In Search Of
A round table.10 total reviews
Comment from Rick Gardner
A very complicated storyline, much to digest and will need to read multiple times and wait for the next events to ultimately happen. Probably need some help from the THC mental directives.
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A very complicated storyline, much to digest and will need to read multiple times and wait for the next events to ultimately happen. Probably need some help from the THC mental directives.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2025
Comment from samandlancelot
Hi Ross,
Your descriptions show your strength of visualizing your scenes and articulating them for your reader.
I think you could strengthen Lenora's motivation for disobeying the advice of her wise grandmother and her father. If she has never done this before, why was this time different?
Suggested Revisions:
Lucy let out a sigh, and spun off from the old-fashioned counter. (I'd like to know what the old-fashioned counter looks like and what era it is from. Old-fashioned could be the 1980s 50s or 1800s. It would help to better picture the setting.)
Lucy asked Lenora (It is recommended to not have two characters with names that begin with the same letter. It makes it harder for the reader to tell the characters apart.)
Lenora respired sport fit and worked her rolling thinking thumb fidget, rush hour traffic crawling intermittently past the intrepid daughter in search of. (I can't make sense of this. I think you need to reword it)
Two cars and a pickup glided the left which split the dairy farm toward development. (This sentence does not make sense. I think you need to add "to" for "glided to the left." It looks like whatever the two cars did, it split the dairy farm, transforming it toward development.)
She strode along the dead zone wilderness road with hard vaporous breath; (change semicolon to comma -- the rule: use a semicolon to connect two complete sentences. the second half after the semicolon is not a complete sentence) rugged boots kicking tire-track gravel, twisting a wristlet.
Billy and Lenora, (insert 'his') tight-lipped grin (perhaps add a verb here) below a shock of white hair.
ripples coursing the pond, recurrent flashes of lighting (lightning) overhead.
Billy grinned sheepishly, glancing upward and scratching his chin beard (scratching his chin through his (what kind of beard (full, barely there)? A beard is always on the chin, so chin beard would be redundant, and he probably scratched his chin and not the beard.)
indigenous mountain laurel. (Change period to colon -- what follows is more information about the craft.) A wondrous flying saucer direct from outer space.
Billy sighed with deep content, then gracefully set down his .daughter in search of; ("in search of" doesn't seem to fit in the sentence.)
a space creature of insignificant stature emerged ("insignificant stature" isn't descriptive enough. What does that mean? Is it two inches tall? If it has a silver sword hanging at its winged hip, it would seem to be significant).
I hope this helps you.
Patricia
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Hi Ross,
Your descriptions show your strength of visualizing your scenes and articulating them for your reader.
I think you could strengthen Lenora's motivation for disobeying the advice of her wise grandmother and her father. If she has never done this before, why was this time different?
Suggested Revisions:
Lucy let out a sigh, and spun off from the old-fashioned counter. (I'd like to know what the old-fashioned counter looks like and what era it is from. Old-fashioned could be the 1980s 50s or 1800s. It would help to better picture the setting.)
Lucy asked Lenora (It is recommended to not have two characters with names that begin with the same letter. It makes it harder for the reader to tell the characters apart.)
Lenora respired sport fit and worked her rolling thinking thumb fidget, rush hour traffic crawling intermittently past the intrepid daughter in search of. (I can't make sense of this. I think you need to reword it)
Two cars and a pickup glided the left which split the dairy farm toward development. (This sentence does not make sense. I think you need to add "to" for "glided to the left." It looks like whatever the two cars did, it split the dairy farm, transforming it toward development.)
She strode along the dead zone wilderness road with hard vaporous breath; (change semicolon to comma -- the rule: use a semicolon to connect two complete sentences. the second half after the semicolon is not a complete sentence) rugged boots kicking tire-track gravel, twisting a wristlet.
