The Escape
There are times when the only way out is to Escape.30 total reviews
Comment from Pearl Edwards
You wrote this story, that is too familliar to too many people, very well, Barry from final line of one of Liane Moriarty's books. U have read a few of hers and they are always very involved. Well done with this and good luck in the contest.
cheers,
valda
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2024
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You wrote this story, that is too familliar to too many people, very well, Barry from final line of one of Liane Moriarty's books. U have read a few of hers and they are always very involved. Well done with this and good luck in the contest.
cheers,
valda
Comment Written 09-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2024
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Valda, thanks for your review. Glad you liked the read. It was the first Moriarty book I have read. She is quite involved. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from lancellot
Well, it's a good. But there are a lot of the usual tropes, and many unanswered questions. Like, where is she or when? Are there no cops in her world? Who is this guy, that he is no scary? What amazing powers does he have?
Structurally, some additional editing is needed and better structure.
Now, having said all that. I can see why this would easily win in a heavily female dominated site like FanStory. The theme alone would carry many votes. This was a good entry idea. Knowing your voters is the key to victory. Well done.
She huddled under her umbrella and prayed to herself.
"Please God, let this go to plan, please".
-She huddled under her umbrella and prayed to herself, "Please God, let this go to plan, please."
It was one twenty-five and she picked up her pace.
-It was one twenty-five, so, she picked up her pace.
A slap in the face was the start. Profound apologies and "it will never happen again" he would say.
-A slap in the face was the start. Profound apologies followed. "It will never happen again," he would lie.
The fist punch, though, became the determining point. Leave or be killed.
-or-
The hospital stays, though, became the determining points. Leave or be killed.
Was going to Megan's place the best place to stay?
-Was going to Megan's the best place to stay?
No time to purchase a ticket.
-Why not? how would he know she's there?
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2024
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Well, it's a good. But there are a lot of the usual tropes, and many unanswered questions. Like, where is she or when? Are there no cops in her world? Who is this guy, that he is no scary? What amazing powers does he have?
Structurally, some additional editing is needed and better structure.
Now, having said all that. I can see why this would easily win in a heavily female dominated site like FanStory. The theme alone would carry many votes. This was a good entry idea. Knowing your voters is the key to victory. Well done.
She huddled under her umbrella and prayed to herself.
"Please God, let this go to plan, please".
-She huddled under her umbrella and prayed to herself, "Please God, let this go to plan, please."
It was one twenty-five and she picked up her pace.
-It was one twenty-five, so, she picked up her pace.
A slap in the face was the start. Profound apologies and "it will never happen again" he would say.
-A slap in the face was the start. Profound apologies followed. "It will never happen again," he would lie.
The fist punch, though, became the determining point. Leave or be killed.
-or-
The hospital stays, though, became the determining points. Leave or be killed.
Was going to Megan's place the best place to stay?
-Was going to Megan's the best place to stay?
No time to purchase a ticket.
-Why not? how would he know she's there?
Comment Written 08-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2024
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Thanks for your review and your suggestions for some improvement. I will certainly take them on board. I like some of the alternative lines.
Take care and thanks again for the input. It is invaluable.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Hi Barry,
Congratulations on your first place win, my friend! This story is engaging and full of suspense. It's real and believable.
On another note, I've read that book. It was really good. So was your short story, and well deserving of the win!
Take care,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2024
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Hi Barry,
Congratulations on your first place win, my friend! This story is engaging and full of suspense. It's real and believable.
On another note, I've read that book. It was really good. So was your short story, and well deserving of the win!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment Written 08-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2024
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Rhonda,
Thanks for your congratulations and your kind review. Yes, it is a good book. It is my first experience with Moriarty writing but I will seek more out. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Trina Layne
Congrats on your achievement! The scene builds solidly from the opening line. That is a great opening line. It pushes right into the action and gets the story moving. You can feel Olivia's fear and desperation in the situation. I'm not sure about the ending with her sister. It was not what I had imagined it would be for some reason. As writers/ readers we all have our ideas about things. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2024
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Congrats on your achievement! The scene builds solidly from the opening line. That is a great opening line. It pushes right into the action and gets the story moving. You can feel Olivia's fear and desperation in the situation. I'm not sure about the ending with her sister. It was not what I had imagined it would be for some reason. As writers/ readers we all have our ideas about things. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2024
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Trina,
Thanks for your kind review. Glad you enjoyed the read but sad you did not quite go with the ending. But that is ok. As you say we all have our own ideas etc. That is one of the beauties of writing. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Nicki.B
This brilliant site had me gripped right form the offset! Why is she running, then oh no please get to the train. You really brought to life the emotions and fears all I wanted was foe her to get away. I gasped when the hand touched her shoulder, thank goodness it wasn't him. I loved this very well written, a great short story.
