The Story Gone Wrong
A Night On The Town8 total reviews
Comment from LJbutterfly
This is the perfect short story to remind young people why it is never a wise idea to over indulge at a party. But if you do, you are foolish to try to drive. Fortunately, Sam left his car in place. Great short story. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2024
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This is the perfect short story to remind young people why it is never a wise idea to over indulge at a party. But if you do, you are foolish to try to drive. Fortunately, Sam left his car in place. Great short story. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 01-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2024
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Thanks, we survived, now grown up and no fun. Can't even go up or down stairs now.
Comment from Nicki.B
Uh oh! Night on the town gone terribly wrong. I'm sure at one point or another many of us hav experienced that 'Night gone wrong'- well I know I have lol! Great story, good luck with the contest.
Best Wishes
Nicki
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2024
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Uh oh! Night on the town gone terribly wrong. I'm sure at one point or another many of us hav experienced that 'Night gone wrong'- well I know I have lol! Great story, good luck with the contest.
Best Wishes
Nicki
Comment Written 01-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2024
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Thanks. Glad to hear I am not alone, Happier those days are long gone.
Comment from phill doran
Hello Rick,
This reads (and is written) like it is based on a true story! It is certainly a tale.
But given that it is such a short piece, and a competition, you might want to look at your punctuation. These are just suggestions, and are not definitive.
Sam knew he was in trouble. He lost the car last night. Didn't know where it was. His father shouted (colon) "where (should be capital W) is the damn car".(I think this should end ?" as it is a question. If you think the full stop is correct, it needs to be inside the inverted commas) Sam turned to face his father, (remove the extra space) his father jump back, (I think you need a colon : here, not a comma) "what (again, capital W) happened to your face". (I think this should end ?" as it is a question. If you think the full stop is correct, it needs to be inside the inverted commas) One side was torn up, (full stop) "I don't know". (full stop inside the inverted commas) I was on a date with Monica last night so I called her. She told me (colon) " you (should be a capital Y and you need to remove the extra space before it) drank a lot, insisted on going to the party. The car is there. You puked and needed a bath, then fell face first from the top of the stairs". (full stop inside the inverted commas) Story over.
I would also suggest that you make use of the space you have. Speech should perhaps be on separate lines, for clarity - for example:
"What happened to your face?"
One side was torn up.
"I don't know."
I was on a date with Monica last night so I called her. She told me -
"You drank a lot, insisted...
I mean no disrespect to your work and I wish you well with your continued writing.
Cheers
phill
** This reviewer has pledged to rate in accordance with site guidelines. **
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2024
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Hello Rick,
This reads (and is written) like it is based on a true story! It is certainly a tale.
But given that it is such a short piece, and a competition, you might want to look at your punctuation. These are just suggestions, and are not definitive.
Sam knew he was in trouble. He lost the car last night. Didn't know where it was. His father shouted (colon) "where (should be capital W) is the damn car".(I think this should end ?" as it is a question. If you think the full stop is correct, it needs to be inside the inverted commas) Sam turned to face his father, (remove the extra space) his father jump back, (I think you need a colon : here, not a comma) "what (again, capital W) happened to your face". (I think this should end ?" as it is a question. If you think the full stop is correct, it needs to be inside the inverted commas) One side was torn up, (full stop) "I don't know". (full stop inside the inverted commas) I was on a date with Monica last night so I called her. She told me (colon) " you (should be a capital Y and you need to remove the extra space before it) drank a lot, insisted on going to the party. The car is there. You puked and needed a bath, then fell face first from the top of the stairs". (full stop inside the inverted commas) Story over.
I would also suggest that you make use of the space you have. Speech should perhaps be on separate lines, for clarity - for example:
"What happened to your face?"
One side was torn up.
"I don't know."
I was on a date with Monica last night so I called her. She told me -
"You drank a lot, insisted...
I mean no disrespect to your work and I wish you well with your continued writing.
Cheers
phill
** This reviewer has pledged to rate in accordance with site guidelines. **
Comment Written 01-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2024
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Thanks for your review and helpful comments. This whole process is new to me and only really started any writing was last February. Will take some time but how this needed to have the proper punctuation. The event did happen but to my older brother, but I hate to say It was quite a seen and quite funny.
