The Christmas Baby
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Dark and Empty Spaces"Sam n Sarah get a baby with dire consequences
8 total reviews
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
This chapter begins very atmospherically. I enjoyed the description of the weather: the wind slicing through his coat, the snow stinging his face. The pain in his leg and his incapacity against the force of the snow made this all the more dramatic. And reaching his car and finally getting home seemed a palpable relief. Still troubled by the homeless being turned away from the mission, he then gets the disconcerting call that Sarah is going to be spending time with her mother.
I think the mood you create here is clever because the outside world is impacting on Sam and seems to be reflecting his increasing sense of despair. This, of course, is not helped by the pain he's suffering (you repeated that the pain radiated). Also please note it's 'gait' rather than 'gate.' But an excellent write in which a crisis has occurred in this relationship which has left Sam exhausted and needing to retreat. Thanks for sharing, Forestport. Take care Debbie
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2024
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This chapter begins very atmospherically. I enjoyed the description of the weather: the wind slicing through his coat, the snow stinging his face. The pain in his leg and his incapacity against the force of the snow made this all the more dramatic. And reaching his car and finally getting home seemed a palpable relief. Still troubled by the homeless being turned away from the mission, he then gets the disconcerting call that Sarah is going to be spending time with her mother.
I think the mood you create here is clever because the outside world is impacting on Sam and seems to be reflecting his increasing sense of despair. This, of course, is not helped by the pain he's suffering (you repeated that the pain radiated). Also please note it's 'gait' rather than 'gate.' But an excellent write in which a crisis has occurred in this relationship which has left Sam exhausted and needing to retreat. Thanks for sharing, Forestport. Take care Debbie
Comment Written 10-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2024
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Thanks for the in depth review
Comment from patcelaw
This is a well written story and I enjoyed very much listening to it your paragraphing your certain structure and your punctuation. I'll make it very easy listening. Have a good day and God bless you. Patricia.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2024
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This is a well written story and I enjoyed very much listening to it your paragraphing your certain structure and your punctuation. I'll make it very easy listening. Have a good day and God bless you. Patricia.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2024
thanks Pat
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You have me so hooked on this story. I can't wait to read more. Great job.
"Why not kill a mother doe. "Then I guess I could raise the fawn at home." (omit the quotation mark in front of 'Then')
Sam, after I'm released tomorrow," She spoke in a weak, mousy voice. (missing beginning quotation marks "Sam,")
Sam protested. "But I can take care of you." (protested,)
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2024
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You have me so hooked on this story. I can't wait to read more. Great job.
"Why not kill a mother doe. "Then I guess I could raise the fawn at home." (omit the quotation mark in front of 'Then')
Sam, after I'm released tomorrow," She spoke in a weak, mousy voice. (missing beginning quotation marks "Sam,")
Sam protested. "But I can take care of you." (protested,)
Comment Written 04-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2024
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This helps so much, not just the edit. I'm not going complete in a month. But I will continue it, and will keep things going.
Comment from royowen
It's such a terrible thing, people who despairingly want children and can't, at least one that lives, there are so many homes for unwanted babies, and too many babies to fill, so well done Sam, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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It's such a terrible thing, people who despairingly want children and can't, at least one that lives, there are so many homes for unwanted babies, and too many babies to fill, so well done Sam, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 04-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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Thanks Roy
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Welcome
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This story has interesting conflicts: man against nature (snow/cold), man against man (with all the buildings in the world, why should anyone still be homeless or outside on a terrible winter day/night?), man against self (, weak leg//Sam wanted to be home alone under the cover of darkness where no one could shine a light on him, where he could pretend to be invisible), but of course Sam needs to persist. It sounds like Sarah would rather not have his help for now as well, which means his relationship with her may be on ice (in more than one way). If I read that right, maybe that is why Sam is thinking illogically in raising a fawn after possibly considering killing a deer.
Little fixes:
His poor gate reminded him of his childhood.
Change 'gate' to gait.
fished his pocket for the keys
I would say: fished in his pocket
"Hell...o"
I am not sure if he was ready to swear, but I would just say, "Hello?"