Best Wishes
Nicki
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2024
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This brilliant site had me gripped right form the offset! Why is she running, then oh no please get to the train. You really brought to life the emotions and fears all I wanted was foe her to get away. I gasped when the hand touched her shoulder, thank goodness it wasn't him. I loved this very well written, a great short story.
Best Wishes
Nicki
Comment Written 08-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2024
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Nicki,
Thanks so much for the six stars. So glad you enjoyed the read. Domestic violence is not a nice topic but unfortunately too prevalent. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
Comment from lyenochka
Great job with this flash story. It reminds me of many that I have read here and most recently one by Daylily who worked as a counselor. You gave us a suspenseful moment followed by great relief for the narrator.
Congratulations on the win!!
One tiny suggestion:
" and prayed to herself." How about prayed silently? Because we know she prayed to God not to herself.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2024
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Great job with this flash story. It reminds me of many that I have read here and most recently one by Daylily who worked as a counselor. You gave us a suspenseful moment followed by great relief for the narrator.
Congratulations on the win!!
One tiny suggestion:
" and prayed to herself." How about prayed silently? Because we know she prayed to God not to herself.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2024
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Thanks for your kind review. Your suggestion is noted, and I agree.
Glad you enjoyed the read.
Take care
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Cindy Decker 3
Barry,
Congratulations on your first place win. Much deserved.
The suspense of wondering whether she 'lol make the train or meet a cruel fate is excellent. I love the surprise ending.
Have a blessed Christmas, Barry.
Cindy
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2024
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Barry,
Congratulations on your first place win. Much deserved.
The suspense of wondering whether she 'lol make the train or meet a cruel fate is excellent. I love the surprise ending.
Have a blessed Christmas, Barry.
Cindy
Comment Written 07-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2024
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Thanks, Cindy, for your kind review. Glad you enjoyed the read. You too have a great and happy Christmas.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Sometimes certain predicaments make it hard to think positively and expect the unexpected. Congratulations on your blue ribbon winner and enjoyable read!
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2024
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Sometimes certain predicaments make it hard to think positively and expect the unexpected. Congratulations on your blue ribbon winner and enjoyable read!
Comment Written 07-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2024
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Thanks, Rick, for your review. Glad you enjoyed the read. Take care.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Your story was so full of tension! I could feel Olivia's fear in every step she took. I like how the rain added such a dramatic backdrop. The twist at the end was such a relief! Megan showing up was perfect. Hope after all that anxiety. I love how you captured the emotional journey in such a short story. Amazing job!
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2024
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Your story was so full of tension! I could feel Olivia's fear in every step she took. I like how the rain added such a dramatic backdrop. The twist at the end was such a relief! Megan showing up was perfect. Hope after all that anxiety. I love how you captured the emotional journey in such a short story. Amazing job!
Comment Written 06-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2024
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Thanks Michael for your wonderful review. Glad you enjoyed the read.
It was one of those stories that just flowed. Happens now and then. Take care.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Miss Wilks
OMG. This was short, but such a good read. Could be a series or something. I would read every single one. Great, clean writing. I like the way you grab your reader's attention right away. I could absolutely feel her anxiety. Great writing style.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2024
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OMG. This was short, but such a good read. Could be a series or something. I would read every single one. Great, clean writing. I like the way you grab your reader's attention right away. I could absolutely feel her anxiety. Great writing style.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2024
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Thanks for your very kind review. So glad you enjoyed it. There is some possibility for a "series" but I will just have to see how I go with other projects. It is a sad topic, but it is important to have awareness of the problem. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.