Billy and Lenora, (insert 'his') tight-lipped grin (perhaps add a verb here) below a shock of white hair.
ripples coursing the pond, recurrent flashes of lighting (lightning) overhead.
Billy grinned sheepishly, glancing upward and scratching his chin beard (scratching his chin through his (what kind of beard (full, barely there)? A beard is always on the chin, so chin beard would be redundant, and he probably scratched his chin and not the beard.)
indigenous mountain laurel. (Change period to colon -- what follows is more information about the craft.) A wondrous flying saucer direct from outer space.
Billy sighed with deep content, then gracefully set down his .daughter in search of; ("in search of" doesn't seem to fit in the sentence.)
a space creature of insignificant stature emerged ("insignificant stature" isn't descriptive enough. What does that mean? Is it two inches tall? If it has a silver sword hanging at its winged hip, it would seem to be significant).
I hope this helps you.
Patricia
Comment Written 03-Jan-2025
Comment from royowen
I like the ending, supposedly looking for Bigfoot, which seems to be everyone's, or at least some men's mission to find, but only fleeting photos have ascertained, and likewise the Loch Ness monster, but another enigma confronts, asking for their leader, Lenora steps forward, instead of her intrepid male companions, beautifully written, blessings Roy
Typo. : Billy sight conten(t)edly
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I like the ending, supposedly looking for Bigfoot, which seems to be everyone's, or at least some men's mission to find, but only fleeting photos have ascertained, and likewise the Loch Ness monster, but another enigma confronts, asking for their leader, Lenora steps forward, instead of her intrepid male companions, beautifully written, blessings Roy
Typo. : Billy sight conten(t)edly
Comment Written 27-Dec-2024
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
An interesting tale indeed.
Have a look at the opening paragraph. It's one sentence consisting of 62 words. Too long and convoluted. You're trying to cram too much information which feels forced. It needs broken up a bit.
"Your father Billy believes he's onto something, and apparently so does Karl." - why would she use the father's name here as well as the designation of father when talking to the daughter? That feels odd.
"Gosh," said Lenora, pushing back her rounded eyeglasses, "If Karl thinks so..." = technically, the second piece of dialogue here is continuing dialogue and should start lower case as the previous isn't closed off by end punctuation.
I think you could pull back a bit on the descriptions. One robust descriptor is best. Also, not everything needs an adjective attached to it. A good 'rule of thumb' is, if it's not germane or important to the story, you probably don't need it.
There's also a lot of fragmented and not fully formed sentences throughout - lots of run-ons too which should be broken up.
It certainly has a particular style to it but it probably could do with a little toning down in terms of descriptors.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2024
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Hi there,
An interesting tale indeed.
Have a look at the opening paragraph. It's one sentence consisting of 62 words. Too long and convoluted. You're trying to cram too much information which feels forced. It needs broken up a bit.
"Your father Billy believes he's onto something, and apparently so does Karl." - why would she use the father's name here as well as the designation of father when talking to the daughter? That feels odd.
"Gosh," said Lenora, pushing back her rounded eyeglasses, "If Karl thinks so..." = technically, the second piece of dialogue here is continuing dialogue and should start lower case as the previous isn't closed off by end punctuation.
I think you could pull back a bit on the descriptions. One robust descriptor is best. Also, not everything needs an adjective attached to it. A good 'rule of thumb' is, if it's not germane or important to the story, you probably don't need it.
There's also a lot of fragmented and not fully formed sentences throughout - lots of run-ons too which should be broken up.
It certainly has a particular style to it but it probably could do with a little toning down in terms of descriptors.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 23-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2024
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Hey GMG! Just posted the edit of In Search Of. No sentences of 62 words this time, promise! Thanks for your helpful review.
Ross
Comment from Julie Helms
I was not expecting an alien encounter at the end of this, though it makes sense with this intrepid group of seekers of cryptozoology!
You have a wonderful ability of writing descriptions that really sets the scene and the character. But at times it feels like it needs to be reigned in so that what you are saying can be understood by your reader.
