Ben Paul Persons
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Ben Paul Persons, Ch 3"A fresh calling
10 total reviews
Comment from BethShelby
I glad they were able to find Slim and rescue him. He is wise to let the shooter assume he is dead so he want come looking for him again. These characters are interesting.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2024
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I glad they were able to find Slim and rescue him. He is wise to let the shooter assume he is dead so he want come looking for him again. These characters are interesting.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2024
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Thank you. I always appreciate your reviews and comments.
Comment from Jim Wile
Well, that was pretty exciting. I like the way they reasoned out what must have happened to Slim and then found him. Clever idea also to figure to let Framer/Farmer go on thinking he'd accomplished his mission. Now, I wonder if they're going to let him off scot-free or go after him for some justice of their own.
I think it might have been a good idea to have filled the readers in a little more about the history between Jackson and Slim and Mary. I've kind of forgotten the details of his death, and I read the story. A new reader won't know any of that and just hears some random name--Jackson--and may wonder what that's all about. The clues are there: Jackson was Mary's ex, Farmer was a close cousin, but it's all so sketchy.
I find I often have to reread your chapters to put all the pieces together because I get confused, and it takes me a while to piece it all together. I know you have an economical writing style. It contrasts quite a bit with my own, which tends to be verbose. Maybe we could both find a happy medium.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2024
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Well, that was pretty exciting. I like the way they reasoned out what must have happened to Slim and then found him. Clever idea also to figure to let Framer/Farmer go on thinking he'd accomplished his mission. Now, I wonder if they're going to let him off scot-free or go after him for some justice of their own.
I think it might have been a good idea to have filled the readers in a little more about the history between Jackson and Slim and Mary. I've kind of forgotten the details of his death, and I read the story. A new reader won't know any of that and just hears some random name--Jackson--and may wonder what that's all about. The clues are there: Jackson was Mary's ex, Farmer was a close cousin, but it's all so sketchy.
I find I often have to reread your chapters to put all the pieces together because I get confused, and it takes me a while to piece it all together. I know you have an economical writing style. It contrasts quite a bit with my own, which tends to be verbose. Maybe we could both find a happy medium.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2024
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I could/should increase the prologue. And double check the list of characters in Author's Notes. The trouble is that FanStory is better designed for short stories and poems than for books. I post chapter segments (calling them chapters) and reviewers read many, many posts between my postings.
Thanks for your input. I always appreciate your comments.
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That definitely is a difficulty when presenting a novel on FanStory. Unless you post a chapter or two every day, which I don't recommend, people can lose the thread of the story. That's why I've chosen to do a fairly detailed chapter recap, but if you referencing something prior to that, people do tend to forget.
I've kind of geared my writing towards a FanStory audience (since I've found it impossible to break into traditional publishing, and I don't have any desire anymore to self-publish on Amazon because nobody can find it unless you have a big social media presence and promote it yourself), so, besides a few family and friends, FanStory is my audience.
I don't mind being a little repetitious if I think it will jog people's memories of prior events. It's always a judgment call, though.
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And to continue with that, if you're presenting a sequel, you have to bear in mind that new readers won't always know what you're talking about if you refer to characters or events from prior stories. If you need to, it's always a good idea to put the names or events in context by relating part of the previous story. Even prior readers will appreciate this, because they won't always remember all the details of the other story.
Again, it's a judgment call as to how much to present. In this case, I think less is not always more and enough needs to be said to give the proper context for the current story.
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One last thing: I'm not sure increasing the prologue is really the way to go. Then it becomes a big information dump which is a poor way to begin a novel. You need to start with some action and bring in the background gradually as it pertains to what's happening.
For example, when you mentioned Jackson first in this chapter, you might have stopped and digressed a little and explained exactly who he was, what he did, and why his cousin is now seeking revenge. I had kind of forgotten about Jackson and had to read this over a few times to get back into that part of the story. With just a few paragraphs, you could have established the context in a more detailed way. This kidnapping of Slim was a rather important event that would have warranted a more complete and detailed background.
As I said before, you supplied a few pieces, of that, but it was a real strain for me to put those together and remember that scene from the other story.
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I think you missed my point. In your work, you have a fairly comprehensive synopsis before the new chapter begins. That is only necessary in FanStory. Nothing required in a novel, not even what you suggest here since scenes follow mere pages away.
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Those are valid points. I presently have the work divided into 2 volumes: Ben Persons birth to final death, then Tony (St Louis), Slim (Right in the Eye), and Ben Paul Persons (the one I'm posting now).
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
Why do I feel that Mr. "Framer" may make a follow-up visit to the motel? Slim has a guardian angel who watches over him. And now Ben Paul and Sylvia (and, hopefully, Benji) can leave for their planned adventure.
This subject is familiar to you and I can tell that you're comfortable writing it. Thanks for sharing.
xo
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2024
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Why do I feel that Mr. "Framer" may make a follow-up visit to the motel? Slim has a guardian angel who watches over him. And now Ben Paul and Sylvia (and, hopefully, Benji) can leave for their planned adventure.
