Sunita's Story
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Off to America"An unmarried Village girl suffering from vitiligo
8 total reviews
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Whoa! Gonna have to catch up when I have a little time, but for now, I can at least follow along... Sooooo, a very odd situation here: not a whole lotta affection almost like an arranged marriage, but synopsis says no... have to wait and see, I guess :-) ;-) Well written, my friend (a couple of knits below), and I'm looking forward to the next! ;)
and her friend Geeta. --> and her friend, Geeta.
fit in; however, rocky --> fit in, however rocky
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2024
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Whoa! Gonna have to catch up when I have a little time, but for now, I can at least follow along... Sooooo, a very odd situation here: not a whole lotta affection almost like an arranged marriage, but synopsis says no... have to wait and see, I guess :-) ;-) Well written, my friend (a couple of knits below), and I'm looking forward to the next! ;)
and her friend Geeta. --> and her friend, Geeta.
fit in; however, rocky --> fit in, however rocky
Comment Written 31-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2024
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Hey, thanks for the review, my nerdy friend. =) I really appreciate your reading it and the grammatical suggestions offered. At the present I am letting each Chapter as stand-alone which will have to be edited, spaced and controlled as a single unit when I finish with the novel.
Here is a gist of what the first few chapters provide:
Sunita lives in a village (somewhere in East Asia). She is 28 and unmarried which is very old according to village culture. The villagers treat her like an untouchable because she has vitiligo. Rahul, is a very rich scientist with his own business pertaining to international cyber security (or some such business). He is 32 and unmarried. His parents are the richest in the village. Rahul could have any young "unblemished" girl in the community but he convinces his parents that he wants to marry Sunita. The villagers are shocked --- the most desirable bachelor is marrying a "diseased" woman. Why?
Thanks again, Yvette. Much appreciated.
In my chapters, besides the mystery and the progression of what happens when the mystery is solved, portrays the cultural aspects in the village that is very different than the "new" burgeoning city culture powered by high level of economic activity in many parts of Asia that can parallel the West in the basic nature of equality between sexes and female behavior.
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Ah-ha! So he is actually a member of the tribe but living in America? Okay, at least now I know how they became acquainted... really cool that it'll be a book when done!! :-) So, is all the 'tribal ins and outs' in the first chapters or is that something we learn as we read...? :-) Love to read well-researched reality fiction! ;) Yvette
Comment from Pamusart
Hi, shanbreen, my good friend
Here it should be cases and homes
"However, in the girls' case, the transfer from their home to their in-"
Here it should be families
"for them to keep in touch with their family and friends. However"
Here it should be is for emergencies
"dollars. "The fifty dollars in your purse are for emergencies only "
Here the expression is Spick and span
"Everything was spick and speck"
Good job. I could feel her angst. Glad I could help with a few small corrections
You are truly a talented writer.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2024
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Hi, shanbreen, my good friend
Here it should be cases and homes
"However, in the girls' case, the transfer from their home to their in-"
Here it should be families
"for them to keep in touch with their family and friends. However"
Here it should be is for emergencies
"dollars. "The fifty dollars in your purse are for emergencies only "
Here the expression is Spick and span
"Everything was spick and speck"
Good job. I could feel her angst. Glad I could help with a few small corrections
You are truly a talented writer.
Comment Written 29-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2024
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God, I missed you. You are such a good reviewer. Thanks so much for reading and editing, Pam. I am embarrassed about the spick and span.
Hope your health's improving, however, slowly. Take care of yourself, my dear friend.
Comment from patcelaw
This is very well written and it was a pleasure to listen to. I wish you the very best with all of your writing. Also, wish you a wonderful day and may God bless you. May you have a wonderful week. Patricia.