Comment from Begin Again
Alcohol wins again! It's quite a story to cram into 100 words, and I can envision what happened. However, I suggest you proofread and separate your dialogue, too. Since it's a contest, you need a tidy little story.
His father shouted "where is the damn car". Sam turned to face his father, his father jump back, "what happened to your face". One side was torn up, "I don't know".
His father shouted, "Where is the damn car?"
Sam turned to face his father, but his father jumped back. "What happened to your face?"
One side was torn up.
"I don't know."
etc, etc. You need capitalization and punctuation for a proper story.
Smiles, Carol
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2024
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Alcohol wins again! It's quite a story to cram into 100 words, and I can envision what happened. However, I suggest you proofread and separate your dialogue, too. Since it's a contest, you need a tidy little story.
His father shouted "where is the damn car". Sam turned to face his father, his father jump back, "what happened to your face". One side was torn up, "I don't know".
His father shouted, "Where is the damn car?"
Sam turned to face his father, but his father jumped back. "What happened to your face?"
One side was torn up.
"I don't know."
etc, etc. You need capitalization and punctuation for a proper story.
Smiles, Carol
Comment Written 30-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2024
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Thanks a lot, this did happen but to my older brother, need help with punctuation as this is totally new to me.
Comment from Tim Margetts
Ah the days of my youth.
I never fell from the top of some stairs but I have been to plenty of parties like that, even ran a few of them myself.
Using the bath as a punchbowl with everyone just chucking in whatever bottle they brought along. Now that was one hell of a party.
The punch didn't taste too bad either.
Tim
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Ah the days of my youth.
I never fell from the top of some stairs but I have been to plenty of parties like that, even ran a few of them myself.
Using the bath as a punchbowl with everyone just chucking in whatever bottle they brought along. Now that was one hell of a party.
The punch didn't taste too bad either.
Tim
Comment Written 29-Nov-2024
Comment from Cecilia A Heiskary
Rick,
You are brilliant coming up with a complete story in only 100 words. Your story is smooth throughout and flows quite nicely to completion.
Well done my friend and good luck in the contest
Cecilia
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2024
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Rick,
You are brilliant coming up with a complete story in only 100 words. Your story is smooth throughout and flows quite nicely to completion.
Well done my friend and good luck in the contest
Cecilia
Comment Written 28-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2024
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Thanks again, the story is true, but it was my older brother, home for Thanksgiving 1970 or so
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Rick,
You're welcome and still brilliant!! True stories are sometimes the best.
Cecilia
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This flash idea seems to attract me. Have had an interesting life. I once walked through a herd of elk, touching them. Called myself "runs with Elk"
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Rick,
I don't know if you're brave or stupid (meant in a nice way). Walking through a herd of elk seems sketchy if you ask me "runs with Elk" I suppose being a vet you had all sorts of sketchy animals you took care of. I know my Kratos the Pit Bull can scare the snot out of people.
Cecilia
Comment from Jasmine Girl
Wow. This is what the alcohol will do to you. You don't remember what happened. He was lucky that Monica remembered. I imagine he was bleeding, too. Why didn't the dad notice the blood? Maybe Monica cleaned it for him.
Well done.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2024
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Wow. This is what the alcohol will do to you. You don't remember what happened. He was lucky that Monica remembered. I imagine he was bleeding, too. Why didn't the dad notice the blood? Maybe Monica cleaned it for him.
Well done.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2024
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Rest of the story.This happened to my brother, Thanksgiving 1970 or so. home from college for the break. His face looked like the so called raspberry go get on your arm after falling off your bike.
Comment from kahpot
Excellent, been there done that, (in my younger years of course)
I am not good at grammar but are you sure that "pucked" is right, none the less a wonderful read, brought back memories, best wishes for your contest****kahpot
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2024
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Excellent, been there done that, (in my younger years of course)
I am not good at grammar but are you sure that "pucked" is right, none the less a wonderful read, brought back memories, best wishes for your contest****kahpot
Comment Written 28-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2024
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Thanks, I will change to the right puked.