Diner
Short Fiction4 total reviews
Comment from phill doran
Hello Anon,
There is an element of horror in your tale and the idea you have is a good one. The clown mask is a well-established image of horror too!
However, I think you need to pay more attention to the execution of the piece, if you are to hold a reader's attention. Your style here is a bit flat and you might want to consider adding more flair to the telling of the tale. It is a bit clunky, and you might work on the pace of the story to add more value to the reading.
There are some issues around changes in tense too. For example, much of the tale in present tense but when the knock comes on the door the characters "thought" it was a friend, when, if it is present tense it should be "think". Later, "Each person had a task to complete..." should be Each person is given a task to complete..." There are several examples where this happens.
You need to correct the following too - this is not an absolute list;
As they shrug it off as a simple power outage and continue (delete the first "as")
catch up and and enjoy the delicious food. (delete the extra 'and')
when they see the former manger of the diner (manager)
fired months ago from launching money, ('for laundering money', maybe?)
he blamed them all for (him) going to jail.
I wish you well with your continued work on this piece and your continued writing.
cheers
phill
** This reviewer has pledged to rate in accordance with site guidelines.**
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Hello Anon,
There is an element of horror in your tale and the idea you have is a good one. The clown mask is a well-established image of horror too!
However, I think you need to pay more attention to the execution of the piece, if you are to hold a reader's attention. Your style here is a bit flat and you might want to consider adding more flair to the telling of the tale. It is a bit clunky, and you might work on the pace of the story to add more value to the reading.
There are some issues around changes in tense too. For example, much of the tale in present tense but when the knock comes on the door the characters "thought" it was a friend, when, if it is present tense it should be "think". Later, "Each person had a task to complete..." should be Each person is given a task to complete..." There are several examples where this happens.
You need to correct the following too - this is not an absolute list;
As they shrug it off as a simple power outage and continue (delete the first "as")
catch up and and enjoy the delicious food. (delete the extra 'and')
when they see the former manger of the diner (manager)
fired months ago from launching money, ('for laundering money', maybe?)
he blamed them all for (him) going to jail.
I wish you well with your continued work on this piece and your continued writing.
cheers
phill
** This reviewer has pledged to rate in accordance with site guidelines.**
Comment Written 26-Nov-2024
Comment from Lana Marie
Well, that would've been a shocker going out to eat, and then being interrupted by a masked gunman.
I noticed that in the word I haven't parentheses you
May want to have it say "frightened" instead of frighten
waving the gun around. All the friends are ( frighten ) and...,
You might wanna put the word (an) in the parentheses that I put here instead of a
( A ) officer removes
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2024
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Well, that would've been a shocker going out to eat, and then being interrupted by a masked gunman.
I noticed that in the word I haven't parentheses you
May want to have it say "frightened" instead of frighten
waving the gun around. All the friends are ( frighten ) and...,
You might wanna put the word (an) in the parentheses that I put here instead of a
( A ) officer removes
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 25-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2024
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Thank you for the suggestion and the kind review.
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Thank you for the suggestion and the kind review.
Comment from DonandVicki
An exciting flash fiction that read as a possibility. Well written. One error I found, "continue with their dinner with lid candles," Should be "lit". Other than that it was really good.
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2024
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An exciting flash fiction that read as a possibility. Well written. One error I found, "continue with their dinner with lid candles," Should be "lit". Other than that it was really good.
Comment Written 25-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2024
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I totally missed that one. Thank you so much for pointing it out. Thanks for the kind review.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Although this is fiction, often those who want revenge can cause harm to others. I once holidayed in a small village in France where a man was sacked from a restaurant and he slashed the tyres on over 100 vehicles in the town. A poignant post, love Dolly x x x
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2024
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Although this is fiction, often those who want revenge can cause harm to others. I once holidayed in a small village in France where a man was sacked from a restaurant and he slashed the tyres on over 100 vehicles in the town. A poignant post, love Dolly x x x
Comment Written 25-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2024
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What a nightmare! Thanks for the kind review.