Old Dark Water
Halloween story edited12 total reviews
Comment from marilyn quillen
I think both nuts should have been bobbing around in the old black water!Strange story but very well written and it flows great. Can't say it's my cup of tea but it doesn't have to be to be a good job, so great job
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2024
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I think both nuts should have been bobbing around in the old black water!Strange story but very well written and it flows great. Can't say it's my cup of tea but it doesn't have to be to be a good job, so great job
Comment Written 31-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2024
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Thank you for being honest. It's funny you said that, I was originally going to have the spirits of all their victims come from the depths and take them both, but, I had a deadline.
Comment from Rachelle Allen
Oh yes; this lighthearted little Halloween ditty was just right...you know, if you're a serial killer.
You did a FANTASTIC job here!! Full of intrigue and bombast, mystery and action. You covered the gamut like a pro, and I found myself reading faster and faster with every line. It's not with pride that I tell you I WAS cheering for you to drown Jerry once and for all. I guess we all have that rabid little serial killer way in us...
One teeny tiny spag: Jerry prods me to the edge of the water and forces me up to my waste. (It's the OTHER 'waist.' But the one you wrote is kind of Freudian, right?)
Good luck in the contest, you masterful writer, you!! xoxo
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2024
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Oh yes; this lighthearted little Halloween ditty was just right...you know, if you're a serial killer.
You did a FANTASTIC job here!! Full of intrigue and bombast, mystery and action. You covered the gamut like a pro, and I found myself reading faster and faster with every line. It's not with pride that I tell you I WAS cheering for you to drown Jerry once and for all. I guess we all have that rabid little serial killer way in us...
One teeny tiny spag: Jerry prods me to the edge of the water and forces me up to my waste. (It's the OTHER 'waist.' But the one you wrote is kind of Freudian, right?)
Good luck in the contest, you masterful writer, you!! xoxo
Comment Written 30-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2024
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I knew it, LOL. I get so caught up in the writing. I have Grammarly, but you obviously know it doesn't fix everything. Is it a good thing when the reader feels the pace quicken more and more? You are the second person who has found my love for Freud in my writing. If I were about to be murdered, I might be up to my waist in waste. Sorry. I'm glad you liked it. I really don't. I wrote one called Trick or Treat. I'll read three to one if you will find all the errors in that mess.
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Oooh! There's nothing the Fussy Teacher in me likes more than a grammatical challenge! You're on!
And, honestly, I, too, thought of that same 'waste' component that crossed your mind. Sickos of a feather, I guess...
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So, I've been trying all night to chew on this big foot I stuck in my mouth. I do not like the taste. Teachers always win, butt, I am a very stubborn pupil. Do you see it? Okay, game on.
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Teachers especially win when their stubborn (and TALENTED!) students join the game and we get to watch them blossom and excel! xoxox
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Thanks for allowing me to become a student. I may never graduate though.
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In that case, I'll just make a note for the short bus to arrive at your house from now until, um, Forever...
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Lol. A teacher who so flippantly speaks of the short bus. Driven it much?
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Well, rode it for the first forty years of my life, then learned how to drive it after that...
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You rode a bus for forty years? There is an exit, lady. That's why they gave you the helmet, so you wouldn't bump your head getting out. I should write of my beautiful experience with a young girl with downs syndrome and the Special Olympics. She was special.
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What are you waiting for?
Comment from Julie Helms
Hey Eean,
You showed a real sense of humor (ok, sick humor) in this piece. What a twist that the nerd with the voice of a birthing sheep was also a killer! (I've bred sheep for 30 years...I know the sound very well.lol)
I loved the improv line that spun through the length of the story.
A few suggestions:
Jerry meat Jenny.
(Humorous, but I think you meant 'meet')
So, here I sit with my extremely adequate murder hands
(Haha, Jazz hands came to mind for some reason.)
"Or that", I said. I am surprised at Jerry's strength.
(Comma goes inside the quote mark..."Or that," I said.)
He lost of course, and I sent him to the depths of Old Black Water
(Lake changed names....Old Dark Water)
And finally, the hard part....you need to go through this whole piece and fix the verb tenses. You flip from past to present over and over again every few sentences. You can do either but not both. That alone will disqualify your piece in the contest, so it's worth the effort. (Plus a good habit to always check that).
You have a good, funny, smartass story here. It's worth the polish!
Julie
:-)
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2024
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Hey Eean,
You showed a real sense of humor (ok, sick humor) in this piece. What a twist that the nerd with the voice of a birthing sheep was also a killer! (I've bred sheep for 30 years...I know the sound very well.lol)
I loved the improv line that spun through the length of the story.
A few suggestions:
Jerry meat Jenny.
(Humorous, but I think you meant 'meet')
So, here I sit with my extremely adequate murder hands
(Haha, Jazz hands came to mind for some reason.)
"Or that", I said. I am surprised at Jerry's strength.
(Comma goes inside the quote mark..."Or that," I said.)
He lost of course, and I sent him to the depths of Old Black Water
(Lake changed names....Old Dark Water)
And finally, the hard part....you need to go through this whole piece and fix the verb tenses. You flip from past to present over and over again every few sentences. You can do either but not both. That alone will disqualify your piece in the contest, so it's worth the effort. (Plus a good habit to always check that).
