipity contest. You used great descriptive words, and the imagery goes perfect with your words. Best wishes in the contest. Teri
Comment Written 14-Dec-2024
Comment from June Sargent
"Where paths unknown and fates embrace, a moment blooms..." is such powerful imagery highlighting an unexpected connection made from a chance meeting of two souls. Greet piece for the contest. Well done!
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"Where paths unknown and fates embrace, a moment blooms..." is such powerful imagery highlighting an unexpected connection made from a chance meeting of two souls. Greet piece for the contest. Well done!
Comment Written 13-Dec-2024
Comment from Cecilia A Heiskary
This is a great poem about serendipity and the chance of a love connection. I like the way the poem flows from beginning to end.
Well done and good luck in contest.
Cecilia
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This is a great poem about serendipity and the chance of a love connection. I like the way the poem flows from beginning to end.
Well done and good luck in contest.
Cecilia
Comment Written 12-Dec-2024
Comment from Peter Jarvis
Your poem is beautifully crafted, capturing the essence of serendipity and the unexpected nature of love. The imagery and flow of your words create a vivid and enchanting narrative, evoking a sense of wonder and discovery.
Each stanza paints a scene that is both poignant and hopeful, reflecting the unpredictable yet profoundly meaningful connections we make in life. Your use of nature metaphors, like rivers, woods, and zephyrs, enhances the sense of a journey filled with hidden treasures and moments of pure joy.
Thank you for sharing this lovely piece. Your ability to convey deep emotions and intricate themes through poetry is truly remarkable.
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Your poem is beautifully crafted, capturing the essence of serendipity and the unexpected nature of love. The imagery and flow of your words create a vivid and enchanting narrative, evoking a sense of wonder and discovery.
Each stanza paints a scene that is both poignant and hopeful, reflecting the unpredictable yet profoundly meaningful connections we make in life. Your use of nature metaphors, like rivers, woods, and zephyrs, enhances the sense of a journey filled with hidden treasures and moments of pure joy.
Thank you for sharing this lovely piece. Your ability to convey deep emotions and intricate themes through poetry is truly remarkable.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2024
Comment from Tom Horonzy
You have painted a lovely picture. That said lines 13-14 had me think if they should read singularly..?
The wandering breeze (not breezes) faintly sounds,
Carries a tune, of joy unbound.
... for what its worth.
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You have painted a lovely picture. That said lines 13-14 had me think if they should read singularly..?
The wandering breeze (not breezes) faintly sounds,
Carries a tune, of joy unbound.
... for what its worth.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2024
Comment from Lana Marie
You're right so beautifully it sounds very poetic, which I know I'm sure that is the goal. A lovely poem on serendipity. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing your gift.
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You're right so beautifully it sounds very poetic, which I know I'm sure that is the goal. A lovely poem on serendipity. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing your gift.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2024
Comment from Y. M. Roger
An appealing collection of quatrains that certainly pulls from many sources of what any reader could relate to as serendipitous... Thanx for sharing and best of luck! ;)
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An appealing collection of quatrains that certainly pulls from many sources of what any reader could relate to as serendipitous... Thanx for sharing and best of luck! ;)
Comment Written 11-Dec-2024