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2024
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This is very well written and it was a pleasure to listen to. I wish you the very best with all of your writing. Also, wish you a wonderful day and may God bless you. May you have a wonderful week. Patricia.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2024
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Thank you Patricia for reading my work. Much appreciated
Comment from Carol Clark2
Interesting chapter, with lots of good details about the house, the flight, and Sunita's feelings and emotions. I am hoping Sunita will have a friend in Mariam, to ease her loneliness, or that Geeta will come to visit her soon. Haha. Sorry, I seem to be writing your novel! Carol
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2024
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Interesting chapter, with lots of good details about the house, the flight, and Sunita's feelings and emotions. I am hoping Sunita will have a friend in Mariam, to ease her loneliness, or that Geeta will come to visit her soon. Haha. Sorry, I seem to be writing your novel! Carol
Comment Written 28-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2024
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Carol, write away. I need all the help I can get. 😀
Seriously, thanks for reading.
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LOL. I'm enjoying your book so far.
Have a blessed week. Carol
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
You have great skill, Shanbreen, in conveying the discomfort and awkwardness Sunita feels on the flight and there is excellent detail that draws the reader into the whole experience. By the time she gets to the house our heart goes out to her as she struggles with her understanding of the affluence that surrounds her and the manner in which she is expected to act with a servant who is perceived by Sunita as superior. The coldness of Rahul further compounds her feelings of isolation in a foreign country. This is all expressed evocatively through the narrative but particularly through dialogue and thought process. There are a few suggestions below where I felt the grammar could be improved. It's not wrong but just needs, perhaps, some smoothing out:
She followed the cues from (what) everyone else was doing - the 'what' sounds a bit clumsy and I would be inclined to say:
She followed the cues from everyone else, putting her carry-on in the bin above before taking her seat (and squeezing)....
better than (what) she expected in her wildest dreams -better than her wildest dreams
There was no naturality in his greeting - There was nothing natural about his greeting
assessing which part of (her) clothing needed changing
When you start the dialogue: Do you want me to come with you -I wasn't immediately sure who the speaker was.
Also, I wondered if it would be worth making a note of who Geeta is at the bottom for those coming into the story late. Maybe all the characters to date. Your background information is very good.
Finally, I'm enjoying this story, Shanbreen. It's intense and heart-breaking already for Sunita and it reveals to the reader the difficulties of transcending class structures and adapting to a new culture. It might need a bit more editing down to keep the pace of the story alive but I think you're doing an excellent job with an original and intriguing plot. Thank you so much for sharing. Debbie x
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2024
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You have great skill, Shanbreen, in conveying the discomfort and awkwardness Sunita feels on the flight and there is excellent detail that draws the reader into the whole experience. By the time she gets to the house our heart goes out to her as she struggles with her understanding of the affluence that surrounds her and the manner in which she is expected to act with a servant who is perceived by Sunita as superior. The coldness of Rahul further compounds her feelings of isolation in a foreign country. This is all expressed evocatively through the narrative but particularly through dialogue and thought process. There are a few suggestions below where I felt the grammar could be improved. It's not wrong but just needs, perhaps, some smoothing out:
She followed the cues from (what) everyone else was doing - the 'what' sounds a bit clumsy and I would be inclined to say:
She followed the cues from everyone else, putting her carry-on in the bin above before taking her seat (and squeezing)....
better than (what) she expected in her wildest dreams -better than her wildest dreams
There was no naturality in his greeting - There was nothing natural about his greeting
assessing which part of (her) clothing needed changing
When you start the dialogue: Do you want me to come with you -I wasn't immediately sure who the speaker was.
Also, I wondered if it would be worth making a note of who Geeta is at the bottom for those coming into the story late. Maybe all the characters to date. Your background information is very good.
Finally, I'm enjoying this story, Shanbreen. It's intense and heart-breaking already for Sunita and it reveals to the reader the difficulties of transcending class structures and adapting to a new culture. It might need a bit more editing down to keep the pace of the story alive but I think you're doing an excellent job with an original and intriguing plot. Thank you so much for sharing. Debbie x
Comment Written 27-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2024
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Debbie, you are amazing. You are such a great reviewer. Yes, at a later stage, I will have to edit to tighten the story with respect to the pacing. In the meantime, thanks for all your suggestions. They are, as you British would say, "Spot on". I sincerely appreciate your review. Hope I can manage to nominate you.
