Comment from Yardier

Excellent

I very much liked your randomized meter and word smithing. There are a couple of things I noticed.

First line is somewhat confusing; is it 'a' door or the 'A' door?

Third line: (Kick scooter scooted aside) ? What scooted aside, person or scooter?

Eleventh line: (White stick pulled, poison contained, light with flame) I have no idea what is illustrated here.

While I like the randomized meter and word smithing, I have a difficult time 'seeing' the overall word picture you have painted.

Thank you for your effort and sharing.

All the best, Yard.

 Comment Written 13-Oct-2024

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reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024

Thanks for the feedback, I meant to write (a) not (A)

The kick scooter was scooted aka moved aside by the man with the bags, I don't know how to make this more clear in the poem?

11th line means cigarette, I think this line is pretty clear, do you think I need to be more descriptive? In this line.

My poems are ment to take two readings Afton.

Comment from F. William Lester

Excellent

An interesting poem. I'm not sure of your style. If this freestyle speculative poetry, then in my understanding anything goes. I see it as someone carrying bags on a train, possibly a subway/tube car. Some imagery lost me (scooter scooted aside). There are some misspelled words (sudan = sudden; wafs = wafts), but overall, I found the style a nice change and if the errors I mentioned are intentional, kudos to you. Thanks for sharing it and good luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 13-Oct-2024

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reply by the author on 13-Oct-2024

Thanks for the review, scooter means kick scooter and that what I saw as this scene on folded on the subway train in Atlanta, that's what the guy that I was observing did.

But since you brought it up I will add kick in font on scooter.

Did you get that this line was talking about a cigarette ( White stick pulled, poison contained, light with flame)



Do you have a favorite line of the poem?

reply by F. William Lester on 13-Oct-2024

Forgive me, but the imagery about the cigarette was too subtle for me to catch. No, I didn't see a line that caught my eye. Don't take it personal, I am not very comfortable with freestyle poetry. It doesn't mean it isn't good; we have different tastes. However, that being said, I found your poetry interesting. I read it three times. Again, thanks for sharing it. Have a great week.