You have a good, funny, smartass story here. It's worth the polish!
Julie
:-)
Comment Written 30-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2024
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Constantly! Without a doubt. I do it in everything I write. thank you for noticing.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Hah! What a great twist. And very nicely written. Good work.
And yes, inprovising is torture!
This should fare well in the contest. Good luck.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2024
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Hah! What a great twist. And very nicely written. Good work.
And yes, inprovising is torture!
This should fare well in the contest. Good luck.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2024
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Mr. Fowler, that means more than you know.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Wow, what a thrilling ride! Your storytelling is absolutely gripping! I thought your descriptions of Jerry were excellent. The way you reveal Eean's internal struggle while planning his murder really added to the tension. This is a perfect mix of suspense and wit. I can't wait to see what you write next! Keep it up!
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2024
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Wow, what a thrilling ride! Your storytelling is absolutely gripping! I thought your descriptions of Jerry were excellent. The way you reveal Eean's internal struggle while planning his murder really added to the tension. This is a perfect mix of suspense and wit. I can't wait to see what you write next! Keep it up!
Comment Written 27-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2024
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Wow. No pressure huh?
Comment from Neonewman
Well, that was a roller coaster of emotions. I love the dark humor as well. This is a well-crafted piece and right up my alley. Best of luck in the contest.
God bless,
Steve
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2024
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Well, that was a roller coaster of emotions. I love the dark humor as well. This is a well-crafted piece and right up my alley. Best of luck in the contest.
God bless,
Steve
Comment Written 22-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2024
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Do you mean there are alleys? I've been driving the main street of this town for months, and there are alleys. Thank you.
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My pleasure, Eean.
Comment from Kahlani
I didn't know who I wanted to win - Jerry and his whining or Eean and his evil heart. I guess you won. This story had me on the edge of my seat. I didn't know which way it would go. Fantastic post.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2024
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I didn't know who I wanted to win - Jerry and his whining or Eean and his evil heart. I guess you won. This story had me on the edge of my seat. I didn't know which way it would go. Fantastic post.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2024
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I make fun of myself a lot when I write. Sometimes I even use my name. Self-deprecating humor is still humor. Thanks.
Comment from Shirley Ann Bunyan
Hi Eean,
Remind me not to get on your bad side! I like this. It reads like a black comedy so I think you should keep it in that vein. I can't wait to see how this unfolds.
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2024
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Hi Eean,
Remind me not to get on your bad side! I like this. It reads like a black comedy so I think you should keep it in that vein. I can't wait to see how this unfolds.
Comment Written 16-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2024
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Thanks for the heads up. I didn't really know which way to go. Sounds good.
Comment from Marilyn Hamilton
I love dark humor almost as much as the real spooky stuff. Here's my favorite line:
Jerry's voice quality is somewhere between a birthing sheep and a phlegmatic donkey. He just has to go.
I mean. What a description! lol I would have to kill him as well! Great job on this contest entry. Good luck
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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I love dark humor almost as much as the real spooky stuff. Here's my favorite line:
Jerry's voice quality is somewhere between a birthing sheep and a phlegmatic donkey. He just has to go.
I mean. What a description! lol I would have to kill him as well! Great job on this contest entry. Good luck
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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I will need more than luck; because I honestly don't care about being number one. I just want to reach people and make them think, laugh or just read it and trash it. Pretty weak huh?
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Pretty cool actually
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How long before a writer here finally gets it all together? I mean, creating a complete and well- written story or poem.
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I'm not sure how to answer that. I guess as long as it takes for the writer to finally believe they have created something worthy of their time and efforts. I haven't gotten there yet.
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So you guys are great at helping a struggling wanna-be writer reach a milestone, and you are still not sure of your own gift? Just breathe the oxygen.
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I never claimed to be being sure of myself. but yet, I am good at telling others what to do lol
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Life will sometimes put its boot up our butt and make us not sure of ourselves. The thing is, we have to learn to kick back. Post those poems anyway. I genuinely like your poems, I hope someday you will too.
Comment from pome lover
well, I have to tell you this is terrific! It's sort of a tongue in cheek piece - a sinister undertone with touches of the author's sense of humor - a wonderful combination. I say, keep going . I can't wait to read the rest. Are you actually going to kill ole Jerry?
I'm smiling all the way through this!
Katharine
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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well, I have to tell you this is terrific! It's sort of a tongue in cheek piece - a sinister undertone with touches of the author's sense of humor - a wonderful combination. I say, keep going . I can't wait to read the rest. Are you actually going to kill ole Jerry?
I'm smiling all the way through this!
Katharine
Comment Written 15-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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Spoiler for you. Who do you think placed all the other bodies there? It doesn't end well for me, lol.
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well, you're the author. And there will be other stories, but this one is a Dark Water tale. Go with it, as I'm sure you will. And it'll be good.
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Believe it or not, I'm smiling and my face is NOT cracking. Mom was wrong!
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they sometimes are.
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True