Comment from lancellot
A fish out of water is expected to some extent. But, she watched TV before and had the internet. I would recommend not going too deep into the innocent village girl thing. Also, some chapters focused on Rahul would be good. Not all doctors are rich.
notes:
Like other girls who left their homes to go and live with their in-laws
-But she's not a girl. She is 28.
Sunita went to her private bathroom attached to her bedroom. She stepped back, amazed at its size and the vast array of lotions and creams on the counter.
-Suggest moving this to after she enter the home. That long of a flight, anyone would need the bathroom.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2024
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A fish out of water is expected to some extent. But, she watched TV before and had the internet. I would recommend not going too deep into the innocent village girl thing. Also, some chapters focused on Rahul would be good. Not all doctors are rich.
notes:
Like other girls who left their homes to go and live with their in-laws
-But she's not a girl. She is 28.
Sunita went to her private bathroom attached to her bedroom. She stepped back, amazed at its size and the vast array of lotions and creams on the counter.
-Suggest moving this to after she enter the home. That long of a flight, anyone would need the bathroom.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2024
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Lancellot, thank you for your excellent suggestions. I found them very relevant. However, her being compared to young girls who get married in the village is understandable because even though she is a woman, she still lives with her parents under the same cultural restrictions imposed by the village.
Her watching TV has no relevance because based on village culture, such behavior is not for village women/girls. She watches the new "happenings" on TV but has no idea how to react when she is placed in a similar situation. A few years back I was in Nepal to set up a learning center (library and sponsoring students who could not afford tuitions). The people in the village knew about westerns style toilets but insisted (according to an American missionary we met from Hawaii) in having old toilets.
In a sense, there is a double whammy for Sunita--- not only is she restricted by culture but also by her disease. She suffers from an acute sense of inferiority complex. Even though she is aware of what TV shows, she does not know how to appreciate or react when she is involved in the situation. Sunita never expected to be married. While the towns and cities in the burgeoning Near East follow the new westernized trend, the wealth has not seeped into distant villages.
I will definitely incorporate most of your suggestions in the story. Thanks much Lancellot. I sincerely appreciate your review. Thanks much for opening my eyes. I hope FanStory accepts my nomination for you.
Comment from Blue Hendrix
Loved the imagery. Loved the emotions that your characters were able to portray through your word selection. I found no mistakes and I thought you did a great job
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2024
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Loved the imagery. Loved the emotions that your characters were able to portray through your word selection. I found no mistakes and I thought you did a great job
Comment Written 27-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2024
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Thank you much for your kind review.
Comment from Esther Brown
Now I am full of questions. How ever did she manage? I spoke English, but I was at least familiar with bathroom facilities. From African grass huts with a hole in the ground (outhouse) to the East Indian kind, English bidet use, always take your own toilet paper, to the American flush style. Phones, credit cards, American malls and styles of clothing were a challenge. Poor Sunita!
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2024
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Now I am full of questions. How ever did she manage? I spoke English, but I was at least familiar with bathroom facilities. From African grass huts with a hole in the ground (outhouse) to the East Indian kind, English bidet use, always take your own toilet paper, to the American flush style. Phones, credit cards, American malls and styles of clothing were a challenge. Poor Sunita!
Comment Written 27-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2024
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Esther, Sunita is from the village. She had seen bathrooms on TV and the internet, but seeing on TV is one thing. It is a completely different story when you have live in the situation. For you, a hole in the ground or the East Indian toilets were an oddity, it was the other way around for Sunita. Believe me she changes as the story progresses.
Thanks much for the six stars. Much appreciated.
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Nope, I grew up in Congo so America was the strange culture.