To Protect and Hide
Assassins sometimes make mistakes.2 total reviews
Comment from Sarah Probe S.
many thanks for such an intriguing story: that would actually be inspiring for a movie script, as it's so captivating and not lacking of exciting detailed scenes,
I am supporting You,
Warm wishes,
Sarah
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2024
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many thanks for such an intriguing story: that would actually be inspiring for a movie script, as it's so captivating and not lacking of exciting detailed scenes,
I am supporting You,
Warm wishes,
Sarah
Comment Written 27-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2024
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Thanks for the review.
Comment from Julie Helms
This is an interesting noir-flavored story of an altruistic assassin who tries to balance the scales of justice through vigilantism. He has apparently interfered in the affairs of a family with mob connections.
I have a few suggestions if you're interested:
The following are examples where you slipped into present tense. They should be kept in past tense to match the rest of the story--
*My years as a contract assassin has honed my awareness. (had honed)
*Panic has been extinguished in me years ago. (had been extinguished)
*And that's why I don't take jobs near where I stay. (I didn't take)
but I will have to move now. I can't afford any more mistakes in my line of work. (but I would have to....I couldn't afford)
There were several other places after this, also.
Not very professional. . I remember Leslie and the pedophile stalking her.
(Two periods)
I visited, bought a shirt, and listened as he and ignored employee's greetings
(A word/words missing?)
behavioral reconditioning. But how far should it go?"
(No quote marks)
He began to sob and his snot dropped from his nose.
(You don't need to qualify it as 'his snot', just 'snot' is fine.)
I enjoyed your story. I don't come across much noir on FanStory, so glad you are here to fill that gap! I'm curious if there will be a part 2.
Julie
:-)
** This reviewer has pledged to rate in accordance with site guidelines.**
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2024
 |
This is an interesting noir-flavored story of an altruistic assassin who tries to balance the scales of justice through vigilantism. He has apparently interfered in the affairs of a family with mob connections.
I have a few suggestions if you're interested:
The following are examples where you slipped into present tense. They should be kept in past tense to match the rest of the story--
*My years as a contract assassin has honed my awareness. (had honed)
*Panic has been extinguished in me years ago. (had been extinguished)
*And that's why I don't take jobs near where I stay. (I didn't take)
but I will have to move now. I can't afford any more mistakes in my line of work. (but I would have to....I couldn't afford)
There were several other places after this, also.
Not very professional. . I remember Leslie and the pedophile stalking her.
(Two periods)
I visited, bought a shirt, and listened as he and ignored employee's greetings
(A word/words missing?)
behavioral reconditioning. But how far should it go?"
(No quote marks)
He began to sob and his snot dropped from his nose.
(You don't need to qualify it as 'his snot', just 'snot' is fine.)
I enjoyed your story. I don't come across much noir on FanStory, so glad you are here to fill that gap! I'm curious if there will be a part 2.
Julie
:-)
** This reviewer has pledged to rate in accordance with site guidelines.**
Comment Written 26-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2024
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Thanks for the review and corrections.
