If
'If' is a big word.8 total reviews
Comment from Patrick Bernardy
Hello Shirley!
I have finally gotten to you on my reviewing list! I have been looking forward to reviewing this sonnet since I saw it in the "Love Bites" contest. Congratulations, by the way, on that win. It was very well deserved!
Here are some random thoughts:
---This is beautiful sonnet. As I am sure you know, two things are imperative when we write a sonnet. We have to have the abab cdcd efef gg rhyme scheme, and it has to be written in iambic pentameter. Your rhyme scheme is wonderful, and I am most impressed by your use of the iambic rhythm with so much skill. Mastering iambic rhythm is a major threshold for a form poet (much like showing over telling is for a fiction writer). Once a poet emerges from the other side with this skill, they are on their way. You are certainly very skilled in iambic rhythm, no doubt about it!
---"I'd weep a salty river, deep and wide." --This is a wonderful use of hyperbole as a poetry convention. Good poets just know how to do this. The exaggeration reveals how desperate the narrator is to assuage heartache.
---"sultry depths" --I really like the use of the word "sultry," here. The word itself has two main connotations: one is heat or humidity but it is often used to describe passion, desire, or lovemaking as well. Excellent choice to give this quality to this river of tears.
---The idea that the single "grain" at the bottom of the river could be a "panacea" to the narrator creates a glimmer of hope that happiness can yet emerge.
---"summer-scented bliss" --Oh, the lovely sibilance of this phrase!
---"not shadows lying in the dusty past," --Memories in wistful poems like this are usually given pride of place. They are typically all that is left of a precious time, and this makes them sacred. You turn this on its head, however, by having the narrator wish that the memories were "real" NOW and "could play" and not really be memories at all anymore. It's not the memories of these events that are cherished, but the desire to relive them: experiences that are new again rather than nostalgic. This is an excellent choice and the kind of thing that quality poets do to make an expression original.
---Each of the first three stanzas begins with the word "If." This is the central kernel of the poem, the narrator making these proposals of what would be if this were so. When we get to the last two lines, reality comes crashing back, and those three wishes are shattered.
---"Yet tears fall dry upon a barren bed" --This is such a beautiful use of echoing contrast with the first two lines, where the narrator would cry a river of tears if it would do any good. The second-to-last line, though, displays that crying, alas, does no good to solve loneliness, nor does it soften the regret of "chances, never taken."
---You choice of image for this poem is stunning as well!
Wow, okay. This is a brilliant lamenter's poem of lost love but also lost opportunity. I believe this is the first of your pieces that I have reviewed. I am very happy to begin my journey into your portfolio where I can get to know you and your talent better.
6-star. No-brainer.
Patrick
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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Hello Shirley!
I have finally gotten to you on my reviewing list! I have been looking forward to reviewing this sonnet since I saw it in the "Love Bites" contest. Congratulations, by the way, on that win. It was very well deserved!
Here are some random thoughts:
---This is beautiful sonnet. As I am sure you know, two things are imperative when we write a sonnet. We have to have the abab cdcd efef gg rhyme scheme, and it has to be written in iambic pentameter. Your rhyme scheme is wonderful, and I am most impressed by your use of the iambic rhythm with so much skill. Mastering iambic rhythm is a major threshold for a form poet (much like showing over telling is for a fiction writer). Once a poet emerges from the other side with this skill, they are on their way. You are certainly very skilled in iambic rhythm, no doubt about it!
---"I'd weep a salty river, deep and wide." --This is a wonderful use of hyperbole as a poetry convention. Good poets just know how to do this. The exaggeration reveals how desperate the narrator is to assuage heartache.
---"sultry depths" --I really like the use of the word "sultry," here. The word itself has two main connotations: one is heat or humidity but it is often used to describe passion, desire, or lovemaking as well. Excellent choice to give this quality to this river of tears.
---The idea that the single "grain" at the bottom of the river could be a "panacea" to the narrator creates a glimmer of hope that happiness can yet emerge.
---"summer-scented bliss" --Oh, the lovely sibilance of this phrase!
---"not shadows lying in the dusty past," --Memories in wistful poems like this are usually given pride of place. They are typically all that is left of a precious time, and this makes them sacred. You turn this on its head, however, by having the narrator wish that the memories were "real" NOW and "could play" and not really be memories at all anymore. It's not the memories of these events that are cherished, but the desire to relive them: experiences that are new again rather than nostalgic. This is an excellent choice and the kind of thing that quality poets do to make an expression original.
---Each of the first three stanzas begins with the word "If." This is the central kernel of the poem, the narrator making these proposals of what would be if this were so. When we get to the last two lines, reality comes crashing back, and those three wishes are shattered.