Your first sentence/paragraph is an example of this. I glanced at the other reviews and saw it had been mentioned several times, but you like it as is. The problem is when a reader has to stop and wind back through all those clauses in order to understand what's being said, it doesn't come across as brilliant writing, it comes across as incomprehensible. Individually, those clauses are wonderfully descriptive and beautifully composed. But when you insist on putting it all in one long meandering sentence, the beauty is lost and reading flow interrupted.
Some suggestions:
old tyme counter
*(old-tyme counter)
fixed an efficient smile upon the plaid outfitted hulk.
*(A synecdoche that doesn't work. I imagine the smile being pasted on top of the plaid. Maybe change 'onto' to 'towards')
as Lenora went out jacketless and lept one-footed onto the porch rocker,
*(leapt)
Setting out at sixteen while learning to drive with her father, fu manchu Billy cackled in his thin gold rims, and tapped Lenora's hand gripping the wheel at ten-two.
*(Misplaced modifier. Your sentence grammatically says: Billy was setting out at sixteen. The modifying phrase (setting out ...with her father) attaches itself to the nearest noun (Billy). Needs to be reworded so "Lenora" is the first name mentioned after the modifying phrase.)
The town's cheeky parting shot rocked its hinges, a roadside wind tunnel effect at Lenora's back as she unsteadily gained the primeval mountainous vista.
*(Beautiful sentence. I just loved this!)
You have real ability in writing. I enjoyed especially many of your descriptions and turns of phrase. You just need to tame how you stack them one atop another at times.
Julie
** This reviewer has pledged to rate in accordance with site guidelines.**
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2024
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I was not expecting an alien encounter at the end of this, though it makes sense with this intrepid group of seekers of cryptozoology!
You have a wonderful ability of writing descriptions that really sets the scene and the character. But at times it feels like it needs to be reigned in so that what you are saying can be understood by your reader.
Your first sentence/paragraph is an example of this. I glanced at the other reviews and saw it had been mentioned several times, but you like it as is. The problem is when a reader has to stop and wind back through all those clauses in order to understand what's being said, it doesn't come across as brilliant writing, it comes across as incomprehensible. Individually, those clauses are wonderfully descriptive and beautifully composed. But when you insist on putting it all in one long meandering sentence, the beauty is lost and reading flow interrupted.
Some suggestions:
old tyme counter
*(old-tyme counter)
fixed an efficient smile upon the plaid outfitted hulk.
*(A synecdoche that doesn't work. I imagine the smile being pasted on top of the plaid. Maybe change 'onto' to 'towards')
as Lenora went out jacketless and lept one-footed onto the porch rocker,
*(leapt)
Setting out at sixteen while learning to drive with her father, fu manchu Billy cackled in his thin gold rims, and tapped Lenora's hand gripping the wheel at ten-two.
*(Misplaced modifier. Your sentence grammatically says: Billy was setting out at sixteen. The modifying phrase (setting out ...with her father) attaches itself to the nearest noun (Billy). Needs to be reworded so "Lenora" is the first name mentioned after the modifying phrase.)
The town's cheeky parting shot rocked its hinges, a roadside wind tunnel effect at Lenora's back as she unsteadily gained the primeval mountainous vista.
*(Beautiful sentence. I just loved this!)
You have real ability in writing. I enjoyed especially many of your descriptions and turns of phrase. You just need to tame how you stack them one atop another at times.
Julie
** This reviewer has pledged to rate in accordance with site guidelines.**
Comment Written 20-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2024
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Thank you for your insightful review, Julie. I'm going to spend some time today making corrections to the story. If I can reign in that first sentence, no sweat!
I will drop you a note when it's done; tamed. Normally I loathe going back over a piece, but you convinced me Lenora and cohorts are worth it.
You should be hearing back from me in roughly 8-10 hours (hopefully).
