Angry Grandma
Don't get Grandma mad, she will kick your ass.6 total reviews
Comment from Gayla putnam
You told the story and captured the emotions in 60 words. You need to watch which person you write the story in, first, second, or third. Also, it would be best if you had quotes to tell us that the first sentence is dialogue--the transitions between events need to be smoother. Is the California incident relevant to the current story? Just my opinion, but your grandmother does sound like a kick-ass woman. gayla
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2024
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You told the story and captured the emotions in 60 words. You need to watch which person you write the story in, first, second, or third. Also, it would be best if you had quotes to tell us that the first sentence is dialogue--the transitions between events need to be smoother. Is the California incident relevant to the current story? Just my opinion, but your grandmother does sound like a kick-ass woman. gayla
Comment Written 28-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2024
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Thanks for the review, I am trying to become better at understanding some of the finer need to be more aware of the proper way to write. Writing this story about grandma is one of many, The words in the story are just what she proudly told us grand kids, we listened carefully.
Comment from DonandVicki
Sounds a lot like a very tough woman. My mother-in-law was a lot like that. She slept with a Taurus 357 under her pillow, needless to say she spent the last ten years alone in her bed.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2024
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Sounds a lot like a very tough woman. My mother-in-law was a lot like that. She slept with a Taurus 357 under her pillow, needless to say she spent the last ten years alone in her bed.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2024
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Sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. Grandma was tough at all times, lived to 104 and would tell you how to behave even up to her last days.
Comment from LJbutterfly
Wow! I noticed this short flash story is non-fiction. I'll bet, not too many people tried to mess with your grandma...not if they knew her. I liked this story about a powerful woman. Best wishes in the contest.
My only suggestion for improvement is that you use quotation marks when someone is speaking. The quotation marks separate speech from narrative. Example from your story:
"Harry chase that bastard, I am going to kick his ass." She did with a smile.
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2024
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Wow! I noticed this short flash story is non-fiction. I'll bet, not too many people tried to mess with your grandma...not if they knew her. I liked this story about a powerful woman. Best wishes in the contest.
My only suggestion for improvement is that you use quotation marks when someone is speaking. The quotation marks separate speech from narrative. Example from your story:
"Harry chase that bastard, I am going to kick his ass." She did with a smile.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2024
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Thanks she said this out load to us grand children, too young to know what quotation marks were. Just as she said them. My thoughts are of her at that time of my life. Many stories of what she was capable of doing.
Comment from Cecilia A Heiskary
What a great job telling a story in 60 words. That is some talent. It flows nicely from beginning to end.
Well done and good luck in the contest.
Cecilia
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2024
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What a great job telling a story in 60 words. That is some talent. It flows nicely from beginning to end.
Well done and good luck in the contest.
Cecilia
Comment Written 27-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2024
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Thanks, you have always made me feel I have accomplished something.
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I'm glad I can do that for you. I love this forum because it is a confidence booster for you and me.
Cecilia
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She was tough as nails, A funny addition. She took her boys, moved them by a wagon to another town, left a note to my grandfather if he wanted his family he could come find them.
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Funny Story. It's good to here there are some tough women back in the day.
Cecilia
Comment from phill doran
Hello Anon,
Don't mess with the old folk! A very funny character you have there, indeed.
This is a very difficult challenge, to write a comprehensible tale in 60-words, and your punctuation and presentation will be key to achieving your aim.
I think this is where you could make some adjustments.
As it stands, a reader needs to read the text more than once to gain meaning.
For example -
"Harry, get me that shotgun. I am going to blow this son of a bitch to Kingdom Come."
Someone was trying to climb into their room. Grandma was going to take no prisoners. Once, in California, someone ran them off the road.
"Harry, chase that bastard. I am going to kick his ass!"
She did, with a smile.
This is perhaps easier on the reader. Having said that, I was uncertain if 'Harry chase that bastard.' was spoken, or if you meant 'chased' and it was a reference to what happened in California -
"Harry, get me that shotgun. I am going to blow this son of a bitch to Kingdom Come."
Someone was trying to climb into their room. Grandma was going to take no prisoners. Once, in California, someone ran them off the road.
Harry chased that bastard.
"I am going to kick his ass!"
She did, with a smile.
I mean no disrespect to your writing, but I do think you need to look at your presentation. It will only make your tale better, and in a competition it all helps.
I wish you well with this piece and your continued writing.
cheers
phill
** This reviewer has pledged to rate in accordance with site guidelines.**
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2024
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Hello Anon,
Don't mess with the old folk! A very funny character you have there, indeed.
This is a very difficult challenge, to write a comprehensible tale in 60-words, and your punctuation and presentation will be key to achieving your aim.
I think this is where you could make some adjustments.
As it stands, a reader needs to read the text more than once to gain meaning.
For example -
"Harry, get me that shotgun. I am going to blow this son of a bitch to Kingdom Come."
Someone was trying to climb into their room. Grandma was going to take no prisoners. Once, in California, someone ran them off the road.
"Harry, chase that bastard. I am going to kick his ass!"
She did, with a smile.
This is perhaps easier on the reader. Having said that, I was uncertain if 'Harry chase that bastard.' was spoken, or if you meant 'chased' and it was a reference to what happened in California -
"Harry, get me that shotgun. I am going to blow this son of a bitch to Kingdom Come."
Someone was trying to climb into their room. Grandma was going to take no prisoners. Once, in California, someone ran them off the road.
Harry chased that bastard.
"I am going to kick his ass!"
She did, with a smile.
I mean no disrespect to your writing, but I do think you need to look at your presentation. It will only make your tale better, and in a competition it all helps.
I wish you well with this piece and your continued writing.
cheers
phill
** This reviewer has pledged to rate in accordance with site guidelines.**
Comment Written 27-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2024
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Those were her words as told to us grandkids. And she meant them. Better listen and learn.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Your Grandma sounded like a very determined and strong woman who fought her own battles and I enjoyed your flash fiction as it is full of action, love Dolly x x x
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2024
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Your Grandma sounded like a very determined and strong woman who fought her own battles and I enjoyed your flash fiction as it is full of action, love Dolly x x x
Comment Written 27-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2024
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She ruled, lived to 104. my grand parents started a constrution company, as grandpa said, built roads using donkeys and dynamite. They lived in tents building the roads. A tough life.
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Wow! That is a grand age and her tenacious personality helped her to be strong and courageous, love Dolly x x x