A Friend's Secret
How to keep a secret2 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
Interesting. I would look this over again. It is mostly dialogue, and I think it would benefit from additional speech tags.
notes:
the Bob again stopped work and looked at {his} Tom, his visitor, gazing hard into his eyes.
-the Bob again stopped work and looked at Tom, gazing hard into his eyes
"I don't." After a moment's pause, the Bob again stopped work and looked at his Tom, his visitor, gazing hard into his eyes. "Remember? I don't know... a year or so ago?" Bob knew that it was a ridiculous question. Who could answer it? What would he be talking about? The friends saw each other every week, sometimes several times a week.
- It is here where things get confusing for the reader. Confusion of the subject and the start of confusion on who is speaking.
{you} stole from the church offering plate.
-You stole from the church offering plate.
'Bout cover it?["]
-add
How can you even expect someone else to keep your secret if you can't keep it yourself?["]
-add
"Okay, this one I know. It was Benjamin Franklin in Poor Richard's Almanack: Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
"The smart thing, and you know this, is to keep your secret. The stupid thing is to tell if you don't want it told."
- not sure if the first paragraph is missing a closing quote mark, or if the two paragraphs are Tom and Bob speaking.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2024
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Interesting. I would look this over again. It is mostly dialogue, and I think it would benefit from additional speech tags.
notes:
the Bob again stopped work and looked at {his} Tom, his visitor, gazing hard into his eyes.
-the Bob again stopped work and looked at Tom, gazing hard into his eyes
"I don't." After a moment's pause, the Bob again stopped work and looked at his Tom, his visitor, gazing hard into his eyes. "Remember? I don't know... a year or so ago?" Bob knew that it was a ridiculous question. Who could answer it? What would he be talking about? The friends saw each other every week, sometimes several times a week.
- It is here where things get confusing for the reader. Confusion of the subject and the start of confusion on who is speaking.
{you} stole from the church offering plate.
-You stole from the church offering plate.
'Bout cover it?["]
-add
How can you even expect someone else to keep your secret if you can't keep it yourself?["]
-add
"Okay, this one I know. It was Benjamin Franklin in Poor Richard's Almanack: Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
"The smart thing, and you know this, is to keep your secret. The stupid thing is to tell if you don't want it told."
- not sure if the first paragraph is missing a closing quote mark, or if the two paragraphs are Tom and Bob speaking.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2024
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Thank you. I edited after posting and screwed it up.
Comment from kiwisteveh
The best bit is the gradual elaboration of the specific possible secrets and the solution to them...
But, I think the first few lines are unnecessary and the whole ting is a little confusing. That might be helped by giving your characters names so the reader doesn't have to stop and work out which 'friend' is speaking.
Right on the topic with some thought-provoking ideas.
Steve
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2024
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The best bit is the gradual elaboration of the specific possible secrets and the solution to them...
But, I think the first few lines are unnecessary and the whole ting is a little confusing. That might be helped by giving your characters names so the reader doesn't have to stop and work out which 'friend' is speaking.
Right on the topic with some thought-provoking ideas.
Steve
Comment Written 21-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2024
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Thank you. My friend/visitor was a silly effort to maintain anonymity.