This subject is familiar to you and I can tell that you're comfortable writing it. Thanks for sharing.
xo
Comment Written 06-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2024
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Thank you.
I guess, sorta. I enjoy, and have a familiarity with the genre, and love the region. And Debbie and I travel - and fantasize plots... well, I fantasize and she shakes her head - just kidding... sorta.
(smiley face here)
Thanks again.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
I'm a little confused who did what to whom, but it seems Slim want to leave well enough alone and let someone (Farmer/Frame) think he was dead and everything was even. That makes sense, and Ben Paul and Sylvia are off on their trip as soon as Benji decides if he is staying or going to take a trip.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2024
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I'm a little confused who did what to whom, but it seems Slim want to leave well enough alone and let someone (Farmer/Frame) think he was dead and everything was even. That makes sense, and Ben Paul and Sylvia are off on their trip as soon as Benji decides if he is staying or going to take a trip.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2024
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Thank you. At about chapter 130, Slim and Mary killed her ex-husband, who hadn't accepted the divorce. Farmer was a cousin of the ex. All is now good.
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I do remember that now. This outcome makes sense.
Comment from lyenochka
Well that was a quick search and rescue! And they have a good idea of who the suspect is. I am guessing our fearless team will somehow bring justice to that suspect in short order.
I was wondering what you meant about the odd pronunciation of Goldman. Does the deputy have some bias against the name?
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2024
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Well that was a quick search and rescue! And they have a good idea of who the suspect is. I am guessing our fearless team will somehow bring justice to that suspect in short order.
I was wondering what you meant about the odd pronunciation of Goldman. Does the deputy have some bias against the name?
Comment Written 05-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2024
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Thank you for your very nice review.
The deputy knows that Goldman is not Slim's real name but is willing to let it go.
No, they're willing to let Farmer go on back home believing he had avenged his cousin. Their theory being that he might return before being captured and be more successful the second time.
Comment from Wendy G
I am glad they found him and he is not dead, but why anyone would want him dead remains a mystery. The police don't seem oo concerned about accuracy.
Well done.
Wendy
Ben paul (Paul), Slim and mary (Mary)
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2024
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I am glad they found him and he is not dead, but why anyone would want him dead remains a mystery. The police don't seem oo concerned about accuracy.
Well done.
Wendy
Ben paul (Paul), Slim and mary (Mary)
Comment Written 05-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2024
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Thank you for your very nice review, and for the catches. My shift key is failing (the 2nd keyboard to do that).
They're willing to let Farmer go on back home believing he had avenged his cousin (Jackson, Mary's ex-husband who Slim and Mary killed back in chapter 130(?)). Their theory being that he might return before being captured and be more successful the second time.
The police agree with their assessment of a more successful 2nd attempt.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I really enjoyed this chapter! Your characters have so much personality. And Slim's dry humor added a lot of charm. Being shot in the eye made me grin. The pacing felt natural. The dialogue had a conversational flow that pulled me right into the scene. The mystery around Jackson's cousin kept things interesting. Keep up the great storytelling!
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2024
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I really enjoyed this chapter! Your characters have so much personality. And Slim's dry humor added a lot of charm. Being shot in the eye made me grin. The pacing felt natural. The dialogue had a conversational flow that pulled me right into the scene. The mystery around Jackson's cousin kept things interesting. Keep up the great storytelling!
Comment Written 05-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2024
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Thank you for your great review. I really appreciate it.
Comment from royowen
Their collective worry about Slim caused to search for the old bloke, has brought some fruit in that it gained some reward in finding him dazed and wounded in the heard by a bullet, but as always God had been looking after him, apart from a little hyper thermos and blood loss, all else was intact, well done, Wayne, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2024
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Their collective worry about Slim caused to search for the old bloke, has brought some fruit in that it gained some reward in finding him dazed and wounded in the heard by a bullet, but as always God had been looking after him, apart from a little hyper thermos and blood loss, all else was intact, well done, Wayne, blessings Roy
Comment Written 05-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2024
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Well, except for his fan-tailed ear. (smiley face here)
Thank you for your very nice review.
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Most welcome
Comment from Ric Myworld
It's always a pleasure to read about characters of all kinds no matter what they are doing. We can almost always tell those you have learned from reading or movies, and those you have experience the characters in real life. And it certainly makes a huge difference. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2024
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It's always a pleasure to read about characters of all kinds no matter what they are doing. We can almost always tell those you have learned from reading or movies, and those you have experience the characters in real life. And it certainly makes a huge difference. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2024
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Hmmm.
I don't know where Ben Parsons came from... my wishful dreams, maybe.
Comment from Cecilia A Heiskary
Wayne,
This is another fine chapter of your book. It appears Slim had a rough night. This book is well organized and flows quite nicely.
Well done my friend
Cecilia
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2024
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Wayne,
This is another fine chapter of your book. It appears Slim had a rough night. This book is well organized and flows quite nicely.
Well done my friend
Cecilia
Comment Written 05-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2024
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Thank you so very much. I appreciate your taking the time to read and review.
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Wayne,
You're welcome
Cecilia