Love Honor and a Mail Order Bride
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "The Hunter"Indian girl vies for the heart of a homesteader
8 total reviews
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This is great writing. I meant to review it sooner but have been battling a cold and cough for the fourth week now. I liked all the descriptions and dialogue.
Little fixes on punctuation or spelling:
"Are you trying to tell me something Lord?"
Just stick a comma there after something.
He admired the beauty of her true grit, her Azure eyes, and the glistening bronzed skin of her father, a chief of the mountain Crow.
Change Azure to azure. Stick a comma in there after glistening. Capitalize Mountain Crow (I looked that one up).
Luke focused ahead on the cabin where smoke billowed from the clay pipe on such a cold, crisp morning.
I would put a comma in after the word cabin.
It appeared; he too saw the smoke rising from the cabin.
I got slightly confused as to what "It" is. The second clause I would punctuate like this: he, too, saw the smoke rising from the cabin.
"Remember stay in the cave among the crop of rocks until one of us comes calling."
I think I would put a comma after Remember. I might put a comma in after rocks.
Mackey looked over at Ayanna and the dog barring his teeth.
I am sure you meant: baring
The man smiled revealing crooked teeth.
I would put a comma in after smiled.
"And you don't think, I convinced him that we are one."
I would take the comma out after think.
He wanted to kiss her until the noise of a rifle shot echoed in the canyon.
I am not sure what this last sentence means. Maybe it would sound better as:
He wanted to kiss her without interruption, but the noise of a rifle shot echoed in the canyon.
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2024
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This is great writing. I meant to review it sooner but have been battling a cold and cough for the fourth week now. I liked all the descriptions and dialogue.
Little fixes on punctuation or spelling:
"Are you trying to tell me something Lord?"
Just stick a comma there after something.
He admired the beauty of her true grit, her Azure eyes, and the glistening bronzed skin of her father, a chief of the mountain Crow.
Change Azure to azure. Stick a comma in there after glistening. Capitalize Mountain Crow (I looked that one up).
Luke focused ahead on the cabin where smoke billowed from the clay pipe on such a cold, crisp morning.
I would put a comma in after the word cabin.
It appeared; he too saw the smoke rising from the cabin.
I got slightly confused as to what "It" is. The second clause I would punctuate like this: he, too, saw the smoke rising from the cabin.
"Remember stay in the cave among the crop of rocks until one of us comes calling."
I think I would put a comma after Remember. I might put a comma in after rocks.
Mackey looked over at Ayanna and the dog barring his teeth.
I am sure you meant: baring
The man smiled revealing crooked teeth.
I would put a comma in after smiled.
"And you don't think, I convinced him that we are one."
I would take the comma out after think.
He wanted to kiss her until the noise of a rifle shot echoed in the canyon.
I am not sure what this last sentence means. Maybe it would sound better as:
He wanted to kiss her without interruption, but the noise of a rifle shot echoed in the canyon.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2024
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Thanks so much Crystie. I appreciate all your help and the golden cross!
Comment from Sally Law
Luke is between a rock and a hard place. However, things never go well when the heart is denied. Just saying from experience. I feel for Ruth and Anna Beth but marriage to her will be a mistake. I'm thinking he will help them though. A Plan B of sorts? Staying tuned.
Sending along my very best.
Sal :))
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2024
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Luke is between a rock and a hard place. However, things never go well when the heart is denied. Just saying from experience. I feel for Ruth and Anna Beth but marriage to her will be a mistake. I'm thinking he will help them though. A Plan B of sorts? Staying tuned.
Sending along my very best.
Sal :))
Comment Written 16-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2024
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Thanks!
Comment from royowen
What a good story this is. It looks like the wolves have got the scent of a mail order bride that might be hunted by a bounty hunter, fortunately Ayanna May have thrown him off the trail a little, but people like bounty hunters don't discourage that easy, beautifully written Stan, blessings Roy
Typo : the dog bar(r)ing his teeth.
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2024
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What a good story this is. It looks like the wolves have got the scent of a mail order bride that might be hunted by a bounty hunter, fortunately Ayanna May have thrown him off the trail a little, but people like bounty hunters don't discourage that easy, beautifully written Stan, blessings Roy
Typo : the dog bar(r)ing his teeth.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2024
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Thanks!
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Well done
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for coming back and posting this addition. I really liked this addition and the hook you left at the end. I can't wait to see what that rifle sound was. Please don't wait so long to post again.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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Thank you for coming back and posting this addition. I really liked this addition and the hook you left at the end. I can't wait to see what that rifle sound was. Please don't wait so long to post again.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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Thanks Barbara. You keep me motivated. The next one will be no later than the weekend.
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GREAT!!!!
Comment from lyenochka
Oh no! Was the rifle shot a warning that the bounty hunter found Ruth and her daughter? Or maybe he was hunting deer? It's great that Ayanna knew to play the part well to throw off the hunter's scent.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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Oh no! Was the rifle shot a warning that the bounty hunter found Ruth and her daughter? Or maybe he was hunting deer? It's great that Ayanna knew to play the part well to throw off the hunter's scent.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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Thanks! I appreciate what you said here.
Comment from Julie Helms
I am jumping into the middle of your story here, but it was enough to grip me. A very interesting premise, with clearly several different areas of conflict present.
I have a few suggestions, if you're interested:
her Azure eyes
(azure)
It appeared; he too saw the smoke rising from the cabin.
(It appeared he, too, saw...)
Whole place is a buzz over a mail order bride
(abuzz)
You definitely ended this chapter in a way where I want to know what happens! Very well written. Thanks for sharing.
Julie
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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I am jumping into the middle of your story here, but it was enough to grip me. A very interesting premise, with clearly several different areas of conflict present.
I have a few suggestions, if you're interested:
her Azure eyes
(azure)
It appeared; he too saw the smoke rising from the cabin.
(It appeared he, too, saw...)
Whole place is a buzz over a mail order bride
(abuzz)
You definitely ended this chapter in a way where I want to know what happens! Very well written. Thanks for sharing.
Julie
Comment Written 14-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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Appreciate editing help. Constructive criticism is important in growth.
Trying to get back to my early writing days where I threw hook endings down and would up the conflict.
Comment from DonandVicki
A gripping chapter, I need to go back and get caught up on the rest of the story. A good line: "Luke's jaw went slack. His heart hammered inside. He wanted to kiss her until the noise of a rifle shot echoed in the canyon." A good way to end the chapter keeping the reader wanting more.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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A gripping chapter, I need to go back and get caught up on the rest of the story. A good line: "Luke's jaw went slack. His heart hammered inside. He wanted to kiss her until the noise of a rifle shot echoed in the canyon." A good way to end the chapter keeping the reader wanting more.
Comment Written 14-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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Thanks! Appreciate your analysis, and showing what resonated with you.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
This really captured my attention! I love how you brought the setting to life with such strong descriptions. I could feel the tension in Luke's every move. Luke's internal struggle adds a lot to the story. Especially when he's grappling with his faith. The suspense was great too! Just when things seem to settle - Mackey cranks up the tension again! haha You kept me hooked, and the ending left me eager to see what happens next. Awesome work!
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2024
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This really captured my attention! I love how you brought the setting to life with such strong descriptions. I could feel the tension in Luke's every move. Luke's internal struggle adds a lot to the story. Especially when he's grappling with his faith. The suspense was great too! Just when things seem to settle - Mackey cranks up the tension again! haha You kept me hooked, and the ending left me eager to see what happens next. Awesome work!
Comment Written 14-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2024
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Thanks Michael! Your words stir me to get after the next installment. Appreciate hearing from someone I haven't met.