Ross
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Not quite 8-10 hours, but I finally posted my edit, Julie. I hope you read it. Thanks for your great advice.
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Fun story! Right off the bat, though, you really need to make that first sentence into two or even three shorter ones -- if you cannot read it out loud at a conversational tone in ONE breath, it's probably too long. Few other catches below (not comprehensive)... Love the imagination and desire for details... just be sure not to throw too many in all at one (in single sentences... more periods less commas throughout). Thanx for sharing and keep writing! ;)
father Billy believes he's onto something, and apparently so does Karl --> father, Billy, believes he's onto something, and, apparently, so does Karl
landmark; the very ground --> landmark: the very ground
no, Len? Why tonight?"
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2024
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Fun story! Right off the bat, though, you really need to make that first sentence into two or even three shorter ones -- if you cannot read it out loud at a conversational tone in ONE breath, it's probably too long. Few other catches below (not comprehensive)... Love the imagination and desire for details... just be sure not to throw too many in all at one (in single sentences... more periods less commas throughout). Thanx for sharing and keep writing! ;)
father Billy believes he's onto something, and apparently so does Karl --> father, Billy, believes he's onto something, and, apparently, so does Karl
landmark; the very ground --> landmark: the very ground
no, Len? Why tonight?"
Comment Written 20-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2024
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Thank you for the encouraging review, Y.M. I've taken yours and others suggestions to heart, and am currently working on an edit to post soon. I'm very glad you like the story so far, so do I. The thing surprised me, it fell together so quickly. Too quickly, apparently!
Gosh, those run on sentences are frightening! More periods, less commas. Good advice. I will let you know when I get it straightened out.
Ross
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I think I finally made it better, and posted it today. Thanks for your encouraging review!
Comment from Cecilia A Heiskary
This is an interesting story you have produced. I'm not sure what's going on, because I have come into the middle of the book. You have several run on sentences, which detract from the story. I have pulled one out for an example. I would suggest you read over your story again and make adjustments where needed. Otherwise this is a good piece.
Here is an example of one of the run on sentences:
"What's up with Dad?" wee intrepid teen Lenora Adams asked as she turned from the cash register, her eclectic grandmother Lucy connected via text with wayward son Billy Adams, out hiking with his partner Karl for a day and a half now in search of Bigfoot hunting in the misty hinterlands by their fog affected, affluent hamlet on a hill, Mont Vernon.
Cecilia
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2024
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This is an interesting story you have produced. I'm not sure what's going on, because I have come into the middle of the book. You have several run on sentences, which detract from the story. I have pulled one out for an example. I would suggest you read over your story again and make adjustments where needed. Otherwise this is a good piece.
Here is an example of one of the run on sentences:
"What's up with Dad?" wee intrepid teen Lenora Adams asked as she turned from the cash register, her eclectic grandmother Lucy connected via text with wayward son Billy Adams, out hiking with his partner Karl for a day and a half now in search of Bigfoot hunting in the misty hinterlands by their fog affected, affluent hamlet on a hill, Mont Vernon.
Cecilia
Comment Written 12-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2024
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Thank you for the positive review, Cecilia. You're not the first to mention that introductory run on sentence; though I believe only a semi-colon might improve it. I left it the way it is because, in a way, I'm in search of an end to the sentence. Too cheeky for my own good?
Yes, it should be a book. Glad you enjoyed this current version, though!
Ross
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Ross,
If it works for you that's all that matters. The author's on here have some great insight. You really should listen to them to help improve your work.
Cecilia
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I appreciate your reply, it seems more like a conversation. Absolutely the authors on the site have given me great advice. But I know my limits, and the shorter the piece the better. I'm afraid if I start making adjustments, I'll never stop!
Any further replies are welcome.
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I finally made the adjustments, Cecilia! Scary though it was. Thank you for your inspiring review.
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I'm glad you made those adjustments. The story will read better.