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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This story has interesting conflicts: man against nature (snow/cold), man against man (with all the buildings in the world, why should anyone still be homeless or outside on a terrible winter day/night?), man against self (, weak leg//Sam wanted to be home alone under the cover of darkness where no one could shine a light on him, where he could pretend to be invisible), but of course Sam needs to persist. It sounds like Sarah would rather not have his help for now as well, which means his relationship with her may be on ice (in more than one way). If I read that right, maybe that is why Sam is thinking illogically in raising a fawn after possibly considering killing a deer.
Little fixes:
His poor gate reminded him of his childhood.
Change 'gate' to gait.
fished his pocket for the keys
I would say: fished in his pocket
"Hell...o"
I am not sure if he was ready to swear, but I would just say, "Hello?"
Comment Written 04-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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Thanks so much Crystie.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
What a gripping story! Your descriptions really pulled me into Sam's world. I could feel the biting cold of the blizzard and the warmth of the fire. The tension rises perfectly - especially with Taylor's situation hanging over him. The conversation with Sarah is heart wrenching and it's clear how deeply he cares for her. Great job! I can't wait to see where his journey takes him next!
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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What a gripping story! Your descriptions really pulled me into Sam's world. I could feel the biting cold of the blizzard and the warmth of the fire. The tension rises perfectly - especially with Taylor's situation hanging over him. The conversation with Sarah is heart wrenching and it's clear how deeply he cares for her. Great job! I can't wait to see where his journey takes him next!
Comment Written 04-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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Thanks so much for your encouraging words.
Comment from lyenochka
It sounds like there are two battles here. The mother-in-law's intrusion and meddling, and the need to save a young pregnant teenager whose child will need a home. I'm guessing that her baby is the Christmas baby. Hope that Sam will make the right decisions and get his family together.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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It sounds like there are two battles here. The mother-in-law's intrusion and meddling, and the need to save a young pregnant teenager whose child will need a home. I'm guessing that her baby is the Christmas baby. Hope that Sam will make the right decisions and get his family together.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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Thanks so much for your thoughtful analysis.
Comment from Julie Helms
Wow, it is hard not to feel really sorry for Sam. On top of losing the baby and his MIL's stinky attitude, he has to battle a storm, think about his rescue turning people away, and his wife needs time. A truly crappy day!
Suggestions for edits:
His poor gate
(gait)
last to be picked; The first to be found in a game of hide n seek
(Don't capitalize after a semi-colon. ...picked; the...
hide-n-seek)
slid sideways but still on the road.
(I fell like this needs a verb: 'still stayed', or 'but remained')
He shook the snow off his shoulders. He flipped on the light in the hall. He shook with a tremor inside searching for a way out. He had yet to fire up the furnace. He shuffled over
(You need to mix up your sentence structure in this paragraph. All the He, He, He sounds like a list. Combine some sentences: Shaking the snow off his shoulders, Sam flipped on the light switch in the hall...)
Then her boyfriend *shows* with enough drug money
(showed)
He stumbled over to where he had a kindling in the fireplace ready with split wood. He lit a match and then sat down, almost falling back on the couch. He rubbed his legs. Pain radiated from his hip. He dug into his pants pocket where he found a couple loose baby aspirins. He chewed away.
(Another list of He, He, He. Mix it up a bit.)
Emotionally, you have me hooked!
Julie
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Wow, it is hard not to feel really sorry for Sam. On top of losing the baby and his MIL's stinky attitude, he has to battle a storm, think about his rescue turning people away, and his wife needs time. A truly crappy day!
Suggestions for edits:
His poor gate
(gait)
last to be picked; The first to be found in a game of hide n seek
(Don't capitalize after a semi-colon. ...picked; the...
hide-n-seek)
slid sideways but still on the road.
(I fell like this needs a verb: 'still stayed', or 'but remained')
He shook the snow off his shoulders. He flipped on the light in the hall. He shook with a tremor inside searching for a way out. He had yet to fire up the furnace. He shuffled over
(You need to mix up your sentence structure in this paragraph. All the He, He, He sounds like a list. Combine some sentences: Shaking the snow off his shoulders, Sam flipped on the light switch in the hall...)
Then her boyfriend *shows* with enough drug money
(showed)
He stumbled over to where he had a kindling in the fireplace ready with split wood. He lit a match and then sat down, almost falling back on the couch. He rubbed his legs. Pain radiated from his hip. He dug into his pants pocket where he found a couple loose baby aspirins. He chewed away.
(Another list of He, He, He. Mix it up a bit.)
Emotionally, you have me hooked!
Julie
Comment Written 04-Nov-2024