---"Yet tears fall dry upon a barren bed" --This is such a beautiful use of echoing contrast with the first two lines, where the narrator would cry a river of tears if it would do any good. The second-to-last line, though, displays that crying, alas, does no good to solve loneliness, nor does it soften the regret of "chances, never taken."
---You choice of image for this poem is stunning as well!
Wow, okay. This is a brilliant lamenter's poem of lost love but also lost opportunity. I believe this is the first of your pieces that I have reviewed. I am very happy to begin my journey into your portfolio where I can get to know you and your talent better.
6-star. No-brainer.
Patrick
Comment Written 15-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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Phew! Patrick. No wonder you have a methodical list from which you work. I don't think I've ever had such a detailed and considered review before for any of my work. I do truly appreciate your time and effort.
Thank you so much.
Shirley
Comment from ESOSTINE
I find this poem very interesting to read. It is very rich in imagery and flowed well with calmness, expressing disappointment for love not reciprocated. Well done, dear Shirley. That's a master piece. Remain blessed.
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2024
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I find this poem very interesting to read. It is very rich in imagery and flowed well with calmness, expressing disappointment for love not reciprocated. Well done, dear Shirley. That's a master piece. Remain blessed.
Comment Written 11-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2024
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Thank you so much for your very kind words and generous rating. I sincerely appreciate it x
Comment from Todd Bourgeois
What a beautiful and sorrowful sonnet. You mastered the form, for sure. Your meter is tight and your rhymes are on point. All without losing the point of the piece. Your turn stanza is excellent and flows nicely into the final couplet. I'm weeping for the pain of chances not taken and over such a beautiful and technical piece of art. Your imagery is amazing and your word choices pound with such emotion. Very well done!
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2024
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What a beautiful and sorrowful sonnet. You mastered the form, for sure. Your meter is tight and your rhymes are on point. All without losing the point of the piece. Your turn stanza is excellent and flows nicely into the final couplet. I'm weeping for the pain of chances not taken and over such a beautiful and technical piece of art. Your imagery is amazing and your word choices pound with such emotion. Very well done!
Comment Written 11-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2024
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Thank you so much, Todd. I feel very honoured at your words and sincerely grateful.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
What a beautifully crafted verse which fits the brief perfectly with its theme of raw regret and lost love. Reminders of course of Kipling but nothing wrong with that. It's a strong title and a word that resonates so deeply with all of us when we look back on the past. Thank you for sharing your sonnet which is a joy to read. Good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2024
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What a beautifully crafted verse which fits the brief perfectly with its theme of raw regret and lost love. Reminders of course of Kipling but nothing wrong with that. It's a strong title and a word that resonates so deeply with all of us when we look back on the past. Thank you for sharing your sonnet which is a joy to read. Good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 10-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2024
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Hi Debbie. Thank you so much. You're so well-read. Are (or were) you a teacher? I so value your knowledge and tips x
Comment from Cindy Decker 3
Author,
I have felt unrequited love especially in my 20's. I guess I would call it bittersweet.
Your lovely poem captures that monster called unrequited love.
Great photo and words.
Good luck!
Cindy
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2024
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Author,
I have felt unrequited love especially in my 20's. I guess I would call it bittersweet.
Your lovely poem captures that monster called unrequited love.
Great photo and words.
Good luck!
Cindy
Comment Written 10-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2024
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Thank you, Cindy.
Comment from zanya
Wow - these stanzas evoke a sense of loss and mourning for a love that is no more , remembering happier times when love was blossoming - regret is entwined in the final couplet - wish I had 6 remaining.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2024
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Wow - these stanzas evoke a sense of loss and mourning for a love that is no more , remembering happier times when love was blossoming - regret is entwined in the final couplet - wish I had 6 remaining.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2024
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Thank you, Zanya.
Comment from RodG
I really found this sonnet poignant as we listen to the Speaker tell us about a long time ago love affair he wishes he could renew. I especially like how he describes his wishes in stanzas 2 and 3. That closing couplet is so sad. I commend your flawless meter and well-chosen rhymes. Rod
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2024
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I really found this sonnet poignant as we listen to the Speaker tell us about a long time ago love affair he wishes he could renew. I especially like how he describes his wishes in stanzas 2 and 3. That closing couplet is so sad. I commend your flawless meter and well-chosen rhymes. Rod
Comment Written 09-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2024
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Thank you, Rod, for your generous words and rating.
Comment from Nicki Nance
This is beautifully written in such compelling words. You really captured the internal experience of unfinished business. Your graphic was the perfect fit. Thanks for a great read.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2024
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This is beautifully written in such compelling words. You really captured the internal experience of unfinished business. Your graphic was the perfect fit. Thanks for a great read.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2024
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Thank you, Nicki.