Comment from Lindsey Russell
This story is different from anything I've read on this platform. I love it. I wish there was more to the story as I could easily get sucked in. Good luck and happy writing!!!
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2024
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This story is different from anything I've read on this platform. I love it. I wish there was more to the story as I could easily get sucked in. Good luck and happy writing!!!
Comment Written 12-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2024
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Thanks so much, Lindsey! I love this story, too. If I ever get around to lengthening a piece, this will be first. Mont Vernon NH exists. I will be passing through tomorrow, and will Enjoy The View! even more thanks to your kind words.
Ross
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Hi, Lindsey! I posted an edit of In Search Of, and though sadly not much lengthier, it seems more fleshed out. Hope you read it!
Comment from lancellot
An interesting sci-fi tale. I would recommend a faster start, and work on showing versus telling us about the characters. I would also recommend avoiding the long rambling sentences. You have good editing and structure.
notes:
"What's up with Dad?" wee intrepid teen Lenora Adams asked as she turned from the cash register, her eclectic grandmother Lucy connected via text with wayward son Billy Adams, out hiking with his partner Karl for a day and a half now in search of Bigfoot hunting in the misty hinterlands by their fog affected, affluent hamlet on a hill, Mont Vernon.
-This is sentence way too long. Break it up.
"Your father Billy believes he's onto something, and apparently so does Karl."
-Unnatural speech-
- "Your father believes he's onto something, and apparently so does Karl."
Lucy spun a retreat from the old tyme counter, and Lenora returned her attention to the beefy customer waiting impatiently for a pack of Backwoods cigars, snapped shut the register, and fixed an efficient smile upon the plaid outfitted hulk.
- run-on sentence.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2024
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An interesting sci-fi tale. I would recommend a faster start, and work on showing versus telling us about the characters. I would also recommend avoiding the long rambling sentences. You have good editing and structure.
notes:
"What's up with Dad?" wee intrepid teen Lenora Adams asked as she turned from the cash register, her eclectic grandmother Lucy connected via text with wayward son Billy Adams, out hiking with his partner Karl for a day and a half now in search of Bigfoot hunting in the misty hinterlands by their fog affected, affluent hamlet on a hill, Mont Vernon.
-This is sentence way too long. Break it up.
"Your father Billy believes he's onto something, and apparently so does Karl."
-Unnatural speech-
- "Your father believes he's onto something, and apparently so does Karl."
Lucy spun a retreat from the old tyme counter, and Lenora returned her attention to the beefy customer waiting impatiently for a pack of Backwoods cigars, snapped shut the register, and fixed an efficient smile upon the plaid outfitted hulk.
- run-on sentence.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2024
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Thank you for the suggestions. I like how it flows for now, though if I lengthen it, I will take your notes into consideration.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
What a delightful story! The setting of Mont Vernon feels alive. The characters are so well shared. Especially Lenora, with her determination and youth. I Love how Billy has such a protective nature. Your dialogue flows naturally. The story was so enjoayble. It easily kept me interest and I love the humor (and warmth) in your story. Great job!
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2024
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What a delightful story! The setting of Mont Vernon feels alive. The characters are so well shared. Especially Lenora, with her determination and youth. I Love how Billy has such a protective nature. Your dialogue flows naturally. The story was so enjoayble. It easily kept me interest and I love the humor (and warmth) in your story. Great job!
Comment Written 30-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2024
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Thanks, Michael! Another reviewer said the dialogue was un-natural in spots. Not sure what planet he's from, ha ha. Your take is exactly how I feel about the piece. I wanted to get it out for Halloween, and I'm glad you read and reviewed it. Weird: Mont Vernon is real, and I often stop at the general store for a breakfast sandwich and sometimes a pack of cigars. Lenora, Lucy, Karl and Billy are pretty close to their fictional selves!
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Hi, Michael! I edited the piece and posted it today. I think it's better. I hope you read it.
